Resentment is the Number 1 offender. So says all AA literature.
So why is that, even though I have been going for 13 years, that I haven't taken a drink in all that time, that I've sat through 1000's of meetings, read the steps, the programme, pray, write endless gratitude lists and help an occasional newcomer, do I consistently return back to resentment?
I'm not even aware I'm doing it sometimes. It simply feels too natural. Perhaps I am addicted to resentment and anger. Of course justifiable anger is the best. Man that tastes good. You know the one, when someone really has done harm to you, no matter how small? Boy, do us alcoholics love to sharpen that one and cultivate a sense of wounded pride. That's fertile breeding ground for bile and hatred. tastes sweet for a bit and ultra painful in the long run.
The self pity, sense of injustice, wounded pride, jilted ego all collide to make a perfect storm of resentment and rage. Unchecked this can turn into a cluster fuck of hatred and bile. Like an angry drone strike. Peppering everyone and everything in your wake.
It can poison everything. Sure, when you've got a few years sobriety in the tank you can keep a lid on it and still perform and function reasonably normally. Turn up for work, speak to people on the phone, pretend nothing is wrong. But all the time it is ticking inside you like a slow bomb. Ready to be detonated at the right time.
Resentment and justifiable anger are truly dangerous beasts.
I simply can't let them go sometimes. It's like an addiction. Feeding off them. Feeling the energy and adrenaline that flows. Anger is an emotion and an addictive one at that. If you walk around this planet not only wanting to be right but for everyone to recognise it, it becomes a really difficult place to be.
I've been there for the past few days.
The main one was against the girl I've been seeing. Then not seeing. Then seeing. Then not seeing. Off and on more times than the covers at Wimbledon. Exhausting.
On this occasion though I was DEFINATELY right. Well within my rights to be fucked off and angry. Or so I thought. And so I sat in it for a number of days.
Then of course this anger and resentment starts to attract other minor ones. People at work, home life, living situation, the daily commute, habits, meetings, AA. Pretty much everything becomes slightly turd coloured and annoying. Before you know it you have turned into one miserable bastard who desperately searches for that magic phrase, "you're right Nick. We're so sorry."
Why the hell is that so important? Is the lack of self so vast the ego needs boosting to be seen as right. Ridiculous.
This situation tends to happen when one is low on meetings and full of self. This tends to cause problems. If your spiritual programme is out of the window, you are locked in ego and self. Lets face it when in that state pretty much everything is going to piss you off.
I create my own life. I choose it. I choose the people. And if I choose annoying ones it's obviously for a reason. There are clearly lessons to learn, but my natural state is to shout, scream, complain, holler, demand they change, demand they recognise and then get royally fucked off when they don't. Rather than learn. Genius!
Eventually what tends to happen after a few days, the red mist clears and I am left with a semblance of calm, Then pray like mad I haven't caused too much carnage in my wake, and try and get back to normal. Whatever that is.
That's not to say I'm to blame for everything. To think that is another form of egoic pride. The piece of shit at the centre of the universe syndrome is an unhealthy one. Not everything is my fault. Some people are flawed. Some are downright difficult bastards.
We can't get it right all the time can we? As AA teaches us (which by the way I forget everyday) There is a bit of good in the worst of us and a bit of bad in the best of us. Easy to say, I wonder how much good is in the double murder dude in Hong Kong. No doubt he was off his tits on some kind of chemicals doing that grisly deed.
Anyway I digress. The point I'm coming to is that tonight I am no longer in anger or resentment. It has passed thank God and the world is a level playing field once again. That's not to say it hasn't got it's problems. Life tends to provide those on a rather frustratingly regular basis.
But just for today I am a lucky boy. I am warm, I have a roof over my head. I haven't got 6 kids to stress about, I have a decent job, the steroid injections in my back appear to have worked and I'm pain free for the first time in 18 months. Result. I even did the late night Gym session and got to look at myself in the mirror for longer than is healthy. #Selfobsession.
I'm back on track. I even got those immortal words tonight, 'I'm sorry Nick'. Remarkable. And you know what is remarkable? I said 'I'm sorry' too, and actually meant it with heart. The trick, wise men, as I so often write, is to learn and eradicate said behaviours. That one I'm still learning.
In fact, if I was a betting man I'd lay a tenner on pretty short odds I'll be writing something similar in the not too distant future. I never said I was wise yet did I?
Keep on rocking in the not so free world readers. And make sure if you do get in to anger and resentment you don't pray or ask God to relieve it immediately. Stay in it for a good few days until you want to punch people on the train, quit your job, break up from your bird and move to Goa.
Yes, if you follow my way of living, you too can reach such spiritual heights at 13 years sober.
Love you all
Nicholas E Evans
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