Relationship - The way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected
Relationships are hard. At least, I find them that way. Does anyone else? I'm pretty sure I'm not alone.
There are all kinds of relationships. Friends, colleagues, strangers, family members and of course romantic and sexual ones. In fact we have relationships with most people we come into contact with. As the Oxford English dictionary describes it. People we are connected with or a state of being connected.
I have a relationship with you. My readers. With Facebook, social media, cigarettes, alcohol, AA, weight, insecurity, my own self, work, money, prestige, social standing. In fact pretty much anything I am connected with I develop some kind of relationship with. Trouble is I'm a rip roaring addict, so I struggle to have balanced connectivity. That's where I find difficulty.
So what happens if you continually have the kind of relationships you don't want? What happens if your relationships are not satisfactory? If they don't work as well as you want them? Or if others seem to have better ones. Is it fate? Circumstance? Luck? Is it my fault or 'just the way it goes?
When one talks about relationships most of us think of romantic ones. They are the main headline news. But what of others?
Here all forms of dysfunction can play out. Spend too long on social media wondering what others are up to or making your own existence seem better? Maybe your relationship with social media is unhealthy? How's your relationship with food, fitness, health, money? Mine has been up and down for as long as I can remember. Why? As I said before I am a maladjusted human being. An addict/alcoholic.
How about in the work place? Do you hate your colleagues or boss? Stuck in a job you don't like? Is that your fault or just the way it goes?
How about your partner, if you have one. Happy with them? Harbouring deep resentments? Feel you've picked the wrong one? Looking for a way out? Maybe you've resigned yourself to being unhappy? Or do you love and cherish your partner and feel totally happy. I hope you do. I really do.
What about family? Do you love yours? is it open and honest and nurturing or full of dysfunction and madness. Do you feel you were born into the wrong one or is it full of Waltonesque moments. Is it loving? Are you happy?
Whatever you have, life is full of relationships. Both good and bad. It wouldn't be life without them. There are good times and bad. But what happens if you permanently make decisions that place your happiness and others in jeapordy. What happens If you keep having bad relationships. Why is that? Is nature, nurture or just bad luck?
First we have to find out what the common denominator in all of them are? Well it's me. Always me. I am the only one that has been in my life since birth. So if I'm having defective relationships with people or things it can only be down to me and my character. Of course the other has a part to play but ultimately I made the decision to enter into that relationship.
Now for me, I'm an alcoholic. This means I have an odd character. I'm driven by a hundred forms of self centred, self seeking fear, worry, insecurity and ego. That's not to say I'm a bad man or more fucked up than the next person. It's just what I am. Just like I have blue eyes. I was born this way. My job is to pick my way through, learn to accept what I am and find a way to move away from it or manage it so I can live a reasonably normal, happy and healthy life. It's to not indulge in the behaviours that harms others. Trouble is I am naturally drawn to them and have indulged some of them for so long they are perfectly normal to me. If not others.
The difficulty comes in the collateral damage from finding that path. Some people enter into your life at the right time. Others at the wrong time. If it's not your time that relationship can suffer. Some people are put in our path to help teach us and shape our journey. Others are hurt along the way. i have hurt and for that I am sorry. I really am.
I'm also born the way I am. A product of my childhood, upbringing and generation. So if I add all those things together along with alcoholism, I am left with me, Nicholas Edward Evans aged 41 and half. It's as much about ego if a snivel and hide the bad behaviour as it is to beat myself up too much for it and own other people's failings.
I've always had a problem with relationships.
I'll tell you what else I've always had a problem with which has affected my relationships.
I've always had a problem with authority. Not wanting to be told what to do or follow rules.
I've always had a problem with intimacy. Not so much in being open and honest but in truly letting someone else in to my inner thoughts and feelings.
I've always had a problem with commitment. Based out of fear and worry for the future.
I've always had a problem with vulnerability. Not wanting to show it for fear of exposing my deep held fearful truth of being weak and irrelevant.
I've always had a problem with sustainability. Either in friendships or romantic relationships. Based out of the effort and work it takes to compromise and work through difficult times.
I've always had a problem with responsibility. Which is why I shied away from marriage, kids and mortgages for so long.
I've always had a problem with myself. Either low self esteem, not feeling good enough or worrying I'll never match up to inner ideals.
I've always had a problem with my core self. Always feeling I had to have outside affirmations and attention to feel better inside.
Part of these problems are down to an alcoholic personality. Others down to childhood. Others just the way my character is. We are all magnificently fragile in some way or other.
But I tell you this and this is the money shot. The reason for today's blog. The one main relationship that needs to be 100%. The main relationship that needs to be good for your whole life is the relationship with yourself. If that's not right then all bets are off and every single relationship you have with another person or thing will be dysfunctional in some way or form.
How do I know that? Well I've lived through it for 41 years. Seen it in my own family. Heard 1000's of people share similar patterns. I know that's key.
If I have a relationship based on my own self to make up for own deficiencies it is bound to go wrong somewhere down the line.
People tear each other apart blaming each other for what isn't their fault. Some have deficiencies and they don't even know. I have blamed others for things they are simply not capable of giving and vice versa. My biggest crime then is not looking hard enough at my own side of the street and seeing how my make up has affected the relationship.
Ultimately I get what I get because I deserve it. No matter how painful. Now matter how many are hurt. No matter how things work out. If I am not OK with Nick, then nothing will work.
How do we know when we pick the right one? Does it just click? Are you aligned by soul? Laugh at the same things or just fit each other at the right time?
Many of my friends are married and have kids and have been through really hard times in their relationships. It's the ones who stick at it, work at it and crucially are open to making it work that last the course. They to me are the real heroes.
And for me? Is that me? Well it hasn't been so far. But I tell you what I know it may sound wank. I know it may sound schmaltzy. I know it may not be how I expected to be at 41, but I really am OK with me. I have my faults, my problems, my problems around honesty, alcoholism, commitment etc. But fundamentally I'm OK. But I have much work to do in being OK with me. With loving myself. I find that journey the hardest of all.
That's the journey to emotional sobriety. Physical sobriety is pretty fucking awesome but it's the deeper stuff that's the gold and the pain is the bumpy journey to get there. Still, at least I'm on it trouble is I'm not getting any younger to find it. But find it I will. I promise you of that.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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