It's been a whole 7 days since my last entry. One week. Reminds me of one of my favourite AA phrases, '7 days without a meeting makes one weak'.
Without regular nourishment my spirit/soul weakens. Without regular meetings I slip into 'alcoholic Nick'. It's the same with the blog. When I don't write I slip into lethargic, detached Nick and get mentally flabby. You get caught up with being busy and that thing called 'life'. It's far too easy to slip out of a habit. Far easier than get into good ones. Writing is the same. A couple of days without writing and you start to detach. Then it becomes a chore and you put it off. Before you know it 7 days have passed. Making one weak.
There have been extenuating circumstances. Super busy with work, then meetings after work, meaning I haven't been home until 11 most nights. Usually I live alone, so I get in and write immediately but my girlfriend's been staying all week as her gaff is repaired. It didn't feel right to get in and say, 'Hi darling, how are you?" and then piss off for an hour whilst she goes to bed. The Result? 7 days without writing.
I guess I could fit it in at lunchtime or on the train home, but my writing habit is in the kitchen, in my pants with a cup of Rosie and a packet of silk cut. I didn't feel right doing that in a small place. Not that I've minded having her here of course. It's a small place. She obviously prefers her own house, with her own things and I'm not the easiest bloke to live with, but she's been as good as gold. As have I.
Fair play to her though. My gaff is the cleanest it's been for ages and the cooker has actually been used. Apparently she says there are two types of cleanliness in a house. Clean and then something called 'bloke clean'. Which in reality is actually filth. It looks OK to me, but in reality it's not. Such is the difference between men and women. Us guys have a distorted sense of reality sometimes.
So I thought I would do a quick round up of the week since I last blogged. What's happened and what I've learnt.
Monday
Sadly we lost a friend of AA. Archie. A proper old timer. 50 years sober and a man well loved and respected passed away. He helped so many people and was well loved. He will be sorely missed. RIP.
He held the values of old school AA and lived a decent sober life full of love, compassion, service, fun and laughter. His funeral will be heaving. Lot's of people will want to remember him. Thoughts to his family and friends.
Tuesday
Went to see a healer. To most of you not into that stuff you will instantly become cynical. But I went with an open mind and this guy came highly recommended. I went because my body is in bits and I'm finding it very hard to shift the smoking, DC, sweetener, negative thinking and 'head'. He was cool. A former footballer but a believer in spiritual healing and forces beyond our limited thinking.
Effectively he laid me down and then placed hands on me for an hour. My eyes closed and he said he gets rid of evil spirits. I felt rushes in my body, thoughts from childhood, images of a struggle. All kinds of things were going on.
I had an overwhelming thought in my mind of 'let go'. Let go of childhood trauma. I went to the heart of that feeling of low esteem ,abandonment and the decision I made from an early age that I wasn't good enough. I heard myself saying 'it's not your fault'. Spooky.
When I came round an hour later I felt exhausted and rather odd. He told me he felt an evil spirit had been attached for me for ages. Perhaps different lifetimes. But it was out to get me and intent on killing me. He heard the words 'get him the fucking cunt', and told me a few things which made sense. I'm not placing too much on it, but it certainly made sense of my head, my struggle and the intent on killing myself from one way or another.
He said, 'go away you may feel lighter, but the proof is in how you feel. Come back in 3 weeks but see how you go'. It wasn't mumbo jumbo, it wasn't so far out there. It was calm, relaxed and to me felt right and made sense.
When people say 'love yourself', 'be good to yourself'. In theory of course it makes sense but what happens if you don't know how? That's what he said, if an evil force is so strong in you, it makes it almost impossible. His role is to try and lift those and enable people to live with more freedom or move towards a better place.
I'll take all the help I can get thank you very much. I left feeling calmer, lighter and at peace. I Still the same pains, worries, fears. I was still me but a calmer more assured me. Can I hold on to that please?!
Wednesday
A busy long day at work. Felt great inside. The calmness remained. I still felt the peace and acceptance that it's OK to be me. I liked it.
I went straight from work, to meet a sponsee and then to a meeting. There was triple A Lister attending which invariably always changes the dynamics of a meeting. People can't help it. They tend to 'play to the gallery' and do 'impress sharing'. Although I didn't really connect with the meeting. It was a bit too cool and Crystal meths for me, my new found state of calmness meant I didn't judge (new for me) and let it all wash over me.
My sponsee was in a bit of a state so we went for coffee and I got home at 11.30pm. Knackered but feeling good. I had a catch up with my GF and then of course instead of going to be for an early start in the morning I watched Minder until 2am. The healing didn't heal my late night will.
Thursday
Dam, the calmness had rubbed off. A slight hint of anxiety and fear was in me. Fuck, I thought I had been healed so was super gutted. Another busy day at work, tired so I demolished fuck loads of caffeine and fags to keep me going (er any link to the anxiety and fear Nicholas?) Then I decided to treat myself well. I headed to the gym and a meeting after work. Felt better. Staying up until 2am with my woman didn't help though for my 5.30am start the next morning. Two steps forward 3 back!
Friday
An early start. A busy day. Tired and craving #carbwank. Met my niece for lunch. Salt Beef bagels are the way forward. Ate my body weight in Millionaire Shortbread in the afternoon with the troops. That shit is like crack cocaine. Shortbread biscuit, caramel and chocolate. What the hell are they trying to do to me? That's like heaven on heaven on heaven. Christ almighty. One is far too many and a thousand's not enough.
I had to rotate tills as I went back to M&S several times out of sheer embarrassment. 'I may as well have said, 'Look I'm an addict. When I start on the sugar thing. I cant stop. It's like drinking. I'm tired so craving junk and I wont be happy until I've done 10 of these little fuckers. Besides these should have a health warning. Caramel, shortbread and chocolate!!! What the fuck are you trying to do to me!!!!!" I didn't say any of that. In fact the tills were all self service, so no-one gave a toss. It was all in my head.
Still, it perked me up and I felt that calmness return as I attended my Friday evening home meeting. My 3rd of the week. I felt better. More nourished. More grounded.
I had felt like an imposter to my sponsees all week. (for those not in AA a sponsee is a person who is newer around than you and may ask you to help them with the programme/sobriety if you have been around a while. I have 3 and they are all a pleasure, most of the time)
In truth because I stopped at 28 and wasn't as hard core alcoholic as my brother, father and others I hear, I've always carried guilt, shame and feeling of less than as an alcoholic. That others know more. That I was a 'pussy alcoholic'. That's being ultra hard on myself and follows the pattern of the self hatred stuff. In time I have calmed on that attitude and softened. Now I feel lucky not to have gone so far down the scale. I am a fortunate one. But I still felt a fraud if people asked me to sponsor them. I would always say "yes, but if you hear an old timer or someone with over 20 years I don't mind you asking them'.
In the past year 3 guys have asked me and I have a great relationship with all of them. Don't get me wrong when I'm locked in self and not in a great spiritual shape when I see them call sometimes I think 'fuck this, what about me'. But most of the time it's an honour, pleasure and makes me feel better to try and help someone.
However I can only help someone if I'm helping myself. After all I can only pass on what I've got. No more. My experience of the disease of alcoholism and the programme of recovery as I have experienced it over 12 years. It doesn't make me well. A guru. Christ there are many areas of my life that are somewhat dubious. However I have been honest and I think they like the fact I haven't got everything sorted. They feel comfortable opening up and their progress has been gradual just like mine. 'Slowbriety'.
That's why I started the blog on that theme. If I don't go to meetings. Don't take care of my 'head business', my alcoholism I cannot pass on anything. Then I have to just listen and not say anything. My head will be in a dark place but I feel that I'm not helping. However when I do meetings and feel in a better place mentally I am more engaged with them and it feels easier to sponsor people or basically just be there for them as a support.
That's the conclusion I came to last night. This week I did 3 meetings, saw a healer, showed up at work, had an evil force evicted from my body and my God, I really hope that stays.
My neck still hurts, my back still sore. I still drink too much diet coke, smoke too much and perhaps should go to bed earlier and look after myself better but my head is clearer, my soul feels clear. I would take that for the rest of my life and be in pain all day long. Peace of mind, hope, optimism and self acceptance are powerful emotions I've only had fleeting glimpses of over the years but they are vastly under rated proprieties and I'd really like them to stay.
After all if I'm in a better place I'm so much more service to the world. Locked in self is a painful place to be.
It's good to be back.
I've missed you!
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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