Yesterday's blog got a pretty passioned response. Both from people in recovery and from 'normies'. It seemed to strike a chord. I worry though that I talk about addiction and recovery too much. Are you bored yet?
I wonder what the lady who wrote the passioned piece in the first place thought. I wish she could email me to let me know her thoughts. I Hope she didn't feel that I was making something deeply personal too public. Something I've had aimed against me many times throughout this blog.
Sometimes I do wonder if I'm going too far. Revealing too much. Being too public. Some things I cringe at, however in my preamble to my blog in 2012 I did say, "Some things will be too much, some things I may regret but it will always try and seek the truth."
I suppose if you feel you are being true to yourself it gives you authenticity and self belief. Writing the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself.
I generally struggle with self care, self love and self worth. Most, if not all of my addictions/bad habits remain. I haven't let them go yet this year. I find it easier smashing myself up in some form or other than being vulnerable and uncomfortable and changing the habitual self hatred fuelled activities.
So writing the truth in the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself. So why should I deny myself that? To thine own self be true. Even if the truth is hard, horrid, painful, repetitive or boring. Fuck it, at least it's real.
Having said that, there are appropriate places to take deep inner thoughts. It is a measure of emotional maturity and sobriety when you learn where to take things. I am of the disposition to share everything with everyone. it's my nature to spit everything out. However I don't think of the consequences. I don't ever think that some people judge, criticise, don't like or I get a reputation. I never think of that. I always forget it's a public blog too. It's just me in my kitchen with my thoughts and experience and I write like I share, but I forget you read it too!
It's about finding a balance. Something I have traditionally struggled with. Balance is usually something I see as it hurtles past me. I am only learning too. Don't forget I struggle. I dont have the answers. I'm just as bewildered and confused as you on some days.
I guess, as we get older and continue the journey of sobriety you find The right levels of maturity to be open and honest about yourself but also to choose the moments and places to really open up. I'm on the path to learn that. One day I will get there.
So because I'm tired and it's late on Saturday I haven't got an awful lot to say. These blogs can't all be gold medal standard every day can they?
Today I didn't drink, I didn't binge on sugary shit, I didn't cheat, I didn't have sex with anyone inappropriate, I didn't gamble, didn't steal, I didn't lie and I didn't piss anyone off, lose my temper or shout.
OK, I didn't do a meeting, haven't really engaged with other alcoholics, struggled to meditate, smoked more fags than I have fingers (and toes) demolished loads of diet coke and buttered a load of liver sausage slices from Asda and stuffed those down me ( my new addiction. Grim isn't it?), but that's OK. I'm not Ghandi, a Guru or a saint. I'm me. Nick. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink today and I'm still a raging lunatic inside. I'm alright with that. Are you?
As my old friend Malcolm used to say, "enjoy your insanity Nick, it's here to stay. Now cheer up you miserable bastard." Miss you Malc.
Together We Are Stronger
Nicholas E Evans
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