OK, I'm not going to lie. I haven't had a great day today. Not that anything went dramatically wrong or was awful. I just didn't feel at the races. I wasn't all there. One sandwich short of a picnic. A pint short of normal. You know when you have those days?
I woke up normally. Nothing really out of the usual. Did my regular morning routine, went to work as usual. It was sunny, I'd had a decent weekend, but something didn't feel right. I checked myself. I believe they call it 360 Degree self reflection. Had I done anything to make me feel this way? I didn't binge last night, didn't overeat on sugar, went to bed at 12.30, got 6 hours sleep, didn't argue, lie, cheat, fall out with anyone. I attended x2 meetings, took my mother out for lunch. On paper I should have been OK and firing.
Instead I felt lethargic, distracted, unsure of myself, a little insecure and flat. I wasn't present. I was unfocused. I couldn't concentrate, I found myself wanting to go out of the office every hour to smoke. I was staring blankly at my computer. Clicking 'inbox' time and again, when nothing new had arrived. What was wrong with me? Even the smallest task seemed a gargantuan effort.
When I feel like that I can usually find some kind of distraction to make me feel better. Except there was nothing. Nobody messaged me, nobody showed me attention, no-one at work praised me. I didn't 'act out', I wasn't thrill seeking. There was nothing. Just emails and spreadsheets. I was bored. I couldn't get myself motivated. It was one of those days. Usually I am totally engaged and fired up about my job. I have been 'on it' for 5 months, but today I wasn't. Even getting called 'Beckham' at lunchtime by x2 girls in short skirts and high heels barely registered. I know something's up when I'm not chasing skirt.
Instead I yawned, drank diet coke, endless cups of tea and furiously chewed gum. I smoked countless cigarettes but to be fair to myself, actually did some decent work. I didn't skive off like I would have in the past. I toughed it out. But my head wasn't right and I felt drained. Devoid of spark and sparkle.
Nobody would have noticed of course. Nobody would have seen. To all intents and purposes I was just another bloke at work. I didn't seem weird or withdrawn. I was at my desk doing what I do. Except of course in my head I wasn't there at all. I was somewhere else. It was a case of my outsides not matching my insides. If I'm honest I couldn't wait to get away fast enough. I wanted to get to a meeting.
I felt guilty for being the way I had. It means a lot to me to do a decent job. I have thrown as much energy, passion and enthusiasm into it over the past 5 months as I can, so I didn't want to slip back to old ways and undo the good work.
I hadn't of course, it was just my thinking. Everyone is allowed a slightly off day, it's about tomorrow and bouncing back that counts right? Plus it's only work of course and life is bigger than that.
I got to the regular meeting at 6.15. I have a love/hate relationship with it and find myself judging and criticising people in my head. I stormed out of it a month ago. Not that I'm childish or prone to bouts of judgmental pangs of anger.
However, the main share was ace, the sharing back really on the money. People seemed to be sharing my head, my thoughts, my experiences and I felt myself visibly relax, breath easier, forget my head, lighten up, feel more energetic and my whole mood/energy lift. It was incredible.
I had a share up myself, remarkably not subtly or directly having a pop at anyone. Concentrating more on how AA seems to alter my attitude and lift my mood. I genuinely believe that God works through other people. In the Big Book, it states that 'God will do for you what you cannot do myself' - well today I couldn't lift myself out of my physical and emotional fog. I go to a meeting, connect with other human beings with the same mind as me and BOOM, my mood lifts. That is god working through others for me. It makes sense to this little thicko.
I left the meeting lighter. Happier. Brighter. It made me think of the old AA phrase, "I'm here because I'm not all there." So true today. Cheers AA. Nice one.
Watch me immediately forget when I get up tomorrow morning. Seems to be the way of the disease as the head kicks back in. I'm OK with that. It's why I need and want to go to regular meetings. It is nurofen for my soul.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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