Who's bright idea was it to put Valentines Day on a Sunday?
Firstly it's a sport fest - 6 Nations Rugby, Premier League Football and International One-Day cricket.
Thirdly you have the Sunday Roast dinner to contend with. Lashings of meat and sweat inducing carbs don't make for romance.
I'm not sure about you but I find all that about as horny and romantic as a Ford Focus estate. Though to be fair the boot is pretty roomy for dogging in the GX3 model.
I defy anyone to get jiggy after a massive roast dinner. Dreams of sexy romance are somewhat curtailed by passionate sweat mixed with meat ones, whisperings of sweet nothings are interrupted by meat smelling burps and long erotic passionate inducing foreplay is somewhat killed by rancid nuclear waste 'cabbage' farts from eating too much. Bet you're wet now girls hey?!! She missed that out of Fifty Shades didn't she?
No, Sunday is a rubbish day for Valentines love. By the time you've done all your chores, sport and eaten, the last thing you feel in the mood for is love. Perhaps a nap instead.
If you have managed to have a sexy romantic day after all that and gone dogging in your Ford Focus estate, leaving the kids with the mother-in-law, you have my up-most respect. (and slight revulsion)
It's an odd day isn't it? Valentines Day. If you are in a couple there's a lot of pressure to perform and show your love. If you're single there's a lot of pressure from smug couples reminding you you're single. Its a tough gig.
It seems that people are divided into a few camps on Valentines Day; Here are my observations;
The smug couple
Usually found posting pictures from a posh 5 star 'Spa' hotel somewhere South of Spain in matching white towelling robes holding up a glass of champagne. There will invariably be a picture of a love message in red rose petals spelt out on the bed.
These are the most nauseating of couples, especially to those of us who are either single or in love-less relationships. But don't fear, in reality the 'Spa Hotel', picked up on Last minute.com is actually a knocking shop with an outdoor jackuzzi with week old jizz on the side and people who post pics like that up will be split up within a year once they get to know the real them. Result!
The Married Couple with Kids
What Velentines Day? Love and romance stopped with the first kid. No pics as no time. In fact they barely have time to pick a card from Sainsbury's whilst getting the morning papers (the cheapest of course) let alone plan a romantic day. In fact the most romantic thing they get is a home made card from their kids saying 'I love you' which actually makes you more emotional than your husband asleep on the sofa after watching the sport all afternoon and eating too many roast potatoes (see above for description)
The Over Eager Woman and Slightly underwhelmed man couple
This can of course be reversed with the woman being the one who doesn't give a shit, and is slightly close to 'smug couple', however you will spot this kind of couple as the girlfriend, who has been desperate for a proper relationship for ages as 'time is knocking on', is so keen on displaying her new relationship on social media that she cooks a massive heart shaped brownie or cake to show her underdying love to her new man (who doesn't really like Brownies and is more interested in Match of The Day 2 at 10.30 if he's honest) - this is displayed with several pics on social media but the ironic thing is that after he eats this symbol of love he'll be so stuffed she'll have to settle for MOTD2 instead of multiple orgasms.
The Slightly Arrogant Couple
These do not recongnise Valentines Day. In fact they sneer at people who celebrate it and look down on the mass commercialisation of the day, instead they congratulate themselves on 'not buying into this shit' who 'don't need a day like this to show we love each other'. These are usually joyless fucks who have a miserable life and only get turned on by watching other couples at it.
The Unhappy Couple
God how many of these are there? These will post a picture on social media at a table at a restaurant smiling (to show they are having a great day) then go back to 60 minutes of silence listening to other people's conversations as they are more interesting than their own. Either that or they will spend the desert and most of the coffee after the main staring at their phones, scrolling through social media at people seemingly having better Valentine Days/relationships/lives than theirs.
The Happy Couple
I love these. They don't post anything on social media because they don't need to and spend the day present, in each other's company, enjoying each other and being in love with each other. I love these people and I salute you.
The Unhappy Singles
These are single who want to be in a relationship and will spend the day being miserable at couples having fabulous days getting heart shaped brownies cooked for them.
These singles will spend the day on Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Match.com having to block married people who are messaging them whilst in the toilet of the restaurant with their partner at the table for their silent Valentines meal. It's all connected see!
The Happy Singles
These are cool. These are single people comfortable with themselves, who respect themselves too much to have a shit and unhappy relationship. They spend the day with friends, working out, not eating their own body weight in heart shaped brownies. They smile at the unhappy ones, think back to crap previous relationships and optimistically look forward to the next one. You are legends!!
The Sex and Love Addicts
These will spend the day veering between self pity, empty loneliness, despair, chronic need and then euphoria, elation, self love and happiness. They will attempt to fix on anything to take them away from their feelings including former girlfriends, dating sites, sex sites, social media, Starbucks, Gym, Yoga, Muffins and will then finally come to conclusion it's all OK and they needn't fix in the first place as they are OK in themselves and instead do the unthinkable and 'sit with their feelings'.
Always a candidate though for a tempting late night call up to join the Ford Focus set. Roomy boot see.
The Over 60's
Great era this. If they are single they will most likely just get on with it and go and do a jive class or play bridge. They don't do self pity or loneliness. If they are together they will go to the theatre and laugh at the unhappy married 40 something's with kids and congratulate themselves for getting through it. Heroes.
Whoever you are it's a great day. Love can come in many forms and in many ways. Yes of course we all want someone to be there for us, to notice us to give us attention, to love us and receive love. It is a beautiful thing to have someone you love. It is the best feeling in the world to be in love. It makes the day colour instead of black and white.
It can come from yourself, a partner, a child, a sunset or doing 12 minute time trial at level 14 and 100RPM (yes I'm that sad)
So whatever you have done, whoever you are with, and I include yourself in that if you are on your own. From the words of Gandhi, who I found out today was a big sex and love addict.
"What is life without love" - Ghandi
(well in my opinion it's a late night dogging session in a Ford Focus.)
Love you all very much
Happy Vanetines
Nicholas Edward Evans
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