I'm not going to lie, I'm dull. I'm boring. I know i don't look dull. But really deep down under the mask of bleached poncy hair, ultra tight jeans and boots lays a deeply boring individual.
Why am i putting myself down i hear you ask? Well, because it's Saturday night at 8.14pm and I'm putting a dark wash in the washing machine. I did the whites earlier and in the name of political correctness i don't want to be racist So I've gone with the darks too. I'm thrilling.
Should i not be out an about at an all night drum and bass club instead of doing a washing load on Saturday night?
I'm not feeling amazing today, you know when you wake up and feel a little dissatisfied? Like you're missing something? Well that's the feeling i had today. Obviously i haven't told anyone and if I'm honest today i would have been perfectly content not speaking, seeing or communicating with anyone, just sitting in my own misery all day. i think that's technically called isolating. Feeding the misery.
This is not a new feeling to me. It's nearly always there. Of course when I'm busy, with people or got things going on i don't have it. But when i don't and nothing is lined up those dodgy thoughts come knocking. "sad, lonely, twat." I find my brain so helpful on occasions. The trick is what you do with it and i am pretty experienced now to put some action in to combat and think the opposite. Go to a meeting, call someone, pray, write it down, exercise, arrange to meet a friend. Anything just get active and shift it.
So what did i do? Nothing. Yes i met up with people, talked, chatted and put on a superb act so no-one would know what is going on in the cracker factory. I've become superb at this over the years.
Most people who meet for first time think I'm pretty confident, self assured, even cocky and full of myself. So not the case. I'm pretty stand offish sometimes, even aloof. Not out of rating myself so highly but more out of fear and low self esteem. I don't say this of course but allot of my life is lived in a tremendous amount of fear. What will they think of me? What will become? Will i have this? Will this go wrong? Will i get what i want? What do i want? Am i good enough, i'm not as good as them. Such a bore my head is sometimes.
But this goes on undetected and sometimes it just gets the better of me and i just retreat and isolate. Not healthy. Not good for the head and certainly not good for the sense of humour. As I've said before when that goes then you know you're in trouble and taking yourself too seriously is seriously bad, I think today i am doing that. Walking around in skin tight jeans and bleached barnet taking yourself seriously is not a good space. Trust me.
That word i used earlier is very very dangerous. SHOULD. What a wanker of a word. I should be out. I should be this. I should be that. Well why? I am and I'm at exactly where i choose to be. Self imposed misery. I've had the SHOULDs and COULDS since i was a kid. They are dangerous words and can keep you 'down there' in everlasting misery. They are words where SHOULD meaning you're not where you want to be and COULD meaning you could be if you tried. They are effectively a waste of time. Like the words, I'll have a shandy please. They should not be used.
You make and create you're own position and today i have created it myself. I didn't do a meeting or call anyone or do anything thing to shift this mental haze, resulting i feel shitty. It's really not rocket science.
It won't last forever and it will pass when i put action in tomorrow. In the past a Friday or Saturday night without action would have resulted in an enormous desire for a drink or a call girl. So i guess I'm making progress, though drinkers of a certain age reading this will think i have regressed!
At least i get to write it down, i was talking today to someone about how you let out stress, worry and frustration. it made me realise how lucky i am that i have AA to go to in order to change my mindset and feel 'normal' again. A sort of mental gym. A long time without AA and i don't doubt i would turn back to alcohol. I spoke to this friend and they battle hard to change their thinking and actions. They have an inner built sense to try and change and i am permanently respectful and in awe of those kind of people.
I've been in love with women who did that in the past, I've seen it in members of my family. I've known friends do it. I have to go to meetings, pray, write, read, share, phone, just to give me the thought and knowledge to change, these people do it within themselves. Now to me that is inspirational. Big up you people.
Sorry about the blog today people. Not very funny is it? When i feel like this i silently yearn for a woman to come and look after me and shower me with love and Wispas. But that's just being that little weak needy little boy self pity thing, so instead I'll get that 3rd load on before getting on the Internet to release another load. That's just crass an if my mother is reading it (which i know she will) she'll just be disappointed in my crassness. And no doubt send me another cut out article in the post of famous girls i have snogged or articles on how dangerous gum, diet coke and being crass is. Keep em coming Ma.
No today's blog is turgid but it can't all be shits and giggles can it and besides I've made my bed, now i'm getting myself to lay in it (with clean sheets after the washing).
It's not all negative though. On the plus side i've now got clean pants.
Actually doing washing has made me feel pretty good. I've been in this gaff for over a month living on my own and i've eyed the washing machine with a sort of nervous fear usually found in teenagers at the end of the school disco eyeing up the school hottie to ask her to dance but you're too scared. Well today i asked her to dance, in spunky socks & smelly sheets and boy she fuking loved it. My Names Nick and I'm a single man and i do washing. There i said it. I'm human. I've admitted the truth. I'm OK now. Next thing i'll be cooking, though one step at a time. Who the fuck knows maybe i'll be ironing and everything next. Steady.
Christ girls. A man who irons, cooks, cleans. washes, looks like Gordon Ramsay/Beckham and f*** like a demon. What a catch. Shame i'm a self obsessed. alcoholic, addictive personality, commitment phobe isnt it. Nuts
xx
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