Without her knowing it she's been the governor. Not by ego, or strictness or wisdom. She has never put herself forward. She;s never been opinionated. She's just been Nan. Mrs P. Mrs Probert of Brymoor Road. She has lived such a long time and her lightness and spirit has meant you think she will go on forever.
She commands such huge respect in Llanelli, in the community because everyone loves her. She has been kind, loving, friendly and lively throughout her life. The community and family want to pay their respects. She deserves it. She is remarkable.
Throughout this illness which has now rendered her unable to eat for 6 days, she is literally wasting away. It is cruel. She sleeps alot now in the Hospice. She rarely gets out of bed and doesn't speak much. She is exhausted. I haven't been down to Wales for 2 weeks, but my Mum and Brother said she is so weak, small and thin now. It is literally breaking her down. Her spirit is still there, but gradually day by day she is receding until we think the end, which will be merciful, is close. You can see the spirit of Nan alive, but the illness and age is breaking down. When she goes it will be a relief for her. I think she has had enough,
It is awful seeing someone you love so much slowly die. Not as bad for me of course because i am marooned in London looking after fucking business cards and letterheads (Had 3 phone calls today about them)
But more for my Mother who is there every day and has been through the whole process with Nan. She will never forget how much she has done, she is cut from the same cloth. She has been remarkable and will require alot of love and support after.
When my Grandfather died i was 17, and i remember his funeral and crying lots. If I'm honest more for me than anyone else. I didn't for one minute think that my Nan had lost her husband of 40 years or my mother had lost her father. The tears were for me. Selfish.
Now i am older and more aware of my selfishness and my role here. To be caring and supportive of my family. To show love. To be love. To be the man i should be and think of others. To think of my Nan. To appreciate her life and her impact she had on so many. To be a son and grandson. Simple.
To experience an elderly relative, especially one you love so much and have so many fantastic memories of, is difficult of course. Most of us would have experienced that. I lost my Father 3 years ago (extensively written about on Good Friday, if you haven't read go back and read then you will understand alcoholism) but i hadn't seen him for 20 years, so i felt a little disconnected.
A grandparent i think is different, especially as maternal, safe and loving as my Nan. You remember times when you were a kid, holidays in Llanelli, Victoria sponge cake, her taking me to the park, buying sweets and comics in Woolworths, always wearing a house coat, Force feeding you Blue Ribbands or breakaways, humming in scale up the stairs, baking rock cakes, always having a hanky and boiled sweet, putting on Nivea at night, looking scary when her false teeth came out, putting her teeth in an old Stork SB margarine pot overnight, always doing hand washing, getting her hair fixed on a Thursday, having a little Nan shopping trolley and always telling me to eat well and put my clothes out for a good airing after washing them (if only she knew how rarely i wash them - dry cleaners anyone #lazysod)
I think because going to my Nan's was always the same, so old school Llanelli and South Wales, going to her was always nostalgic and loving. So special now looking back, and something in my twenty's i took for granted. Every time i went it felt like a spiritual home, especially when i was brought up in the South East, essentially a characterless place without much in the way of heart and soul.
And now, we reach this point. God bless her she is so ill. She is tiny and she is fading fast. I don't quite know what to say. I want to be profound, to be touching, to be loving, to be sensitive. My blog has exposed too much and too little this year. I've written on subjects that have been angry, touching, funny, real. I have been pretty true to myself and others in being authentic. It's always been from the heart, never something i am not. So today i write this on the brink of going down to Wales to see her, maybe for the last time, maybe not. It's difficult to say.
But the best thing i can really say is that she is the governor. The Matriarch. The Queen Bee. Mrs P of Brymoor Road. 97. 73 years in the house. Head of the family. Sweet, lovely and totally adorable. She has always been to me simply 'Nan'. Indestructible, consistent, positive, never moaning, full of Welsh nonversation and totally lovely. I stand by the fact I've never heard anybody say 'watercall' then as a stop gap in the middle of a sentence when she couldn't remember the word, or walk in a room look at you and just say 'therewarthen' and move out.
I've never seen anyone so pleased when you were literally straining at the gut after a huge feed and I've never seen anyone in the world never sit on their own sofa for around 35 years. She was simply on her feet the whole time, doing stuff, fixing others, being on the move. She was, and despite her illness, is, Nan. The Matriarch. And all of us in the family and indeed the world salute her.
xx
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