The title for today's blog is 'tightly coiled spring'. No it's not a blog about a contraceptive method, or indeed about my bed. It basically describes how i feel at the moment.
I don't mean to go blathering on about stuff, after all i am a grown man. Death is as much part of life as anything else. However the way i feel at the moment is part to do with my Nan's death. ( empty and gnawing sense of loss that is constantly with you) but also the whole family trauma over past couple of weeks.
OK Dr Evans here being brutally honest. Headline symptoms;
Hero worship father. Father buggers off. Hero worship older brother. Older brother buggers off. Feelings of not being good enough or matching these two fixed in mind from early age and constantly stay with me deep down from childhood. Attempt to drink this away, succeed in turning into fat, drunk, paranoid, obnoxious sod. Stop drinking, learn about alcoholism, learn about alcoholism in family. Work a 12 step programme, work on self esteem, succeed to large degree, feelings of low self esteem and not being good enough remain deep down. Place faith in elder brother, elder brother not well. Elder brother constantly says hurtful things. Always go back for more. Reach end of line at 33 and say 'no more'. Content myself with getting into amazing shape and nailing as many women as possible to make myself feel better. Works...for around 6 months. Still left with my head though.
Do good things, start comedy club, run marathons, raise money for charity, be good family member. Some things work, some things don't. Still can't shake this sodding esteem.
Nan gets ill, start building bridges again. Turn up, show up, be loving son, grandson, brother. let down at end. Hurtful things said again. This time around my Nan's death. And this time they really grate deep down and stick with me.
I can't seem to shake those words off. I feel like a little boy at the moment. Looking for love, in fact crying out for a big old hug but too proud and scared to ask for one. Embarrassing. Confused.
The flip side of feeling like that? Well of course the anger, the intensity, the frustration builds inside. Constant caffeine, diet coke, smoking, gum and tension builds. I'm like a tightly coiled spring. Ready to snap at any given opportunity.
I want to chain smoke, to swear almost all the time. I better watch out in the Eulogy. Not sure Dafen Church or God ready for an industrial peppered Eulogy.
So that's where I'm at really. Not terrible, not great. Queues seem to be longer, red lights take ages to change, conversations not as quick as i want them. Pedestrians walk too fucking slow. Shares at meetings go on and on, people talk shit. Tolerance is at a low and work? Well that just doesn't seem to be on the agenda.
Humour? Lightness? Not much of a sprinkling of that on me at the moment.
If i want to sum up how I'm feeling. Basically I'm England at Euro 2012. Solid, functioning, no flair, panache or creativity. I get the job done but it's not pretty. over inflamed sense of ego sometimes, but ultimately inferiority complex. But then again at least i can pronounce my 'R's' and i don't have shit hair like Rooney, or is it really hair? maybe Coleen has just shaved her minge and glued it on his head?
Oh, and i think too much. But then again those of you reading my blog will not exactly be shocked about that statement. I've always done it. Makes life too painful sometimes, it must be painful to watch, see or hear.
Time for a meeting Nicholas. Who knows i may even lighten the fuck up tomorrow. Here's hoping
Grrrr
x
No comments:
Post a Comment