Relationships & Love Addiction.

I'd like to talk to you about relationships and love addiction. Now I know some of you are married, happy, or don't believe in or know what love addiction is but bare with me. I speak from personal experience.

It was sparked by a party on Saturday night. A pals 40th birthday full of couples, family, friends and love. A beautiful sight to see. My friend has a great marriage, two kids and what on the outside looks like a loving family and rock steady relationship. They are a belting couple.

At 43, most, if not all of my long term friends I grew up with are married with children. They have embarked on building a life together, raising kids and growing a family. All perfectly normal and sociologically sound. And then there was me. 43, recently single (again), on my own surrounded by what seemed to be couples on the piss laughing and joking.

I got chatting to a few people, most of them women in party frocks several glasses of Prosecco to the good. An interesting social experiment because you realise that they actually have no barriers or boundaries in asking questions, usually loudly and rather boringly. Plus it was a very middle class suburban area which signifies middle class suburban values.

It seemed that everyone's favourite question to me was "are you single?" and "why" - like I was a social leper or had something wrong with me. (other than a huge quiff)

My favourite was with a girl who was really drunk, loud, forward and in my opinion deeply narrow minded and annoying. When you are a recovering alcoholic and parachuted into the middle of a pissed party it can be trying and draining trying to converse with pissed people for long periods of time. All of their stigmas and views come out loudly and forcibly and most are pretty narrow minded.(and repeat themselves)

I was flagging at being asked the same question many times so, I decided to have fun with this particular Pomagne Princess;

"Who are you?"
"Nick"
"are you single?"
"why has that got to do with anything?"
"I'm just interested"
"Yes I am"
"why?" - like it was a social fua pax and I had just announced I had Aids and was about to cum into the punch

At this point I considered continuing the small talk and answering politely but I couldn't resist myself at this drunken party totty who I instantly took annoyance too;

"Why? Well I guess I'm single for several reasons, but mostly because my father left when I was 12 and my parents got married at 17/18 and I saw my father do the whole married life, build up a home, family, dog, Ford Granada and be incredibly trapped and unhappy and then reject it all for alcoholism and spent the rest of his 26 years running away from that by becoming a street drunk, so It kind of imprinted on me from an early age that building a married life home, kids and family is essentially pointless because the fun will rub off and you will end up living a life of unfulfilled unhappiness."

Her mouth dropped. I was just warming up

"Plus of course when your father who you hero worship, leaves when you are 12 and then your other role model eldest brother when you are 13 then you are mentally scared and feel like a little boy inside. Coupled with the fact you have a strong maternal feel towards your mother and grandmother who essentially brought you up so you feel comfortable in the presence of women and like their presence, even taking notice of how they do their nails you grow up a little confused"

(She takes a large pull on a cigarette and glug of cheap bubbles)

"So I grew up with a double life. Strong masculine outside whilst insecure little boy on the inside who needs the presence of women. Hence my double life was born where I was terrified of losing face to all the boys at school whilst I secretly dated the more ugly girls who were dirtier.

This double life carried on onto adult hood where I tried to make a go of a normal relationship but in truth it just bored me, so I have had a series of unconventional relationships, coupled with conventional ones but have developed a terrible commitment-phobia but also a chronic love addiction because I love to be love and adored and wanted and needed whilst also wanting my freedom to flirt.

This has caused terrible hurt to a number of women who have fallen in love with me, and so many troubles in staying in relationships far longer then I should, because essentially deep down, like many alcoholic men (and all men if they were being really honest) - I am co-dependant on women to make me feel good and really struggle on my own, which has meant I have stayed in relationships but also been dishonest which just causes more hurt.

(she was spell bound at this point or asleep with her eyes open)

 "So, I'm single, yet again because not only couldn't I commit but I didn't want to, but if you find a girl who is damaged enough to put up with all of your shit because she is insecure and a love addict too then it will form a merry dysfunctional dance until one or both of you will get in so much pain that it has to end. That is why I am single now.

(she took another huge gulp)

"Plus I am a love addict, which means I simply cannot be on my own and it means I will do anything in my power to get a woman to fall in love with me due mainly to chronic fear and self insecurity, then once she has fallen in love with me I will abuse that (in a good way with a heavy heart) but none the less be driven by my addiction which will mean I stray away, create double lives and effectively cheat and lie.  This is the nature of love addiction see. I governs your actions not the other way around.

(By now I could see her eyes drooping)

"But don't get me wrong Pomagne girl, it's not all us men's fault. Girls love to play the victims in this so they get all the sympathy and self pity their own form of insecure sickness is seeking, They are equally as sick, it just get lost in man being bad for cheating. What they need to ask is whey are they in that in the first place? Is it because of childhood trauma so they actually like being hurt and expect it or is it because they are chronically co-dependant love addicts who would rather blame you than take responsibility themselves?"

(She sat down)

"I could have been married many times Pomagne girl but I would have been on the wrong end of 3 divorces. That's why I'm single."

"So, now you see why I'm single with no kids. What child deserves to be born into such dis-function and sickness? So many kids are brought up in this dysfunctional manner, no wonder generations are fucked. The die is cast from and early age.

At least I'm honest and self aware enough Pomagne girl to own up to it and speak the truth. I know in my heart when I can respect honour and feel true love in an equal way and receive it from a partner who earns it and doesn't demand it - do I turn into the biggest romantic in the world and want the best fucking marriage love affair and life together and family in the whole world."

"That's when I will be proud to say, no I'm not single I'm with my woman and she fucking rocks"

She left at that point and I never saw her again.

Relationships are not easy. As my pal said. "You are great with women and terrible with relationships." I guess he's right for the above reasons.

I am told that long term relationships require compromise, communication and work. (not exactly romantic movie stuff is it?) I have no idea. I have seen my parents divorce twice. I have seen people live in loveless marriages for the sake of the kids but the detriment to themselves. I have seen people put up with who they are with because they are scared of being alone. I have seen people really happy together and building together. I have seen people pussy whipped. But all of that is up to them.

As my life is up to me. I know in my heart what I am. I know in my heart what I want. I know in my heart i'm not there yet but that's all cool. Love addiction is a thing. Most people have it without even realising itas they do co-dependency

But who gives a toss. Tonight give your partner a kiss and cuddle. And if you haven't got one, don't be sad. Gove yourself a kiss and cuddle and content yourself with the 1000's of people in relationships who would rather give you a kiss and cuddle than the bloody bastard they have laying next to them.

I have a long way to go to get to where I want but you know what I will get there and as some sage spiritual owl once told me. My maximum of the day is 'try not to be a cunt today and hurt someone'

Wise words indeed

Nicholas Edward

xx