A brooding start to the day/week. The sun had made a guest appearance for one of the few times this Summer (is it really summer?) However it failed to lift my rather sullen mood. I still feel that I'm kind of trapped behind a dark cloak. Life goes on around me but I'm not fully engaged. I'm sure it will improve when i get stuck into to the stationary later.
It's going to be a big week. Lots to do, if I'm honest I'd rather be in Wales, at Brymoor Road, just observing the South Wales mourning. My Nan will be brought back to her home of 73 years today. Placed in the front room (Parlour) until the funeral on Friday.
It will almost be rather like lying in state for assorted family, neighbours and local people to come to the house and pay their respects and say goodbye. It's pretty normal custom in Llanelli and the family, my Grandfather spent several days in the same position and it fits with my Nan's desire to 'come home'. To many it may sound macabre but it's normal service in Llanelli. As I've said this is where the parlour comes into it;s own. Almost as if Welsh houses were built with the front room specifically for this purpose. Icy cold, immaculate and almost stately. The perfect place for The Matriarch.
She is in her favourite lilac dress and heels. People always remarked she looked wonderful in that colour. The cross from Vicar David when she was blessed has been put with her, along with a beautiful picture of her and Mum. She is ready.
I have 3 days work to do before heading down on Thursday. I have the eulogy to write, and whilst i haven't thought about it much yet, I'm sure the words will come. I want it to be a belter, though Welsh funerals are very sombre traditional affairs so i may have to keep the HIV/HGV joke up my sleeve. Though I'm pretty keen on the 'Nanversation' theme. I'll think on.
I really want to be there, but needs must, i have already taken time off and if i take anymore, I'll have to clear up a stationary shit storm. I mean, Jesus it could be carnage. What the fuck will people put with their letters? No compliment slips could potentially bankrupt the company. Fuck the financial crisis, that's what brought down Lehman Brothers back in 2008. Not toxic debt, irrational spending and terrible greed. They ran out of comp slips and business cards. Fucked the whole outfit.
After a morning that was slower than Elvis' colon, i got round to ticking things off the list i wrote this morning. Apparently lists are where it's at. I'm going to give it a go every day. 75% was completed. 9 out of 12 things. Result. Though that mathematical percentage is rather dubious.
I did my work, went to the Gym briefly, felt grim, then immediately went to a meeting in rooting Tooting. I wanted to hate it. I was tired, hungry and i sat there like a seething teenager. Moody, mean and angry. However it thawed me out and by the end i felt a little lighter (again). Another plus for AA me thinks.
I've found last few days a real struggle to write. Without humour or interest in life it's really hard to write about the day, Also I'm mindful of people reading this thinking, 'come on get on with it'. I can't keep harping on about the same thing. When someone is in self pity and low mood, it's tough to be around them, talk to them, let alone read it too.
So tomorrow i am going to attempt to change my attitude. It's OK to be sad of course, as I've stated. But i feel guilty to laugh or engage in life. Like i should be sullen. Almost as if I'm willing myself. So I'm going to try and lighten up a bit, get some of the matriarch's spirit and crack on. And if that doesn't work, all i need to do is watch England's penalty shoot out. As no matter how bad it gets, at least I'm not Ashley Cole
xx
No comments:
Post a Comment