Good stats huh?
You know the sad thing about the final stat is the amount of time i have spent of the 14,585 days on this planet in fear and negative inner dialogue.
Nobody can tell what goes on inside our heads, not even Darren Brown. Everyone has an inner voice. I don't know what other people's inner voices tell them, But sometimes mine is so loud i am convinced other people can hear it.
Most of the time my inner voice is of the negative, low self esteem critical nature. It seems the voice latched onto to feelings of worthlessness and not good enough when i was young and have remained the loudest since then. It almost feels natural for it to be self critical.
As i have said before it's like having Alan Hansen inside my head.
Now today's blog is not going to be a moan or a 'poor me' rant. My god there are more important and worse things going on with people and the world than inner voices and low self esteem. But i am interested in how this dominates me and my life and how Action needs to be put in to conquer it.
I am pretty sick of living my life in fear. If I'm honest it has dominated everything. It is at the heart of every decision and pretty much fucks everything up. It;s not blind crippling fear. It's not like a fear of heights or spiders or wide open spaces. It;s not a phobia or a medical condition.
No it's a deep routed fear that lies deep down, undetected by most people but that pangs me every time i act on it.
It helps to know what fear is first.
a. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the
presence or imminence of danger.
b. A state or condition marked by this feeling: living in fear.
2. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension: a fear of looking foolish.
3. Extreme reverence or awe, as toward a supreme
power.
4. A reason for dread or apprehension: Being alone is my greatest fear.
So if i have have dread, apprehension, agitation, anxiety. What am i actually frightened of?
Looking foolish. If not getting what i want. Of not being good enough. Of settling down. Of not fulfilling my potential.
There are so many fears. The biggest is not being cool. Of not being authentic. I know it's ludicrous, but i never wanted to be the kind of person that people walk across the street to avoid. The embarrassing person who is not 'cool'.
What is that? Why did i latch onto that at an early age? And what actually is cool? Surely you can aim higher than that as a human?
I became the person who stood by the side of the dance floor and took the piss out of the ones dancing, Happier to feel superior and critical on the outside laughing at the ones who were actually doing it.
I can carry this forward into my life as really i was jealous of the people dancing because they had no fear. I was too scared of dancing, of making myself look a tit, i was terrified so i would rather project an image and put on a mask to make myself look better, feel better and act superior, even though inside i knew the truth and felt inferior.
An ego maniac with an inferiority complex. Pretty much sums me up.
This pretty much carries onto to the rest of my life. Example on Thursday - Criticising Russel Brand for making his documentary about addiction. Thinking i was better than him from my sofa, whilst he does a documentary and sells out theatre tours doing his comedy and generally being an all round mega star. Hint of jealousy Nicholas? No wonder i degenerate my monthly comedy club in my head.
It is a mindset i really want to change in myself.
He has gone and done it whilst i have retained locked in head, too scared and lazy to try it. Could have, should have, would have. I could have been a contender Mamma!
And what exactly is there to be frightened about? What is actually the Worst that can happen? Why do i actually think deep down I'm not good enough? What actually IS good enough?
All of these messages deep down are ones that have been grooved over a long period of time. They aren't necessarily true. They are not necessarily real. So why listen to them. Why believe they are the TRUTH?
All my life i have lived in the shadow of the 2 main role models in my life. My father and my eldest brother. Both of which were heroes to me. Both of which i felt were superior intellectually, personality, funnier, more Welsh and generally my negative self image was of me as a mummies boy, the youngest of the 3 boys who wasn't quite up to their standard.
Both of them were maniac alcoholics. Both of which never showed love. Both of which buggered off at an early age. If I'm being honest this hurt me deeply, made me feel desperately sorry for myself and full of self pity which of course i buried and rarely show but always feel. It is like an Achilles heel.
And then starts the internal conflict - Pride in me says - "you are 40, don't be such a sniffling wimp to blame this on how you feel. Man up, grow a pair and get on with things". But on the other side, it is fact and if i accept that, recognise it, say OK, that is what i felt, how can you move on from that, then maybe it doesn't have to define me as a man now?
I have a difficult relationship with my eldest brother who bless him is not very well, and over the past few days has attempted to use my insecurities, my negative self image against me, and say hurtful things, trying to be superior and condescending and hurt me.
Now on a bad day, they really penetrates. They strike the Truth nerve.
You know that deep rooted inner feeling, where 99 people say that's really good, but one says that's shit - and you focus in on the one who says it's shit and believe them. What the fuck is that all about?
You know the one where you denigrate something that's good in your life? Where people say 'you are talented at x or y' but you are convinced they are only saying it to be nice to you.
Negative low self esteem. What a waste of time. What a disabler in life.
Now this can go on forever without anyone ever noticing. You can live an able life and everyone will be none the wiser. But you will. Deep down you will know the truth. I do.
How many relationships have i stayed in because I'm too scared to leave them? or because i don't think I'll get any better or because the thought of being on my own is too painful? Or even because i need that love, that need, that thought of being in the centre of someones mind?
And that's where unhealthy dependence upon other things to fill me up, make me feel better about myself comes in. That's where the line is crossed between normal every day life (which is hard for everyone lets be honest) and an addictive dependency personality comes in. Thats where the line is.
Now i have problems with being an enabler, people pleaser. I have been brought up by alcoholics and have spent my life trying to seek approval. It's a bit like trying to ask a politician to say the truth. I'm desperate for outside affirmation. If i don't feel good enough then please you tell me i'm good enough 50 times a day just so i feel normal.
I have been through all kind of 'issues', bulimia, using food, sex, women, love, relationships. companionship, exercise, alcohol, pornography, DVD box sets, Elvis, pretty much anything to run away from my feelings, from me, from the uncomfortable reality of my inner dialogue.
None of it works of course. Some of it has been fun, some of it painful. But mostly all of it temporary.
But I'm now getting to the point where i don't want to avoid life anymore. Where i want to embrace it, not keep the rumblings in my mind secret and live at 50% of what i can.
It is restrictive. It is dishonest. It is disabling.It is tiring.
The only way to change it is in Action. Now what is action? Well it;'s actually doing something not talking about it. Something i have been mystified by for so long. i never realised change can only happen through action.
If i i feel shit today, it's because i drink too much diet coke, binged like a wanker on ice cream and didn't live right. Action today will be not drinking diet coke and putting good things in my body. Simple huh? Well sometimes it;s like a fucking mystery to me. For a reasonably intelligent man i'm likea total div sometimes.
If you delve deeper It is like self abuse really isn't it? I mean if you don't like yourself too much you don't exactly treat yourself well do you?
I am pretty hard on myself, critical, i tell myself awful things about me. Then i abuse myself by smoking loads, drinking fuck loads of diet coke, binging on sugary foods, staying up so late and not sleeping. The list can go on. That's why i love endurance sports and Ironman so i can put my body through punishment.
It's not like this all the time. Just sometimes.
When you write about it when you're feeling a certain way it can be like a snapshot of time. But it doesn't define how you are all the time. By 5pm i can be fine. By Tuesday i would have forgotten all about it by Friday it maybe back again. Rollercoaster.
So today, action is a doing word and just for today no more diet coke, no more lazing around. No more putting off. Action is in doing, Doing makes you feel better. Feeling better makes me happy. Happy makes me smile. Smiling makes others smile too. World is better place.
Easy! The only problem now Nicholas i doing it.
xx
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