Finally I've decided to write again. It's been a month. So much has happened and if I'm honest it's been hard to pick up the keyboard and begin writing again. Why is it so much easier to get out of a habit than it is to stay in one?
Still, I'm back. I'm writing and it's the return of The Inside Job. Have you missed me? I've certainly missed you. I've had very little outside affirmation to feed off. A disgrace for a chronic co-dependant.
I took a break because I went away to work at The Commonwealth Games. One of the stipulations of the contract was no social media. I didn't have the time anyway. Two weeks of 16-17 hour days would have made writing impossible. God I missed posting selfies on Facebook though and writing what I was up to. It felt like 1995 all over again. No updates, no Facebook. No social media. Weird. It meant I had to actually be present and live in the moment. Terrible for the modern generation of digital junkies.
The Games were an incredible experience. Racing around sports, hosting people, showing them inside the camp, interviewing England's finest athletes, networking (I hate that word), chatting up sponsors, companies and generally being Mr Chirpy. I would urge anyone to go and experience them next time.
Mind you, Two weeks of relentless enthusiasm, chatting and being around people takes it's toll. Especially for a raging alcoholic. You have to separate out your alcoholic mind from reality and get on with things. There is no room or time for self reflection or naval gazing. You have to be constantly up, host large groups and play your role in a team. Exhausting being 'on' all the time.
It is my first time in a major sporting event and it was like a bubble. The outside world didn't exist. You have no concept of what day it is or life outside the bubble. The routine is check into hotel, don team kit (chinos or tracksuit) and you instantly become one of the team. Then it is up early, host groups to several sports, tour of the village, tour of the performance centres, more sports, then to a late night hang out to interview athletes to a rowdy group of 100 people, then back to the hotel room at 2am ready to go again at 8 the next morning.
I got by on a mixture of adrenaline, enthusiasm, caffeine, nicotine, excitement and beige chinos. I loved it (apart form the chinos). My perfect job. Who could complain about watching loads of heroic sports people and talking about it all day? Just like the Olympics it was devoid of cynicism and negativity. It made for a refreshing change.
My highlight was interviewing the Brownlee Brothers and getting their respect for being a double Ironman. One thing I had over them. Though as I pointed out, if they chose to do it they would probably do it in half the time on less cigarettes. I also walked past Prince Edward and said 'hey buddy' without realising it was him until I was told afterwards. Nothing like a bit of informality to royalty. Knob (me not him, he's actually charming. Sorry)
I also interviewed cyclists, weight-lifters, judo, wrestlers, table tennis players, runners and triathletes. All gold medal winners. I felt at home with them, as I shared my Maidenhead Under 13's Player of the Year tankard tales with these multiple Olympic and Commonwealth Games heroes.
I did it all without feeling less than or inferior. I did it with a smile and had fun, all at the end of a 16 hour day. Not bad for this little lunatic.
I decided to go in with a great attitude. My ego was twitching at me throughout though. Not being the main guvonor and organiser was always recipe for the ego to nag away. I was a worker amongst workers but it's hard to keep the raging ego under control sometimes. Especially when you think you can do better.
I had to watch the chatter in my head and two rock solid Glasgow meetings helped. It was an extraordinarily welcoming and friendly environment. I walked into a run down Community centre in the middle of Govan, a rough part of Glasgow in full England team-wear, the taxi driver even asked, 'are you sure you want to be dropped off here?' But I got an amazing welcome. Lots of handshakes and it made me think about London and my behaviour in meetings and generally. How friendly am I? How much do I reach out for others? Glasgow was so friendly it made me think how miserable and cold London is. It's like we all get into our own little 'fuck you' bubble when we hit the capital. Glasgow was the opposite.
After 2 weeks though, I was ready to come home. Very little sleep and keeping my mouth shut at resentments and things that had built up were exhausting. I managed to retain my poise and not fall out, say the truth, lose my temper or run people down (too much) but I needed to escape and iron out my alcoholic head at home.
I got back to London just under 2 weeks ago. I needed to rest, and it took my 3 days, lots of meetings, talking to my sober warriors and a couple of step 10's before the chatter in my head quietened down. The resentments eased, I saw my ego playing out and got it to manageable levels. Took a while though. I was like a shirt that had been crumpled in the corner and it took a few goes to iron it out smoothly. That's how I felt coming home.
That is the case for the alcoholic mind, when not treated it just accumulates and gets noisier, louder and more resentful until you're in right old state. At that point acting out, getting angry or drinking are good alternatives. Such is the nature of alcoholism. It needed to be treated. That's why I need, want and am a fan of 'the programme'. In truth i'd be stuffed without it.
I got sick after a few days. A nasty urinary infection. Luckily not from doing inappropriate things this time. (I must be changing I guess) but it wiped me out for a few days. Illness and being a man is a lethal combination.
I also passed 13 years sober, which was pretty remarkable. I never go overboard about these things as I put my sobriety down to a higher power not me. I hated AA so much at the start, if it was left to me in my first few years i'd never have gone to AA. Therefore my sobriety is down to something higher, not me. It is the one thing i'm not egotistical about.
It's still a good effort though and i'm pretty pleased to be in the sober gang, (seep previous paragraph as to why) - Long may it continue.
Then Robin Williams tragically killed himself. Cue big dramatic world reaction on news and social media. Enough has been written and said about it. I cant really add too much more. I don't know the full facts to make a reasonable comment. Was it bi-polar? Was it untreated alcoholism? Was it Parkinsons? Was it severe depression? Who knows - in fact why do we need to know a reason or answer? Is it to complete the story? It's like we need to blame or justify everything. There must be answer. Why. We need to know why?!! Why do we need to know why? What if there isn't an answer?
Truth is we will never know. Not even the ones closest to him will know. Here was an incredibly talented, funny, warm and generous individual who made the world laugh and brought joy to millions of people. Yet he couldn't tap into this and must have visited the darkest place. Some say he was a coward for killing himself. My experience of listening to many people who have tried, all of them said "I was too much of a coward to actually go through with it." Just goes to show how little people who make judgments know. He most definitely wasn't a coward. That much s true. Rest easy Robin. We love you down here.
There is too much ignorance, misinformation and judgment around. We live in a world obsessed by it and it is fed everyday by us even when we don't know we're doing it. Social media, comment, sharing, writing all adds to it and we are all part of the great big carousel. Me included.
Then my girlfriend went into hospital to have a tumor removed, so I've been on Dr Kildare duty the past few days. Keeping relentlessly cheerful and upbeat as the poor girl went through the whole terror, fear, worry, emotion, upset and then finally a sense of peace and calm before the operation.
It is incredible to see someone when they are at peace with themselves and the world. Only people close to death and have made friends with it tend to have that sense of calm. It is so powerful.
Anyway, she had the operation, 5 hours to remove it and I went to see her in intensive care after which shocked me. I knew she would be OK but when you see someone you love with a tube in their mouth surrounded by machines, looking so powerless and vulnerable it's deeply upsetting. You think 'what if she doesn't make it?' - that's when it hits you.
She was awake but out of it and I composed myself and started cracking jokes. I could see her trying to smile and laugh even with the tube in her mouth. I offered to replace it with something else but i'm not sure she was in the mood/fit state. But it makes my heart bleed when I see people so helpless. It made me cry.
I'm happy to report she has made a remarkably quick recovery and is in a normal ward. Free from caffata, morphine ( I did want to take the self administered drip home with me) and is up and about. People who have had major invasive surgery seem to have a different attitude when they come out. Like all the little things don't matter anymore. Intensive care really puts things into perspective.
I am a total rock at times like these and i'm generally excellent at caring for people. I know how I would want to be treated and giving people dignity and respect along with treating them normally is so important. At least that's what I do anyway. She is remarkable and it is incredible to see someone display a great attitude that aids the healing process. I must remember to apply that to my life. She has taught me a great deal.
Finally, I was offered a full time job after doing well over the last 6 months. I went in and gave it everything I had. I know it was a recovery job and i'm convinced it's been given to my by a higher power and the more I put into my recovery and more action I take, the more I am given jobs like this. I'm pretty happy, though it's around £500,000 a year too little but such is life.
If I could find a job that helps people and pays half a mill, i'd be delighted. That way I can feed my conscience and ego at the same time. Let me know if you hear of anything readers.
I have learnt so much about myself, my head, my ego, my alcoholism and people in the past few weeks.
I have learnt to back yourself. I have learnt I am rather good at what I do. I have learnt I can be derailed by negative alcoholic egoic thoughts that make my life and other's difficult and I have learnt to do recovery and not to be embarrassed or rebellious around it. I have learnt that if i'm me then everything is OK. I have learnt we are mortal and life is precious and I have learnt that I am more loved than I think.
I have also learnt I am next of kin to 2 ex-girlfriends, a current girlfriend and mother. Surely that's some kind of record. I just hope they don't all pop off at the same time.
It's good to be back
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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