Today was a once in a lifetime opportunity. The Olympic torch passed by where i live. Richmond. It went All along Kew Road, past the Private Shop, making a really tricky exit with thousands of people spying the dark carrier bag crammed full of nipple clamps, DVD box set of '300 AD CD ACDC' and Poppers.
It really would have been highly embarrassing had i actually been there and not on the North fucking circular going to work. Missed it.
I missed the once in a lifetime opportunity of mass ranks of people cheering Billy Mitchell from Eastenders in a white shell suit holding a gold plated torch that looks like it's been bought from one of those bling shops in Tooting Broadway. I was gutted.
Billy f****g Mitchell? What on earth has that talentless c**t got to do with Richmond or indeed the Olympic games. Have they picked the most obscure C list celebs and put them up on the oche? Had Andy Peters called in sick or something? What is Olympic about Billy Mitchell? His services to banal and mundane acting? Not only did he appear they also screend it live on Eastenders. Is this the best Britain can do? My god is that really the legacy of inspiration. If he would have set fire to Dot Cotton with it, it may have been mildly interesting
Why not go the whole hog and hand the blingy thing over to Kerry Katonia and then 'Mr Baxter' from Grange Hill. FFS. Tour it around Primark and H&M. Stop off at Greggs for a pasty and then JD Wetherspoons for a quick pint of 99p bitter.
Having said all that, the number of people and specifically kids who have come out to witness the shell suit parade is inspiring. I have spoken to a number of people who went along with their children and they all said it was a buzz and they enjoyed it, and at least it got the little sods off the PS2 for an hour.
It is also very Britain 2012 that several little youths tried to steal the torch at various towns around the UK. The pace the torch is carried is at no more than a small jog, yet there they were, the little out of shape youths running up alongside it, panting and puffing to keep up, as it's the first time they have moved their lazy arse for years, trousers flapping around their arse, thick laced trainers making it impossible to run - trying to reach out and grab the torch from the carrier.
It was amazing they actually had the strength to reach out such is the nutrient free diet of Pizza and Facebook. Of course we all thought they did it because it represented a lost generation of respect and interest in anything historical, mythical or meaningful, that they are vacuous disaffected and disinterested morons who are the future generation of call centre operatives. But no, this wasn't the reason they tried to steal the Olympic torch, they were just after a light for their Lambert & Butler 100's. Simple.
The Olympics is nearly upon us. 3 days and counting. I am determined not to be negative about it, but when i was faced with 2 lanes to drive in today, one an Olympic lane and one a Bus lane it's hard not to think this whole charade is fucking stupid. Couldn't they have staged it in Llanelli? It would have made the whole thing much more entertaining.
Mobility scooter road race, the 1500 metre dash to the dole office, quickest pasty eating, word tea making record and of course the classic blue ribband event which is literally eating blue ribbands.
No, i am actually looking forward to the Olympics, though unless you are an IOC dignitary, official sponsor or an official hanger on you have about as much respect and standing as G4S at a government briefing.
It's all about the legacy. Well so far all i can see in SW London of the legacy is a nomad actor in a shell suit holding a big lighter, trundling along to hundred of plebby kids waving cheap plastic flags made in China boosting their economy wondering what the fuck are all the road markings and how the heel you get about your city for the next month.
See Seb, I'm right behind London 2012. Bring it on.
xx
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