Day 150 - Signing off in my chinos for 2 weeks

Sunday night and it's my last blog for 2 weeks. I'm having to take an enforced holiday from my blog. I know, I'm gutted too.

I'm off early doors tomorrow morning to work on the Commonwealth Games for 2 weeks. It's going to be full on and as part of the Team I am working for I have to agree to a no social media policy. So I cannot write or report on my experiences whilst working for the team. I signed up to it when I joined so unfortunately no writing for 2 weeks. I'll be suffering from withdrawals. How will I get my daily fix?

Not only that but I have to wear the team outfit. A selection of leisurewear and chinos for 2 whole weeks. No cowboy boots, no skinny jeans, no waistcoats, no fitted jackets, no flip flops or slightly camp looking shorts. It's all shell suits and chinos for me from now on. I did ask if they could tailor some super skinny chinos but my request fell upon deaf ears.

I haven't worn chinos since I was 13. I'm just not a chino type of man. I've nothing against them. It's a good look. Just not for me. Don't worry though readers I'm not going down the deck shoes and jumper over the shoulder look to compliment them. I'm a twat but not that much of a twat.

Not only that but I have to wear a tracksuit. I haven't worn one of those since I went through my 80's casual phase. Tracksuits are not for me either. Mind you I will be mistaken for an athlete. I best cut a secret silk cut pocket in the lining.

I'm about to be part of a team of 620 people. 400 athletes and 220 support staff. I'll be working on the commercial side. Looking after sponsors, trying to sell to new ones, creating contacts and generally mucking in and helping everything run smoothly.

I'll be surrounded by people, living in a bubble of multi-sport games time. Apparently it's like a silo world where the outside doesn't exist. I'll be at it from early morning to late at night, so not only would writing a blog be against what I signed up for I doubt I would have the time anyway.

I'll miss it though God dammit. I hope you will too. I get messages when I don't write for a day or two, so please forgive me but for once I'm bang into my job and want to make it work.

I'm looking forward to the experience in Glasgow. It will be hard, punishing and long hours but I'm up for it. I'm going with an open mind and a good heart. I think that's the best way,

So have a great couple of weeks. Behave yourself. Well, on second thoughts don't. Raise hell, give it a go, tell the truth, don't suffer in silence, celebrate your weaknesses and whatever you do, remember together we are stronger. I'll miss you loads.

See you in August (PS - I will be tweeting now and again so you can follow me on Twitter if you want - @goanick)

Love you very much

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 149 - Just another day in sobriety

Not a lot happened today. Woke up, went to a meeting, met a mate for coffee, chatted about their relationship, offered my customary advice, did a workout, oh and bumped into a Hollywood A lister and had a cup of tea for an hour. Just the usual day in Richmond really.

It was bizarre, my mate knew him from the firm (meetings), I didn't but it was still a rather odd occurrence to stand in Richmond talking movies, recovery, addiction and low self esteem with a bloke who was in one of my favourite movies of all time.

I'm not going to blow his anonymity or be one of those wankers who limply claims cool esteem because I know someone who knows xxxxx. That would make me even more desperate and knobbish than I usually am.

But it was fun and interesting. My mate is a terrific people person and makes people feel at ease. He's very sociable and treats all people the same. Whether you are a movie star or street cleaner he is class with people. I liked seeing him in action, as he greeted this guy like a long last brother, so starting a really easy hour long conversation.

Some of the things I learnt from the conversation were as follows;

1 - I really liked the guy - humble, open, honest, mad and slight neurotic. Funny how we connected isn't it?

2 - Didn't take himself too seriously - would I really be the same if I found fame. Respect

3 - I learnt the difference between an actor and movie star. There is a difference

4 - Apparently fame, money, power and prestige doesn't take away that awful low self esteem and 'hole in the soul'

5 - He didn't take acting too seriously as a profession

6 - I only felt less than on one occasion when he was talking about going in a fighter jet that week and I realised the main thing I had done this week was complete a 24 page power-point presentation

7 - My girlfriend went weak at the knees  when I mentioned it , saying 'Oh my God I love him,'  showing far more animation and excitement than she ever has with me. Not that I'm resentful, jealous or have insecurity. I take solace that at least I was taller than him.

I salute you Mr actor. And my mate for introducing me. I like to see people doing well and being good at their jobs. This dude certainly is that, plus to see my mate welcome people and talk to them like they're the most important person in the world was something that really impressed me. He has no idea of course, but it was brilliant to watch.

PS - If I read, see, hear or read any further reference to it being 'hotter than Ibiza', 'scorching' or 'too hot' I'll scream and not ice cream. It's the fucking summer and we're in the middle of global warming. I'm sorry for all the elderly and weak who suffer with their health in this weather and of course I'm concerned by the state of the planet but lets call it right, at the end of the day I've got a killer tan and as we all know on the Inside Job it's all about the outside, image and how you look right? Sorry earth but I look so much healthier

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 148 - What the f**k is going on with the world?

I can't write today with all this shit going on. What the fuck is happening with the world?

OK, I feel rough, grumpy, not well, back and neck hurt and not at the races this week. I'm a moody, grumpy sod but that pales into total insignificant after today's news.

Planes shot out of the Sky, 300 people dead, Israel launching ground attacks into Gaza, hundreds being killed and injured including Children. What the fuck is happening? Are we intent on eating each other up in this world?

I'm not even going to go into details. I'm not an expert nor claim to know much about World politics, history and social standing. But fuck me, can we not all chill world?

It's not really the people in my opinion it's the Governments, it's the military. It's the political power crazy lunatics. I'm convinced most people just want to get on with their lives. No matter where. Raise kids, work, live a life.

So what the fuck is happening? It's insane. It's been happening for years except now we have 24 hour rolling news channels that film it. We have social media that communicates it.

One word of warning though, don't believe the news channels or social media. It is all tainted with some view or another. Rarely is the real truth reported.

I'm sad today. I don't feel well and I'm grumpy,, but the world is in pain today. I feel that pain. I'm angry, I'm bemused. I'm sad.

What must God think, if indeed he exists. Is he looking down, shaking his head thinking, 'what the fuck are you lot up to down there, sort it out.'

I know I would be if I as God. But contrary to some people's opinion. I am not he.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 147 - This is to you readers - I love you

This is for all you readers.......

When do you feel at your best?

Is it when you're connected? When you identify, when you feel part of, secure, heard, understood, listened to? Part of modern life is that we sometimes feel so disconnected and alone. it's weird considering we're all on Facebook, Whats App, text, Instagram or messenger all day. We're always connected aren't we? Never alone?

Well yes and no. There is a huge power in being connected to a large amount of people. That's why meetings are so good. That's why being connected on Twitter or Whats App whilst watching large events is so fun.

Remember the Olympic Opening Ceremony? The London Riots? 7/7? All of these we watch and want to share our feelings. I did. On Facebook and Twitter. It enhanced the experience. It made me more engaged. When we are connected at the same time. It is powerful, fun, challenging and thrilling. There is a special power in being together. It shows me, together We Are Stronger.

And in my own little way I feel this way about my blog. You are reading it along with 50-100 other people. Some of you I know. Some of you are total strangers. Some of you are recovering addicts and share the same disease as me, some merely share my human experience. We are all different, yet all the same.

We all have this thing called life in common. We are all human beings. We all love, hate, cry, laugh, feel fear, worry, get frustrated, horny. Some of us worry about money, some of us don't. Some of us are happy, some not.

The thing I love is that you're reading this. We are all connecting. I know this because I get messages from you. You don't know that other people are sending me messages just like you. Without even knowing it you are connecting with others. Because you are feeling the same. You are not alone. We aren't alone.

I love that. I love you for reading this. I love you for being you. For reaching out. For messaging. For supporting me. For sharing this. For being part of our little community.

You may not know it but you've found something special in this blog. You are in it at the beginning. This will turn into something. You mark my words. It maybe part of a movement, a gang, a reason. I'm not sure quite what yet. I'm not sure how, or when, or what - but I am trying here to find the truth. To out my insides and encourage you too. To share, to be together. To tell the truth. To not be embarrassed about feeling weak, or fearful, or worried.

i am convinced what I am doing is something. Fuck knows what but you don't hear much of the truth these days. From paedos, to judges to lifestyle coaches selling a seminar. When do you really connect with someone trying to find the truth? I hope that's what I'm doing in my own little way.

So I love you. Please give yourself a pat on the back. I feel close to you, connected. Some days there are 50 of you, some days 150. I know I have my daily readers and my biggest advocates (Kate you are awesome because every day you share this blog to your community)

I am humbled by my messages this week. I had another today. I am so touched. I am so so touched.

Love you all

Together We Really Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 146 - The Power of Meetings and Shift of Energy Through Other Human beings

OK, I'm not going to lie. I haven't had a great day today. Not that anything went dramatically wrong or was awful. I just didn't feel at the races. I wasn't all there. One sandwich short of a picnic. A pint short of normal. You know when you have those days?

I woke up normally. Nothing really out of the usual.  Did my regular morning routine, went to work as usual. It was sunny, I'd had a decent weekend, but something didn't feel right. I checked myself. I believe they call it 360 Degree self reflection. Had I done anything to make me feel this way? I didn't binge last night, didn't overeat on sugar, went to bed at 12.30, got 6 hours sleep, didn't argue, lie, cheat, fall out with anyone. I attended x2 meetings, took my mother out for lunch. On paper I should have been OK and firing.

Instead I felt lethargic, distracted, unsure of myself, a little insecure and flat. I wasn't present. I was unfocused. I couldn't concentrate, I found myself wanting to go out of the office every hour to smoke. I was staring blankly at my computer. Clicking 'inbox' time and again, when nothing new had arrived. What was wrong with me? Even the smallest task seemed a gargantuan effort.

When I feel like that I can usually find some kind of distraction to make me feel better. Except there was nothing. Nobody messaged me, nobody showed me attention, no-one at work praised me. I didn't 'act out', I wasn't thrill seeking. There was nothing. Just emails and spreadsheets. I was bored. I couldn't get myself motivated. It was one of those days. Usually I am totally engaged and fired up about my job. I have been 'on it' for 5 months, but today I wasn't. Even getting called 'Beckham' at lunchtime by x2 girls in short skirts and high heels barely registered. I know something's up when I'm not chasing skirt.

Instead I yawned, drank diet coke, endless cups of tea and furiously chewed gum. I smoked countless cigarettes but to be fair to myself, actually did some decent work. I didn't skive off like I would have in the past. I toughed it out. But my head wasn't right and I felt drained. Devoid of spark and sparkle.

Nobody would have noticed of course. Nobody would have seen. To all intents and purposes I was just another bloke at work. I didn't seem weird or withdrawn. I was at my desk doing what I do. Except of course in my head I wasn't there at all. I was somewhere else. It was a case of my outsides not matching my insides. If I'm honest I couldn't wait to get away fast enough. I wanted to get to a meeting.

I felt guilty for being the way I had. It means a lot to me to do a decent job. I have thrown as much energy, passion and enthusiasm into it over the past 5 months as I can, so I didn't want to slip back to old ways and undo the good work.

I hadn't of course, it was just my thinking. Everyone is allowed a slightly off day, it's about tomorrow and bouncing back that counts right? Plus it's only work of course and life is bigger than that.

I got to the regular meeting at 6.15. I have a love/hate relationship with it and find myself judging and criticising people in my head. I stormed out of it a month ago. Not that I'm childish or prone to bouts of judgmental pangs of anger.

However, the main share was ace, the sharing back really on the money. People seemed to be sharing my head, my thoughts, my experiences and I felt myself visibly relax, breath easier, forget my head, lighten up, feel more energetic and my whole mood/energy lift. It was incredible.

I had a share up myself, remarkably not subtly or directly having a pop at anyone. Concentrating more on how AA seems to alter my attitude and lift my mood. I genuinely believe that God works through other people. In the Big Book, it states that 'God will do for you what you cannot do myself' - well today I couldn't lift myself out of my physical and emotional fog. I go to a meeting, connect with other human beings with the same mind as me and BOOM, my mood lifts. That is god working through others for me. It makes sense to this little thicko.

I left the meeting lighter. Happier. Brighter. It made me think of the old AA phrase, "I'm here because I'm not all there." So true today. Cheers AA. Nice one.

Watch me immediately forget when I get up tomorrow morning. Seems to be the way of the disease as the head kicks back in. I'm OK with that. It's why I need and want to go to regular meetings. It is nurofen for my soul.


Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 145 - Shall we talk addiction again or are you bored?

Yesterday's blog got a pretty passioned response. Both from people in recovery and from 'normies'. It seemed to strike a chord. I worry though that I talk about addiction and recovery too much. Are you bored yet?

I wonder what the lady who wrote the passioned piece in the first place thought. I wish she could email me to let me know her thoughts. I Hope she didn't feel that I was making something deeply personal too public. Something I've had aimed against me many times throughout this blog.

Sometimes I do wonder if I'm going too far. Revealing too much. Being too public. Some things I cringe at, however in my preamble to my blog in 2012 I did say, "Some things will be too much, some things I may regret but it will always try and seek the truth."

I suppose if you feel you are being true to yourself it gives you authenticity and self belief. Writing the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself.

I generally struggle with self care, self love and self worth. Most, if not all of my addictions/bad habits remain. I haven't let them go yet this year. I find it easier smashing myself up in some form or other than being vulnerable and uncomfortable and changing the habitual self hatred fuelled activities.

So writing the truth in the blog is one of the things that makes me feel good about myself. So why should I deny myself that? To thine own self be true. Even if the truth is hard, horrid, painful, repetitive or boring. Fuck it, at least it's real.

Having said that, there are appropriate places to take deep inner thoughts. It is a measure of emotional maturity and sobriety when you learn where to take things. I am of the disposition to share everything with everyone. it's my nature to spit everything out. However I don't think of the consequences. I don't ever think that some people judge, criticise, don't like or I get a reputation. I never think of that. I always forget it's a public blog too. It's just me in my kitchen with my thoughts and experience and I write like I share, but I forget you read it too!

It's about finding a balance. Something I have traditionally struggled with. Balance is usually something I see as it hurtles past me. I am only learning too. Don't forget I struggle. I dont have the answers. I'm just as bewildered and confused as you on some days.

I guess, as we get older and continue the journey of sobriety you find The right levels of maturity to be open and honest about yourself but also to choose the moments and places to really open up. I'm on the path to learn that. One day I will get there.

So because I'm tired and it's late on Saturday I haven't got an awful lot to say. These blogs can't all be gold medal standard every day can they?

Today I didn't drink, I didn't binge on sugary shit, I didn't cheat, I didn't have sex with anyone inappropriate, I didn't gamble,  didn't steal, I didn't lie and I didn't piss anyone off, lose my temper or shout.

OK, I didn't do a meeting, haven't really engaged with other alcoholics, struggled to meditate, smoked more fags than I have fingers (and toes) demolished loads of diet coke and buttered a load of liver sausage slices from Asda and stuffed those down me ( my new addiction. Grim isn't it?), but that's OK. I'm not Ghandi, a Guru or a saint. I'm me. Nick. I'm an alcoholic and I haven't had a drink today and I'm still a raging lunatic inside. I'm alright with that. Are you?

As my old friend Malcolm used to say, "enjoy your insanity Nick, it's here to stay. Now cheer up you miserable bastard." Miss you Malc.

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans

Day 144 - The Power of The Inside Job - Humbled

Hi readers. Apologies for being away. I've had a colossal week. Ultra busy and totally surreal.

I really wanted to write about my week because it has been so eclectic, including a visit to Buckingham Palace. However I will do that tomorrow. Instead I had to write today about an incredibly powerful post/comment I received on this blog today. It took my breath away. I was stunned.

I posted it on my Facebook page earlier, so forgive me if you have already read it. And if you're the person who wrote it, forgive me for sharing it.

It is not to embarrass you. It is not to make you uncomfortable. It is not to highlight your plight or to make me look a hero. It is to celebrate you, the writer. It is to celebrate your courage. It is to celebrate your humility. It is to celebrate your humanity for trying to uncover the truth and make sense out of it. It is to celebrate you. You are the one who is an inspiration for writing it;

Anonymous - July 11, 2014 at 2:33 AM

 

Hi,

I wanted to write this to you privately but couldn't find an email. Ideally i wouldn't share this with others but i think it's important you know.

My husband died last April, in a very similar way to Peaches. It sounds crazy but in all the time i had known him i only found out about his alcohol and drug addictions just over a month before his death.
I had no idea! mind you that opens up a whole gamut of emotions...and isn't why I'm here!

Our twins were only a year old when he died. I'm not playing the martyr here, bidding for your sympathy, it's just i often wonder how, when the time comes, i'll tell them about his death. Obviously, i wouldn't lie to them.

I want you to know how your blog has helped me to understand the vortex of addiction a little further and because of that quite a few of your entries have made it into my girls memory boxes - most recently this one. 

I know they will help them too.

You're an inspiration.

Thank you x"

 

Words fail me. There is very little I can add. It is almost not enough to be able to respond. But here goes;

 

I cannot begin to understand the pain of having 1 year old twins and losing the father/your partner at that time. Any time is bad enough, god knows then. I wont even begin to speculate on the pain, trauma, shock, bewilderment, grief and mind dumbing pain it must have caused. I have no idea how you managed.

 

To be able to reach out and write about it is huge. It takes tremendous courage and strength to reach out and say such kind words. How much humility you have to do that.

 

Do not even say such words as martyr. This must not pass your lips. Your words are completely the opposite. They are heroic. Trust me I have heard martyr's all my life and they do not speak the language you do.

 

You are not a victim. You are not fishing for sympathy. You must be trying to make sense or find a path along the way. You to me are heroic. You to me are inspirational.

 

Addiction has no boundaries. It has no sense of timing, class, faith, colour, creed or social standing. It is a greedy bastard and it merely wants life. It will stop at nothing to claim that, no matter what the circumstances left behind.

 

My mission, if I have one is to make alcoholism/addiction socially acceptable. That's not to say we should accept death or addiction, but in the sense it is not a dirty secret. It is not something to look down on. It is not something to be embarrassed by or ashamed.

 

It is a disease, just like cancer except it is dressed up differently. It is no less powerful. It kills. As you know, without reason or in some cases detection. It is in my eyes as socially acceptable as depression or diabetes or any other medical condition that is terminal. It commands respect. Yet do people listen?

 

The trouble is with it, you cant tell who's got it. Most people can't tell themselves. It is ignored, mis-treated. Unknown. The medical profession don't even understand it. Some don't even want to. It saddens me.

 

How many more people need to die before society gets it? How many more people need to die before medical systems accept it? How many more kids will grow up missing parents because people don't know about it?

 

Try telling you, your kids, others affected by loss of loved ones. Try telling my father or the 1000's of others on the front line addiction doesn't exist and is a dirty secret.

 

To all the doubters, or judgers or experts who claim it isn't a disease. Fuck you. Fuck em. Fuck em all. Where are they on the front line? Are they the ones who have buried their father? Are they the ones who see generations affected?

That's why I'm a massive supporter of AA and other 12 step programmes. That's why I love Alanon. It has helped my Mother come to terms of a life spent with alcoholics and set her free. That's why I love speaking the truth in this blog. That's why I love recovery.

I'm not cured. Lord knows I find many ways to act out in peculiar and addictive ways. But I'm on board with sobriety. I'm on board with the concept of addiction as a disease. And I will never stop talking about it. I will NEVER stop until it's the norm. I will NEVER stop until I die making it OK to have it, be affected by it, grow up with it, suffer loss from it. It is OK.

 

What you did takes huge strength and courage. I hope one day your kids will be proud of you and their father. I hope one day they will see that it wasn't his fault or yours. No more anyone's fault than getting cancer or M.E.

 

You are the inspiration today my lovely. You are the one who deserves to be in the memory banks of every one of us. Not just for me but for everyone who reads this. They will all think, wow, what a woman you are. They will all give you tremendous respect you so deserve.

 

I know it won't change the past, ease the pain or change circumstance but it will give you a boost knowing that all the 100's ( I wish 1000's - but that's my alcoholic ego, see that's my style of writing heartfelt with a little bit of cheeky humour I think that's why people rather like the blog) who read this blog will be admiring your beautiful words and incredible human spirit.

 

God bless you. God bless your twins. God bless their father. This one is for you because as you know, my tagline is really very true today, today especially, Together We Are Stronger. And WE LOVE YOU and THE TWINS.

 

Thank you

xx

 

Nicholas E Evans