This blog is slipping, I simply haven't had the time to write and if I'm honest my life circumstances have changed somewhat so that I'm not feeling the urge to bare all in public so much.
This week has seen Scotland vote to keep part of the UK, more chaos and trauma in the middle East and I've become more peaceful. Strange feeling that.
I'm not a social commentator so I'll leave that to those who do it best. However what I am interested in is addiction, recovery, character defects and 'the head', so let me talk a little about that.
I have a housemate now. After living on my own for nearly 2 years I have a housemate. Not from choice I hasten to add, but my space is no longer my own and I'm gutted.
In AA I you hear that acceptance is the answer. When I am disturbed it is because something is not right in me, not the world. Well, when someone is eating monkey nuts really loudly when you're trying to work, the house is full of stuff, clutter gets everywhere and you simply feel invaded of personal space I find it hard to practice acceptance.
The thoughts of shouting, 'FOR FUCKS SAKE WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCK OFF AND STOP LEAVING CLUTTER EVERYWHERE & STOP EATING THOSE MONKEY FUCKING NUTS', were prevalent. I had to practice restraint of pen & tongue (and email, text, Whats App, Facebook, Twitter)
For this self centred self seeking ego maniac I like things my way. When that is compromised it takes me ages to accept. Still, that's rather a high class problem, though I have been looking at beheading in a different light this week. (Joke)
I have been intermittently meditating. I know I made a commitment last week to do it every day. That's why making pledges are dangerous. Most days I do 5-8 minutes, but on some of the mornings I stopped to answer a text or do something else. Not really the art of meditation that but it's all about practice right?
My subtle self sabotage is still alive and well. Staying up far too late, meaning I'm too tired in the morning to meditate properly and prepare myself for the day. The result I have been grumpy and quick to anger at work. Snappy and intolerant. Not a good look.
I chilled out towards the end of the week and find myself today in a peaceful place. Just for today I have no real worries. I have high class problems. For instance the District Line has engineering works and I need to use it to go to a corporate hospitality box at West Ham v Liverpool.
I've been invited by a client as a guest, with free food, drink and posh seats. How unfortunate that I've got to schlap all across London on a dodgy District Line to go to a match to the team I support. Poor me.
See, left unchecked that's how ungrateful I am. I really am. Focusing on the negative. Not seeing the bigger picture. Lack of perspective and gratitude is as much a part of my disease as low self esteem etc.
So this is to grass me up, show myself the reality and how lucky I am to be going, to be invited and to be able to watch my team play. I shall hold onto that gratitude when I'm sat for 2 hours on a bus replacement in the Isle of Dogs. The ultimate test of my flimsy form of Band Aid gratitude. A deeper sort awaits me in the future I hope.
It's not a very interesting blog today as I haven't got much to say. I feel calm. But I'm still aware I've been acting in self all week and still putting off the things I know I need to do in order to move towards a cleaner recovery.
Still, I'm clearly not ready so not point banging on about it. Best enjoy the day and do what you're apparently meant to do....have fun and enjoy life not endure it.
Have a good weekend readers and a little tip if you are meditating, try not to have a Whats App conversation in the middle of it. Doesn't work. I've done it twice this week. It screws up a good bout of sexting. (and meditation) - I've yet to find any spiritual teacher who has combined sexting with any form of meditative spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps that could be a winning new App? I'll get my thinking cap on...
It's a tough choice though. Playful fantasy, self fulfilling lusty fun or calm, peaceful meditation. I know what will make me feel better. I know what is more spiritually nourishing. I know what the right thing to do is.....but since when has knowledge and knowing what the right thing to do ever stopped me in acting out in self will. The call of the wild is sometimes so much stronger than the call of the mild. Many of you will know what I'm saying there.
Anyway, must go another incoming. This pesky Whats App, IPhone, social media, sexting addiction isn't going to feed itself now is it?
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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