I've been lying low this week. Since my birthday I've been struck by a rather large dose of low self esteem and self hatred. It's boring and dull. The desire to write about it has be absent.
The words, "Here we go again" have been floating around my head. Not wanting to reveal too much publicly. Plus of course thinking reading it people would just get frustrated and think, "whining sod why doesn't he just pull himself together."
Self hatred, self pity and low self esteem are really ugly traits. They are ugly to hear in others and ugly to feel in oneself. They are self indulgent and most of society hasn't got the patience, tolerance or indeed stomach to hear too much of it. Rightly so I hasten to add.
When I hear people 'right in it', it is painful. My Nan used to say, 'nobody likes a moaner' - which made me think. "Christ Nan, I wish I had more of your DNA".
It saps your energy and you want to help but there is very little you can do. People with experience of depression will know. The mind is such a powerful tool that when negative forces take hold it is very difficult to reverse or nip in the bud.
Part of alcoholism is low self esteem. It just is. That nagging feeling of not being good enough is never far away. It has got better over the years, but since turning 42 it has come back strongly.
Why? I suppose many reasons. One of which is what it means to be a man. 42 without a mortgage, home, family, kids - hasn't been an issue to me in the past. Yes it's nagged me deep down, but this week it's really done a number on me. It's made me question my whole being.
Have I been avoiding things? Is it deep rooted fear? Am I great at covering it all up? Am I delaying the inevitable? Isn't it my job to build, procreate and provide? How much of a man am I really? How much of my sobriety have I dedicated to covering all this shit up with looks, massive quiff, sculpted abs, chiselled biceps, Ironman triathlons and promiscuity? As long as I look good right? Who really wants to address that deep rooted painful ugly stuff? Am I too needy? Am I co-dependant? The list goes on and on.
When in that messy bog of self pity my head has taken me to dark, negative places. And of course it doesn't have an off button. It just goes deeper and deeper. I have punished myself for putting more store in the outside and severely neglecting the inside.
Being hard on oneself is also another classic alcoholic egoic thing. It's like pride in reverse. Beating oneself up, punishing yourself for what you haven't done, concentrating on the negative over the good stuff is a sign you are bang in your disease. That's where I've been this week.
Is it that Deep down I have such little self regard that I kill myself with cigarettes, diet coke, little sleep, poor diet, sugar binges, obsessions, kinks and capers. I continue to use many things to avoid feeling my feelings. Am I running away? Delaying that inevitable judgment day when you have to face up to the truth, walk through the fear and face the pain?
Oh no am I going to turn into one of those wankers who blames the trauma of their childhood?!! Pass me the sick bucket now!! See I have to make a joke of it. Plus I have to make myself hide the vulnerability by slating people who face up to childhood trauma. Nothing wrong with that.
In fact it is braver to deal with that and face up to deep rooted fears than it is to delay them and act in disease. It's easier to cover up with the armour of arrogance or not give a shit than it is to really go into the nitty gritty (not in a self obsessed way I add, but in a courageous healthy way to free yourself to live life) - I suspect that's a harsh bout of truth I've just told myself there.
Maybe I place myself in positions to feel shit about myself because deep down that's what I think I deserve. It's like I'm drawn to it in many ways. Ever been in a relationship longer than you should because you feel it's what you deserve? Ever not asked for enough money in your job because of the fear of being sacked? Ever not done something you love because of fear of failure. It all comes from the same place. Low self esteem and self hatred. Addicts are riddled with it deep down.
All people have it. We are not superior in that regard. But normal people shrug it off and get on with it. I tend to wallow in it. An awful trait I have but I have it.
It is a continual self sabotage of the highest order. Stop killing yourself with drink and drugs but find a host of other more subtle ways to do the job.
It's been pretty bad 'under the bonnet' this week. Of course I've put my whistle on, quiffed my hair, turned up for work and put on the armour. Everybody I meet says, 'you look great'. And I do. I really do. I know I'm a decent looking chap and I look better than I ever have in my life. But Nobody would know the cracker factory below. Nobody would ever guess of the insecurity, low self esteem lurking within. I cover it well. When I'm busy I forget this head and these feelings but when I return back to my head - man they are strong. Hide it with the quiff Nick. It's all in the quiff.
I feel a fraud for writing this. The inside Job was to see if I could arrest these bad habits and things I pursue to get 'under the bonnet' of the disease. To change. But, if I'm honest I feel I am just pushing paper around, skirting around the sides and deep 'in it', which on a bad day means this blog is effectively redundant. Who wants to hear about someone talking about wanting to change but not doing it?
Frustrating no doubt for people who know me, love me, read this and pretty dull for those who don't.
It just makes me think I have barely scratched the surface of the disease. I am thinking the Inside Job is a lifetime work. I am not cured. I am merely beginning to see the scale of it and begin to gain some kind of self awareness.
That's great but the ultimate one is positive action.
I felt a little odd today. Woke up slightly needy and in fear. I have my reasons why.
I went to a meeting and heard some good stuff. One lady was talking about mindfulness and taking time to appreciate her life even the mundane stuff. I thought to myself, 'I like that concept I will try that today"
Then as soon as I left the meeting, I completely forgot about that and got straight back on the text. What the fuck is wrong with me! Addicted to the sodding I-Phone. At least alcohol or crack is hard-core. IPhone addiction is so modern and lame. It's embarrassing.
I went home and reluctantly did some chores. Swearing all the way that poor me had to do these things on my day off. Mindful gratitude was not on my list of emotions I was experiencing.
I thought of my Dad. When I was young he was always swearing at having to do dull shit around the house and made everyone know he hated it and couldn't be arsed. He was a raging alcoholic and a terminal self seeker.
Here I was at 42, 13 years sober doing exactly the same. Like father like son. One alcoholic to another. Difference is I can recognise that kind of behaviour. 13 years gives you that at least.
Then I went for a run and I bumped into a friend who is a mindfulness meditation teacher. I had a few lessons with her back in January and started to do it every day. I have to admit it did help and I felt some kind of connection with a higher force.
I packed it in when I got a full time job. Is it a coincidence I bumped into her?
Since working full time I have slipped right back into me. Self seeking, busy, caning the DC and fags. Chasing things. Being in self will. It helps of course if you solely concentrate on your work and you become focused on that. Brings some kind of success but at what cost?
I've also found myself slipping into other obsessions which have driven me and been at the forefront of my mind. Trouble is I'd rather do that than meditate.
But by bumping into her, having a chat, I went home and did 10 minutes. OK my mind was wandering more than a spider with 18 legs. But I did have moments of peace. It is clearly something to try.
I now feel differently. Less needy, less in fear, less shit.
I'm not fixed or healed. I've still gunned a can of DC whilst writing this and I'm itching for a cig. But I'm going to commit to meditation every day. I'm really not that busy that I cant do it - who knows it maybe good for me. What have I got to lose?
20 minutes less in Radio Nick FM, listening to his favourite show 'self will run riot' can only be a good thing.
I'll be back on form soon readers and you won't have to put up with this whiny drivel for much longer. Still this is brutally honest and It will get better. I truly believe I will succeed. I will change. And I will do it by laying open all this dark horrible shit and we will do it together. Its just I'm going to write a book about it and you'll have to spend £18.99 getting the answer of how.
That's a long term goal/vision by the way. We've got to have dreams right?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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