I've been attending AA for 13 years now. It has included thousands of meetings, hundreds of prayers, reading the steps and the book numerous times and hearing 'the message of recovery' over and over again.
So why is it that I totally forget I'm an alcoholic and act in my self will so much of the time?
They do say that alcoholism is the only disease that tells you, you haven't got it. It also highlights why regular meetings help, otherwise we forget and naturally slip into old habits. I know I do.
So despite the hundreds of hours of recovery I went to a step 7 meeting tonight and thought to myself, "oh yeah, step 7. I forgot about that".
Quick synopsis for those of you who are not addicts/alcoholics or well versed in the old 12 step recovery thing and what step 7 is.
Behind the substance lays the disease that makes up the addict/alcoholic. The disease centres in the mind and helps to make the addict think/feel in a certain way so that using a substance is the only thing they can think/want to deal with that way of thinking. Make sense? it's almost as if the disease drives you into being that way. You have little or no choice when you're in it.
Take the alcohol out of a fruit cake and you're still left with a fruitcake. Same with an alcoholic. Take away the substance and you're left with the personality, defects and mental twists that force you to drink/use substances. Without a deep psychic change then very little or any long lasting sobriety can be usually be found.
We are governed by 100 forms of fear, worry, self loathing, self hatred, jealousy, envy, grandiosity and ego mania - without a programme of living or some treatment on a psychological scale we are doomed to using.
This is the spiritual side of the disease. The physical is in putting down the substance. The mental is in examining the reasons behind it and the spiritual is the trying to move away from the natural instincts of the alcoholic that puts you closer to that substance. Are you with me?
They are all deeply human emotions, no different from what we all experience but they tend to run riot in the addict, max out and nearly always end in some kind of self sabotaging blast. Trouble is the addict has zero control or off button and the phenomenon of craving is established and they will not stop until they pass out, black or are punched out.
I experience it with many things. Adrenaline. Sex. Love. Food. Excitement. Not so with drugs or alcohol anymore but in many other areas where you get a sense of adventure and excitement and it kicks off that 'thing' in you that you want more and more and more and more.
Ultimately addiction is a greedy sod that will stop at nothing. There are no amount of muffins in this world that will satisfy it when I start that sugar craving. No amount of sex or relationships that can slate that thirst once the beast is unleashed.
That's not to say it is out of control all the time. Take today for example. I woke up, I prayed, I meditated for 5 mins, I did some work. I felt a vague whiff of fear and 'less thanism'. Not sure why or how or what against, just a free floating anxiety.
I went to a business meeting, got a large does of less than from the person I met who had bought a property for £600k and sold it for £750k and on my merry way I went.
I got back home, did some work and my mind drifted to more unspiritual matters as it does when I am disturbed.
I went to the meeting. It was step 7. 'Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings', listened to the reading, criticised what people shared in my head, came in with a slightly egoic final share and buggered off home.
Now nothing bad happened today, nothing dramatic but I realised in my head, through listening to the reading that I have been mostly operating in my own will/head and defects for a few weeks now. No hint of spiritual connection to a higher power. No perspective. No spiritual axis.
Instead it's been constant thought of job, work, new App, girlfriend, acting out, unspiritual obsessions, me, what i'm going to get, what i'm not going to get, what other people are going to do against me. Me. Me. Me. Self will run riot. Self centred fear Maybe not to a large debilitating level but a low level hint throughout. Enough to make me want to act out in certain ways to take my mind off it. Are you still with me?
Jesus, I didn't realise until I heard the reading that alcoholism is self will run riot (though they usually don't think so) and that it's ego mania and self centred fear. Exactly the things that drive me without me knowing it.
Step 7 is a rallying call to seek a connection with a higher power and ask for help to move away from the chronic self will addicts and alcoholics seem to bathe in. I know I do. It's just I rarely see it in myself until I hear it in another or hear it read out in a book. I see myself through the reflection of others.
I was so stirred by the meeting, by the reading and step 7 I sped home to immediately write a blog about me. Yes, you've guessed it I am self centred to the extreme and I simply had to write about it.
Placing anything above spiritual connection is always a bad idea but oh so appealing. God or a higher power is always last on the list of things to make me feel better. Usually the list is along the lines of;
1 -Sex
2 - Sex
3 - woman
4 - money
5 - True Detective - DVD Box sets
6 - Liverpool FC
7 - Ice cream
8 - unspiritual videos
9 - gym
10 - Cricket
11 - Aircrash Investigation
12 - Nazi Megastructures
13 - Books
14 - Writing
15 - Liver sausage
16 - Cowboy boots
17 - Job
18 - Sex
19 - Meetings
20 - God
That pretty much sums my head up. So when I hear Step 7 read out and that my problem centres in my mind and I suffer from self will and self centred fear I think, 'That's it'. That's the answer.
I feel so good. It makes sense. I feel an ease and comfort and vow to work on my spiritual connection more and connect with my higher power. I walk out with a spring in my step and feel like I have a design for living.
Well, that's until I get back in my car, switch on my phone, check What's App, look at Facebook, check my Twitter account and race back home to put on episode 5 of True Detectives. I'm not even going to go into to the other stuff. That's off limits. But man is it so easy to climb back into self will.
I suppose at least I had some kind of spiritual perception for an hour. Better than nothing right? That's some kind of progress. There are so many layers of self will it's fascinating. I'm now going to retreat back to layer 2. It's when you get to 9 you better start worrying. That usually happens after a week of no meetings. At least I have a few days to go yet then.
Did all you non recovery people follow that blog? Not sure I did either if I'm honest and I've been doing the sodding thing for 13 years.
Together We Are Stronger.
Nicholas E Evans
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