Today was meltdown. A roller coaster. A day of two halves. A great example of fasting, alcoholism, the 'old angry negative me and AA recovery. I had underestimated fasting, being lulled into a false sense of security that it was a piece of piss and have no affect on my mental or physical state. How wrong I was.
Waking up it felt as if all the years of throwing toxins into my body had rolled into one big mother fucker of a crash. Aching, drained, devoid of energy with thick foggy, negative and critical head. The Black dog was on me.
I'm not sure what the black dog is. It's not depression, I'm not sure if it's my alcoholism or if it's just some black cloud that takes a hold. My mind has a tendency towards critical and negative thinking at the best of times. The monkey mind sometimes taking over. The conscious brain, with thousands of limiting self beliefs, worries, fears and anxieties runs amok. If you add alcoholism and the alcoholic mind to the mix it can become disabling. When these two collide and you add a sprinkling of fasting toxins leaving the body it can have a devastating effect. That's what happened to me today.
Old Nick, Negative Nick, Diseased Nick, Devil Nick took over from the moment I opened my eyes, like it had me in a vice like grip. It's as if my disease, the black dog and toxin crash had a meeting whilst I was asleep and agreed to fuck me up when I woke. "We've been expecting you Nicholas, welcome to the day. We are in control now."
I considered meditation, yoga, running or swimming but was welded to the bed. Indecision and apathy ran through me. I immediately castigated myself for not swimming. Comparing and despairing against my Ironman coach who would have been marching out to sea and swimming 1.5km by now. I looked out at the ocean and sank into extreme self hatred. "Why can't I just get up and get out" I whined to myself.
Then I spotted all the other fasters heading to yoga along the beach and I felt double despair that I hadn't made it yet this week and questioned my entire spiritual axis and motivation. It was 7.25am. I knew I was in for a ride with the head.
I attempted to 'get out of my head' with a guided meditation for 20 minutes. But I couldn't get 'turn that bollocks off, this is just a waste of time you know you'll still feel shit after' out of my head the whole time. The committee was in full conference.
I then made a fatal error, I scrolled through Facebook. Big mistake (so much for my social media detox) When you are feeling crap it is guaranteed to make you feel decidedly less than, by viewing loads of people with shiny happy lives doing great things, surrounded by love, family, great job or writing books or other amazing stuff. Sickening. I came across an interview with a lovely guy from AA, whom I helped in his early days and have nothing but love for. He's an actor, just about to be married and doing a film about his life growing up in London with himself, Ray Winstone and Paul Weller doing the soundtrack. The interview was glowing and it sounded like he was on top of the world.
In a healthy, happy and balanced state of mind, (particularly the one I found 3 weeks ago, but sadly lost a week later) I would be happy for him.
Instead, the black dog simply sunk me deeper into gloom. 'Fuck I'm 4 years ahead of him in recovery and what am I doing with my life? Where's my fucking interview in a members club in Soho for a national newspaper?"
I spent the next 30 minutes rubbishing my entire sobriety, life and future. It was compare and despair of the highest order. The Black dog wasn't just holding the steering wheel. It was driving the fucking bus too!
There is an old saying in AA. "Don't go into your head alone, it's a bad neighbourhood." I didn't just go in solo. I camped out overnight and bought the street. I was gone.
I attempted to read some pages of a self help book someone bought me called, "You Are A Badass, How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life." This just made me worse. The author talked about negative thinking, how we create our own misery and how you can earn a fortune and create the life you want in some simple steps. I felt like throwing myself off the balcony.
Jealousy and envy overpowered me. She's writing what I want, yet I don't know how to get it. And she was writing 'How to Get it' - I hated it even more. How am I going to earn my fortune? What is my self help book going to be if I can't help myself? It was full on whiny self hatred. Shoot me now!
I found all of my confusion and uncertainty about what I want to do with my life rising up and overwhelming me. I was almost hyperventilating. I smoked 2 cigarettes, prayed and with dread went for my 1st colema of the day. "Don't worry", I thought, "there's an AA meeting at 11am, that'll make you feel better."
So off I popped for the colema. Have you ever had one of those days where everything seems to go wrong and you're all fingers and thumbs and cant seem to get your shit together? Well that was me in the colema room. I literally couldn't get my shit together.
The pipe kept coming out of my ass, there was shit everywhere, I couldn't re-attach it and in the end I abandoned it half way through, traumatised and double castigating myself. "You can't even shit properly, you stupid bastard." the black dog said. I felt very low. I was even less than at shitting.
I staked everything I had on the meeting.
Meetings are very different to the UK here. There is no main speaker, this one was in an upstairs open air restaurant, over looking the beach. People sit round a table and it is pretty free and easy relaxed.
I got upstairs and Dr J was taking the meeting and there were 6 women around the table. 'Fuck' I thought. 'Just my luck'. They were all dressed as extras for 'Eat, Pray and Love'.
In my state I needed some old timer guys who would talk pure alcoholism and recovery and make me laugh and help me pull out of the misery. I needed to get out of my head, Instead I got Dr J and several middle aged women who were on a yoga retreat.
Now, I shouldn't be saying this because of the yellow card. It is Anonymous after all and it's not for me to go blabbing what is said in a meeting. I am aware I am probably breaking the twelfth tradition (or is it 11th) - that anonymity is the spiritual principle of AA, but I wanted ot commit it down to writing, as it highlights alcoholism, how you can fuck up and how you can make amends. Forgive me, if any AA's are reading this and shaking their head at me writing about it.
The meeting started 10 minutes late, which got my skin crawling. I was seething inside. An old timer once said to me, "a hallmark of good recovery Nick is a meeting starting on time and finishing on time." - I'm quite old school in the values that way. Everyone was sat around doing small talk. I wasn't in the mood for small talk. I wanted my medicine. I felt deeply uncomfortable.
Then we did a reading about step 4, this is essentially character defects, how we are malfunctioned and our behaviour can cause pain to others. Instead of blaming others for everything it's usually something to do with ourselves and our reaction to life. I listened and nodded sagely. This was me. Who am I to judge and criticise others?
Then Dr J kicked off the meeting, again, as he has done for the past 10 years of coming here. I thought to myself. "Have respect, have tolerance and have compassion for the man." I looked him in the eye and listened to him talk.
10 minutes later I was getting twitchy. It was a 1 hour meeting, there were 7 of us and there were 29 minutes left. I told myself to 'shut up and listen more'. I did.
15 minutes went by and he was still going. Bits were coming off me by now. Steam was rising, resentment burning. His words were actually starting to hurt.
20 minutes passed and began going through my full (and trusted AA repertoire) of tricks to signify to Dr J that his time to speak was now up. I thought 'we're all going to get about 4 minutes here and this cunt has had 20'.
I rattled my chair, looked at my watch twice, yawned, put my head in my hands and finally with my head about to explode, did a huge sigh and kicked the table. Everyone looked round at me. He carried on undeterred.
My anger was rising. My head was doing cartwheels. I considered walking out, but finally I just cut in as he was speaking and aggressively said, "Is anyone else going to get a chance to share?" - He stopped dead, looked dumbfounded and replied back with venom, "Sure Nick, there's 25 minutes left, I'm sure everyone wants to hear you."and stopped dead.
There was an awkward hush. Even the rain stopped momentarily. Everyone looked at me. I kept my trap shut. A whole 30 seconds went by before one of the old girls said "Do you want to share Nick" I said, "No, I wanted to listen to others and share later."
Luckily a newcomer who doesn't give a toss about such AA ego stand offs and is so self absorbed (ring any bells Nick?) piped up. But the die was cast. My mood sank lower.
I managed to share. Throwing a couple of snide kidney shots to Dr J. It's the classic AA share in a general way but you are really aiming at someone. It's a low blow but I was fuming.
My mood was compounded at the end when one of the yoga girls, who didn't identify herself as an alcoholic shared about 'we' and 'us' and how people shouldn't judge and criticise and how she thought it was important people had the right to express their feelings. Fair enough,
But basically she was having a kidney shot at me, however what she failed to see was that whilst saying 'we shouldn't judge' she was actually judging me for sharing what I did. Classic blind denial and hypocrisy. Mostly found in the yoga spiritual kind of AA around these parts.
It wasn't the best meeting for me. I felt like I was in my early days. Angry Nick had come back with a bang.To be fair I could have said a lot worse, all I did was cut him dead, but I was still out of line.
The meeting ended. Everyone sat round indulging in small talk again. I left immediately with my head burning. Could today get any worse?
I stomped around, smoked a cigarette and went back to my room to sound off to someone. I had too. What followed was a 10 minute rant. By the end of it I realised I was out of line, that I shouldn't fuck with the traditions of a meeting and never cut someone off no matter what. But I also realised I was right though in my sentiments just not my actions.
I went to sleep, woke up, felt awful, and went back for my 2nd colema. Whilst I was waiting Dr J walked past. I knew what I had to do.
I went up to him, looked him in the eye and apoligised. I shouldn't have done it. He accepted and gave me some feedback. Saying on Thursday you said 'you prefer to hear people's truths and how they are feeling' I tried that today and still you didn't like it.' I felt guilty.
A - that he actually listened to me last week so tried something new and B - that he was sharing some painful stuff and I just cut him off.
I felt awful and we shook hands, I apologised again, I said he was a good man and offered him a hug. We embraced in a slightly stiff and emabarrased way and I walked away feeling so much better. I will never have a resentment again Dr J again.
I sailed through the 2nd colema, and thought 'yes i'm a competent shitter again' suddenly the world felt better. My energy cleared and I actually began to feel a little high, like I was on drugs. Fasting can do that to you.
I bumped into a newcomer from the meeting and said, 'I'm sorry for earlier, that's not usual AA behaviour", she said , 'Oh god don't worry about it, I was thinking the same as you.' - vindication!
The evening was spent eating clear broth and getting pummeled by the strongest thai woman I have ever seen with hands like shovels. It was a bona fide Thai Massage before you ask. A happy ending from her would have finished me off (perhaps not the best turn of phrase)
So there it is, that's day 4. So many lessons for me to learn'
- do not underestimate fasting
- do not underestimate my disease of alcoholism
- take care of the head otherwise the black dog will descened
- do not compare an despair
- why be so self critical?
- Learn to love instead of hate
- sharing my truth is important even when it's angry or fucked up
- you can say you are sorry and start again
- positive actions lead to positive mind-sets
- to thine own self be true
It's been an interesting day I hope day 5 is better and I don't fall out with anyone. Just imagine if I gave up smoking too.
Lots of love
Nicholas 'lady thai boy' Evans
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