Yesterday was definitely back to normal. 53 reads, down from the 1200 about Peaches. I guess I've got to keep it real though. The cult of celebrity and addiction is a topic most people are interested in. Nick Evans' day in the office in fear is not. Oh hum. Best crack on. Ego deflated. It's not about me.
Today's topic is about the human condition. I've spoken and heard several people giving themselves a right good kicking today. Largely about not behaving perfectly, acting out or not being sure what they want. I heard it loud and clear because it's exactly what I do.
Some are harder on themselves than others for not doing things right. This is when guilt, shame and ego collide in one messy mix. Demanding high standards on yourself and others is no bad thing. It's a rare old quality and to be applauded. However when this crosses into miss-shapen self flagellation it becomes more about ego than humility.
Here of course all sense of perspective is lost and it becomes all about self. God knows I have been there many times. It's must be painful to observe.
Today I heard someone nailing themselves to the mast because they are unsure if they can deliver what their girlfriend wants. Torn between the pain of letting them down/hurting them and the fear of being alone. It's a tough place to be. They didn't know what they wanted and it was crucifying them. Swimming round and round until their head was exploding.
This is self run riot. Again pretty standard fayre for me. Not so much these days as I tend not to buy into it as much, but a bastard when you're in it. There is no perspective, way out and reality. Just your head. Trying desperately to figure out all the angles until you can barely think. Beating yourself. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.
Then there is the dishonest behaviour or people not doing things perfectly. Cutting out this and that, stopping certain behaviours, denying themselves things and then castigating themselves when they fail.
Again I've been there and done that on many areas yet on others not. It's a balancing act. You can sit in crap behaviour for years and justify it. I can still smoke and live badly and tell myself, "there's plenty of time for change, you're doing OK". I guess it's whatever works for you and if the pain gets too much maybe then it's time to take action.
I'm more In the camp of learning the human condition than militant and harsh measures. I find one has to experience behaviours in order to learn they don't work. Even then you may revisit them time and again, ready to get your fingers burnt. But for me it really is a spiritual experience of the educational variety.
When I feel I have my disease licked it springs up in other ways. I used to get really hard on myself, now I just shrug my shoulders and put it down to learning experience, the human condition. After all it's not just addicts or alcoholics that think that way. We all have our own struggles.
So, I urge myself more than anyone to take it easy on myself today. It's as much a waste of energy beating myself up about something I did or didn't do than it is not to.
We're all doing OK today. We're all heroes just for today
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Tomorrow I have a huge decision to make. I have a black tie do for work and I am weighing up whether I have enough sobriety, meetings in the tank and lack of self to take the ultimate plunge. To mark a time in a mans life and sobriety where he enters into the world of the white tuxedo.
I bought an awesome D&G one from TK Max ages ago and haven't had the nuts to wear it. Even I the ultimate show pony have had my doubts. But tomorrow is a fancy posh work dinner thing for the great and the good in the sporting industry. You have to be a particular character to get away with a white tux. It looks OK on Sean Connery in Bond but it can go the other way and look a little 'Dear John' if you're not too careful. It's a tricky decision. I could end up looking like a council Beckham (no disrespect to people in council estates by the way)
I'm going to crunch the numbers and come up with a mathematical formula to see if it's possible.
41 years old + 12 years sober x 3789 meetings - 15 years drinking = ???!!!!!
Is that the equation for a white tux? Do I need more meetings and sobriety to counteract my terrible self consciousness? Or would less meetings increase my ego mania self obsession and lead to the land of the tux?
It's a dilemma readers and make no mistake.
I will report back late tomorrow night. Bet the 1147 absent readers are gutted they're missing out on this. What a cliffhanger.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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