How to Deal with Resentments

"Resentment is the Number one Offender" - Alcoholics Anonymous

We wouldn't be human if we didn't get resentments. The government, your job, society, God, parents, childhood, partner's limp love making, the traffic, stupid people, call centres, rampant commercialisation of Valentines Day. Whatever it is we all suffer resentment at some point in our lives. It's called being human. Real life is tough. It's full of idiots.

Donald Trump may become President, how can you not feel that the world is fucked with that insane shit going on? No wonder we get into resentment.

Obviously there are certain degrees of resentment. Varying from A slight barb against someone's attire, all the way to searing hatred against a religion. Whatever it maybe, justified or not, resentments are one of the biggest blockages to spiritual growth. They are like cancer to the soul. The number one offender. I should know because I've been in it for 30 years.

How many families blank each other? "Haven't spoken in years", court battles, custody, wars over religion? I mean sociological resentment causes wars and death, personal ones cost peace of mind and money. They are dark and ugly. Many people sit in them, enjoying the misshaped hatred. Why? Well because I believe some people are horrible small minded self absorbed fuckers. They are welcome to sit in their own misery. They don't want to change so let's eave that particular breed of sickos alone.

Others such as myself, have been conditioned to pick up resentment because we are so sensitive to the level of madness in the world, oh yes, I forgot, of course because I am an insane ego centric arrogant ego maniac recovering alcoholic who picks up resentments at the drop of a hat. But the difference being is that I have always been willing to change. The fact that it has taken so long or that I have fought against it is not the issue. It's the journey and process of change which is key. You have to have willingness.

The disease of alcoholism creates resentments, 'real or imagined,  it makes no difference, simply to make you want to drink - It's just a side affect of the disease and still happens long after you stop drinking such is the cunningness of it.

I have been in it for 13 years. Not even several inventories have crushed it. Instead I have enjoyed it, sharpened it. It's been as natural to me as blinking.

Why?

Because I loved the adrenaline of anger/resentment. I loved criticising and putting people down in my head as it made me feel superior. I loved feeling less than someone more successful then me because it fed my self hatred and 'poor me' self pity. I loved hating those happy successful bastards because they were doing better than me. Jealousy. It kept me where I wanted to be. Pissed off.

That's been my journey for the past 13 years of my recovery. Resentful.

Resentful of being in AA. Of not being able to drink. Of not being this. Of being too much of that. Blah blah. The only thing that has helped me get through it is a sense of humour. I have made fun of it. And let's face it when people go on a rant against something we identify with, it's like we are living through their rant. We love to hear people say what we think but can't say.

I've been that guy. A ranter. Not as bad as in my early 'Angry Nick' days of sobriety. Where I used to seek out tourists standing on the left hand side of the escalator so I could bump past them nurturing my sense of right and justice.

After all justifiable anger is the most satisfying of all. If someone is a proper cunt, oh my god how good is it telling everyone and letting the world know of their cuntishness. Beautiful. It is extremely important as a resentful alcoholic to be right at all times. Even when you are wrong and have been proved thus. Never admit it. Fuck me, never admit it.

That's me. It makes arguing interesting of course. Firstly you have to start one. As an angry resentful alcoholic that's easy. Just pick one of the countless imaginary made up resentments and let fly. Then stay in it for hours. Relentlessly creating new layers of resentment to argue your point. Then when you have been proved wrong, just storm out or slam the phone down. It's usually best to do this for something pointless and ridiculous.

But you know what and here's the deal - it's shit being in it all the time. I mean it sucks and so do you. It bars any kind of growth. It keeps you from being a success. It makes you miserable. It makes you separate and apart. It makes you small and it effectively in the long term renders you a miserable lonely old cunt who nobody really likes other than fellow miserable lonely old cunts who hate everyone and everything. Usually you will find these in Wetherspoons or the House of Lords.

So, here's the key. The money shot. The pearl necklace. The solution. Ready? Drum Roll..................

It's what you do with it that's the answer.

"Oh is that it?" you may say. "Hardly profound or wise is it? I Bet you were looking for a better solution than that. "Fuck me Nick, Is that all of you've got. You've dragged me into reading this shit all the way down with a catchy solution based title that made me read it and all you've said is 'it's what you do with it' - No shit Sherlock. What a limp dick of a punchline"

Well, hold your horses before you go judging me on that spunk sock of a solution. Let me explain.

One week ago my resentments cleared. I spent a day paying compliments and meant them. Since that day I feel normal. Not judgmental. Not less than. Not more than. I feel calm. I feel peaceful. I feel OK. I have no idea how or why but I do.

For 14 years I have been not drinking, going to meetings, praying to a God I have no idea what it is or even if it exists. I have helped numerous people. I have done my best with the programme,  despite myself mostly but because it didn't want to drink and I was committed to trying to get better.

In that time I have been resentful, angry, I have developed bulimia, sex addiction, weird habits, caffeine and nicotine addiction. I have hurt many people, I have railed against things, ranted, raved, laughed, cried. I have hung on in there when my head wanted to explode with rage. I have been up and down in and out but all the way I have shared my resentment. I have voiced my anger. I have been authentic with how I am and most of all I have been willing to grow along spiritual lines even though my head didn't want too. I have been real and honest. I have been true to myself even when I was an angry bastard.

And you know what, all those years of madness, of anger of getting barred from Yoga have just been my journey until last Weds I woke up with a clear head and felt OK. I didn't feel that anger. I felt it's OK to be me. I didn't feel better than you or worse. I was just me, part of the world.

Now you maybe thinking 'and'. But trust me it's massive news to me that i'm just me and normal member of society. The isolation has gone and I have been well chirpy all week.

Don't get me wrong the 'old Nick' is still in full bloom and I get reactions to things all the time. My ego pricked on a daily basis, But I am also 'New Nick' in that I don't react, keep hold of the anger, feed off it and let fly anymore. I let it go much quicker.

I haven't changed anything in particular. My diet, smoking, diet coke, eating, sex conduct, relationships or any of my bad habits, but I feel like new. It's like grey clouds have parted to reveal blue sky. I hope it lasts, I really do.

I love it. I love feeling up. I love complimenting people and making them feel good. I like giving praise where due and I love teasing to liven things up. I love a laugh with people and I love to wake up and not feel fear. I love it all at the moment. It fucking rocks.

So, to sum up, in short. Here's the top 7 tips to deal with Resentment;

1 - Learn Them - "How can I do something about resentment if I don't know I am in them?" is the usual response. Well, if you have had failed relationships, are unhappy, skint, in a bad job, hate your life, partner, abuse alcohol, drugs, food, take medication, see a counsellor or act out contanstly or are in any way unhappy - you have resentment and it is your duty to get some self realisation and at least look at what they are.

2 - Accept Them. Once you know what they are, Acknowledge them don't deny them. People in denial are truly joyless fucks. At least accept the resentments then you can do something about them. You know where you stand with people in resentment who know they are. It's the ones in denial you never know where you stand with. Grim.

3 - Share them - don't allow them to build up in you and supress. This will then lead to heavy drinking, drug taking, depression or all 3. Let it out do not let it fester. Remember it is a cancer to the soul and it will eat you up if not released. Find a trusted source - then let rip and rant them out. Don't mistake with character assassination or gossiping. That's also shit. Just rant it out of your system then it is done.

4 - Own them - Don't shift blame to another. That's cowardly and shit. Then you are living in the problem. Own your shit. Understand your part then you will know if it's real or not and be a more agreeable human being. We usually have some part to play in a resentment. Look at yourself before destroying others.

5 - Laugh at them - Don't take yourself so seriously. If you cannot laugh at yourself that is the true sign of resentment. Once you can take the piss out of your own ridiculousness you have nailed it.

6 - Have patience in them and you - Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly - As long as you want to be free of resentment you will. it may take 12 days or 12 years but it will come.

7 - Fuck them - Not physically of course. That's for a sex addicts meeting, But fuck them off as soon as you get them. Remember don't feed them or they will grow. Get rid at your earliest opportunity just don't be ashamed of having them. Its Ok, just fuck them.

Never lose the faith and share from the heart, then I guarantee resentment will be lifted and we can all live a shiny happy life. I just hope 'New Nick' lasts. I like him.

Nicholas Edward Evans
@goanick