Saturday morning. The end of a hectic week and start of a well needed weekend break. But what if you're head doesn't switch off? Is that 'a relaxing break'? Sometimes a break from the head is better than a break from work.
I'm not writing the blog as much at the moment. Why? Well if I'm honest I've had/got some life things going on that I'd love to write about but it's simply not appropriate at this stage.
Many issues and themes are swirling around. Relationships, personal conduct, thought processes, self sabotage, actions, co-dependency, addiction, obsession, neediness, low self esteem, dishonesty, character defects, work, future, life, sex, childhood issues, people pleasing, alcoholism. Christ the list is endless.
Don't think I'm being a self obsessed drama queen here. I'm not. But recent events have brought up so much and made me reflect on where I've been and where I'm at. It's just not appropriate to write publicly about them. Sometimes you face some stark truths about yourself and it is a little overwhelming/scary. Usually they are brought up around romance or finance.
I am beginning to realise that I have been acting in character defects for rather a long time. When you hit 13 years sober. People tend to think because you don't drink and attend a recovery programme that everything is sorted. Oh no! It's only just warming up! You have to get into long term sobriety to really start to understand some deep issues that drive you. That's the stage I'm hitting now. I'm getting to the good stuff!
When you really look under the bonnet you begin to see the subtle character traits and behavioural patterns that have existed since childhood. If you add addiction/alcoholism into the mix it's a powerful set of behavioural patterns that usually don't reveal themselves because they are buried so deep. It takes time to see them and usually you have to be brought to your knees in order to want to do something about it.
I'm not quite on my knees but recent events have made me see a lot about myself and my make up and it's been an eye opener to say the least.
That is not to say that one must fall into naval gazing self serving. That doesn't work either. But when you begin to realise that much of your behaviour has been based upon self centred fear and deep defective characteristics without you even knowing (or maybe you do you just don't want to face them) You are left with a decision. A)Are you ready to do something about them? or B)Suffer the consequences of staying in them?
Change for some, (me included) is something that happens centimetre by agonisingly centimetre. Its a slow process, but that's OK. Change is a journey. It's all really a process. The trouble is the casualties along the way.
The thing about addiction or alcoholism is that the addict is essentially driven by a selfish need. Either for approval, love or affirmation in order to make up for the complete and utter lack of self love and self esteem. Lives are ruined by this in many forms. I don't need to go through the list, but why is it that our divorce rate is so high? Why do we use more anti-depressants than any other country? Why is our drinking rate higher? Or maybe people just go through life unhappy, in a series of failed relationships or dysfunction. Most are not even aware.
There is a dysfunction that goes way beyond the drinking or drug taking. So many subtle forms. Individual, family, structural, society.
This is not self pity or 'poor me', it's fact. I have never felt good enough. My insides have rarely matched my out. For me my life has been one long journey of searching for external things to make me feel better about myself and fill up that yearning 'hole' inside. It's a cliché but true. Whether it comes from childhood, family orientation, addiction or learned behaviour is irrelevant right now.
The need for outside happiness is ultimately a futile existence. Nothing can ever fill it up. No human force or 'thing'. In AA they say that a higher power will. In truth I have fought against that for 13 years. Yes I've done the meetings, prayed to whatever God there is and done what's said on the tin. The result? 13 years of continuous sobriety.
But inside I have rebelled and fought against it. No-one would ever see of course on the surface. But I have fought against this higher power. I'd rather find it in a woman, relationship, food, sex, shopping, money, power, affirmation, popularity - whatever. I've tried them all (other than money and power because I've been a chronic under-earner and waster which is another thing driven from character defects like fear, low self-esteem and sloth)
So where am I going with all this? Well it's the inside job isn't it? That's the reason I wrote this blog. The pain of getting there. I'd love to be graphic and expose the real truth but I have a life to lead, a job to do and people in my life to consider.
That's why therapy, or meetings or counselling are private and anonymous so you can explore these things privately. One doesn't need to put things out publicly. I know my family think I give too much away as it is. Which is a fair shout in some quarters, but I'm still very interested in this shared ideal. This shared recovery. This shared journey to the Inside Job.
I just think it's going to take a little longer than I imagined. How are you fixed for the next 40 years readers?!! Are you in it for the long haul?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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