Day 203 - Monday 23rd July - Olympic toilets and heckling at Comedy Gigs

Monday means Blog suggestion day. I forgot last week, but today i've had fuck loads of suggestions. This was the line up;

1- The Dark Knight Rises - Presumably in reference to the mass killer in USA who gunned down 12 people during a particularly mundane part of the new Dark Knight movie. At 161 minutes he had plenty of opportunities

2 - Men as Players - A request from a girl who had recently been played by one - Tricky subject for me seeing as i'm a self confessed sex addicted, love seeking, lunatic alcoholic commitment phobe who's been accussed of being a player many times. I think you'll know which way that blog would go. Not pretty for the female readers. If you want brutal honesty message me. If you want brutal S&M message me.

3 - My experience of Brits abroad. Same is this country really. Most are wankers with a few good uns

4 - Daily struggle Not to eat Chocolate Cake - I like this one, seeing as after 40GG.com, Chocolate cake is one of my favourite things. The daily struggle not to eat it is akin to G4S trying to run a credible company. #fuckingtough. A subject i will revisit

5 - Should a tie be windsor. Half or skinny? Again a subject i like. Easy. Go with windsor. A big fucking knot signifies power, greed, ego and stupidity, all the great male traights. Men started to become wimps when the skinny tie came into fashion. A skinny tie is too X factor. Can you imagine Clint Eastwood wearing one? nuff said

6 - Are there enough toilets in the Olympic Games? - This is a lead out topic from a friend of mine and is a headline for the strangest heckle at a Bill Bailey gig. If i write this i am not creating a blog, merely passing on a story. But a fucking good one at that. It's really about heckling

7- Breastfeeding - A subject i don't quite feel qualified to talk about. Apart form the fact that when i was 7 i walked into my living room to see my Mum's friend Laura Thomas breastfeeding. I noticed these enormous breasts out. In scale seeing as i was small and 7, they looked about the size of a hot air ballon. These massive jugs were on display and so started my lifelong obsession with big tits. Easily influenced at that age


It's a tough choice. They all have their own merits, I love writing about new topics and suggestions, having said that creating a new topic takes time, crafting, planning, thought and effort. Fuck that I'm going with the Olympic Khazi story. #lazysod

Friends of mine, bought other friends of mine a 40th birthday treat. Dinner at Ivy and then front row tickets for Bill Bailey at Leicester Square Theatre. An awesome 4sum. My pal, his wife, other pal and his wife. 40th birthday boy's wife is a kiwi GP and doesnt give a fuck about social etiqutte. She just spills out whatever is in her head no matter what. She is random. What can genuinely be called a 'character'. Christ knows what she dishes out to her patients. I should imagine laughter.

So they had a few drinks, got to the gig 10 mins late, disrupted the show in taking their seats (not a good start) and then settled down to enjoy the rather good Mr Bailey's routine.

That is of course up to the 10 minutes mark when up went Kiwi Gp's hand, like she was at school. Bill noticed this rather peculiar act and pointed out it wasn't school and what she wanted. This is the point where she asked the weird question;

"do you think there will be enough toilets in the Olympics this year". Cue laughter from the audience.

His routine hadn't mentioned the topic of Olympics or toilets and was totally out of the blue. He dealt with this in a resepctful yet puzzled way. A random heckle that was a genuine question.

He moved on with his routine. However she wouldn't let this one go and kept interupting. Eventually people were tapping her on the shoulder saying 'shut up'. The laughter had turned to hate. All 3 of her mates were trying to gag her, by now the crowd were imploring her mates to drag her out. She had in small matter of 10 minutes turned 2000 people against her. Impressive

Even the barman at the interval suggested she left. She was public enemy number 1. Thankfully she kept it shut in the 2nd half and a chastened GP consoled herself with Pinot Grigo. They hung around after and got a message to the dressing room to invite Bill Bailey into the bar for a drink after the show. Of course the request was politely turned down, Bill would rather have had a drink with the Batman killer i think.

So, the weirdest heckle backfired. Mostly all heckles backfire. 2000 people pay to see the artist not the  pissed up audience member. It would be like going into the heckler's workplace and annoying the fuck out of them. But in comedy it's fair game and part of the Gladiator style atmosphere.

My favourite heckle? well it's not so much a word, more an action. A friend of mine comes from a big family. They are all over 6ft 3 , even the girls, The guys in the family are up to 6ft 9. Anyway thay have a 'tall people' support group. Where they meet once a week and discuss being tall for support. I love this so very much. It's like Hagrid Anonymous

They went on their xmas party, a night out in Watford and met for drinks and then went to Jongleurs. There were 11 of them, all over 6ft 5 with some 7ft.

They got a bit pissed and went into Jongleurs, having a table at side of the stage, One of the members of the group was pissed and mouthy, He heckled the fuck out of the poor MC all night. Finally the MC could take no more and effectively offered him outside for a fight and mentioned something along the lines of 'and you can bring your pissed knobhead mates too'.

At this point it was cue for the entire table of 11 giants to stand to their feet as one. The MC's face dropped, the audience howled. The MC was completely destroyed never to recover. Poor bastard but an image i loved. He picked on the wrong table.

Heckling is a tricky subject. Usually the ones who do it most is the person you want to hear the least. Of course alcohol must be added to create said heckler, as alcohol makes people think they are at least 300% funnier than they think they are, and more attractive.

Usually the heckler thinks they have come out with a witty line, but in reality they have just said something equivalent to 'i'm a twat. I know i'm a twat but i've had so much Stella i'm actually bulletproof and have zero shame or self consciousness, i'm actually deeply unhappy with my life and have never bothered to get off my fat lazy arse to actually do someting creative so what i tend to do is sit on the sidelines, get pissed on high strength lager and criticise people and comedians who have spent hours, days, years writing this material to try and perform on stage and make people laugh"

Of course if you have 10 of these people on a table who are all 7ft tall. They can say whatever the fuck they like. As an MC my job is simple. Run like fuck

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