"An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity." Sir Winston Churchill
Are you a glass half empty or half full kind of person? A pessimist or optimist?
Me, I'm a pessimist. Naturally wired to be negative. Either on myself or others. It generally doesn't matter.
Don't worry, this isn't going to be a negative 'wo with me piece', because today I'm going to give myself a break from being negative. I've decided, just for today, the glass is half full.
Seeing as my natural default setting to be pessimistic, I'm the sort of guy who if I won the lottery would say, 'but it wasn't the Euro though was it', it's not easy. That's not to say it's impossible. If you don't try you don't get.
A guy from AA (whom I resented by the way, naturally) used to go on about negative people always using the four C's. "They condemn, contrast, criticise and condone." Personally I always thought he missed a C when talking about himself, but that's just my resentful head.
I get his point though. When you are wired to be judgmental, critical and negative. It takes a lot to let light in. Making up your mind about people and situations based upon your negativity is close minded. If it's as naturally to you as blinking or breathing, it takes a massive effort to change the way you are. I'm sure most people will identify how hard it is to do what isn't natural for you.
Negativity is a safety valve. If something goes wrong you can absolve any responsibility by saying, 'I told you so'. Same with self hatred, if you are constantly down on yourself it can perpetuate those comfortable feelings of less than and separate you from the world.
Alcoholism/addiction is a disease of negativity. The feelings of self pity and low self esteem are never far away. When mixed with a constant negative inner commentary and an enormous ego then the gloves are off. Using (through substances or behaviour) just perpetuates that myth and feeling of 'done it again you idiot'. That's why it's such a lonely, secretive and annoying for others disease. People who don't have it just feel frustrated and annoyed with the addict as ultimately it's really selfish, self absorbed and negative.
It's as much egotistical to think you are a piece of shit as you are the dogs bollocks. Either way you are letting your ego run the show. I do it much of the time, usually without realising.
So, today. I was in a meeting, after meditating for 10 minutes this morning. I've had a busy week. A hard week. Work has been tough. I've felt overwhelmed, stressed and in some parts out of my depth. Then when my head gets like that all other areas of my life begin to feel shit stained. Problems are magnified and I turn it in on myself. This of course, leads to a change in behaviour. Snappy, intolerant, hurried. You lose the sight of life very quickly.
You get to the point, as I did last night, when you are trying to get to you 8pm meeting in Richmond where you have a commitment. Late from work, busy day, pissing rain, gloomy head, packed commute, running late.
Then at Clapham Junction the conductor announces over the tannoy:
"all trains to Richmond terminate here because of a fatality on the line at St Margarets."
"Fuckkkkkkk!!!!!" Selfish bastard!!!!
Cue massive sigh from the packed coach. Not in sympathy at the poor bastard that died but the inconvenience to their commute. Such is the life of a Londoner. You can truly consider yourself one when your reaction is one of pure anger than compassion.
My reaction was the same. I didn't think of the guy who died. Of his family. Of the value of human life. Of the futility of being busy and needing to get somewhere. I didn't stop to think of humanity, just my own massive importance. I'm not a fan of this way of being and i saw it this morning.
The reality is of course none of us are that significant. People die, we get sad and the world still turns. It's harsh but that's the way it is.
I spend so much time putting myself down in my head. This week without any order or details. I have thought I'm not good enough, I'm not a real man, I'm out of my depth, I'll never amount to much, I'll never be a success, I'm not as good as him or her and so it went on. The internal commentary of doom.
Then of course castigating myself for being judgmental or spikey. Left in my own head this shit is poison. The only answer is to get out of your head. This is where substances become so appealing.
If I focus on what I don't have or what's bad, it gets worse. You can see no joy. There is no gratitude. Life becomes grey and treacle.
So what was the answer?
Went to a couple of meetings, shared the poison in my head, meditated, listened to others and read. I came to the conclusion this morning that fuck it. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of being negative to me. What purpose does it serve?
The outcome of something will be exactly the same no matter if I project negative or positive. It will still happen. The world will still turn it's my attitude to it that makes it turn just that little bit brighter.
If I project negative externally and internally then bad things will happen. We make our own life depending on our attitude, so says the law of attraction. i used to think that was shit, that the cooler people were the negative ones, I'm starting to doubt that theory now. Perhaps I'm becoming more open minded in middle age.
So what if I'm odd, spikey, have a weird head. So what if I don't own my own house, have zillions in the bank and not pulling in 1.2million followers like Russell Brand (that's another trait of the negative, extreme jealousy, resentment but ultimate sloth to do something yourself just criticise others it's much easier)
I'm going to relax and do something I haven't for ages. Take a day off from my head and enjoy what happens no matter what. I'm going to have fun!
I'm off for a run now around Richmond park. The suns out, my back feels OK and life is sweet. Just for today.
Nicholas E Evans
xx
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