In fact, what a stupid turn of phrase. I've gone right off beam. I've lost it. Sorry. I've probably lost you before I've even got you. What must you think of me? Three years out of this writing lark has clearly robbed me of my creative powers. I used to be so good. Promise. If you're new to this blog - I was shit hot. Honest.
Now? I can't even get my metaphors right. Let alone spell them. Plus only 126 people read my blog yesterday. My last blog in 2017 - 'the day I shat myself in the London marathon', got 2,500 views. Yep. Two and a half thousand of you read that masterpiece.
AND I got endless emails and comments from people crying with laughter. Several people messaged me saying, 'I literally had tears running down my cheeks reading it'. I replied 'Funny that as I literally had shit running down mine'. I didn't hear from them again.
Instead, this time round, one hundred and twenty fucking six. I mean if you were one of them, thanks. But no disrespect, Uber drivers probably get more views. I need to up my game. The Nick Evans isn't happy about 126 measly reads.. He's used to being in the upper echelon of blogland. He's the big blog Daddy. The blog daddy. Daddy blog. Bloggy. Blaggy. Doggy. Dodgy. Ah fuck it. Someone quite high up in blog world.
TNE's shouldn't be scratching around the bottom of the blog pond with other losers desperate for 'likes' and views. Bet they didn't have to resort to sending links to people on what's App groups they don't even use anymore like TNE did. Not that those cunts read it. They probably got yet another notification that is irrelevant to their life from @TNE and thought, 'fuck that, delete. He's chasing likes"
Fuck. Don't they know who I think I am?!!!! Here's me. A respectable business owner. A lifestyle guru. A self styled legend in his own Speedos having to resort to 'chasing views'. In my 30's I was chasing skirt, Now it's views. My life is over. Kill me now. On hundred and twenty fucking six!!! Blog Pond Vermin.
Anyway. Back to the blog. As the title may have said. I'm on holiday, in Thailand. Koh Samui. I've been here 8 days now, 9 by the time I publish this (publish as in save it, edit, then click 'live' - not publish as in get a publisher to edit, bind all my blog topics together into a publication and publish as a fresh, new, dynamic & funny self help book. Of course they wouldn't do that. Why? because nobody gives a shit about blogs with one hundred and twenty six fucking views!!!! That's why. Publishers would rather publish some lavatory paper with a skidmark from an Uber driver than my pisshole blog with one and twenty six views. In fact perhaps I should change the title of the blog from 'Inside Job' to 'Totally irrelevant one hundred and twenty fucking six job.'
God, steady TNE. Sorry readers. I'm getting a little het up there. I mean I need to kickstart my recovery head into play here. Be grateful for the readers you have got. Not the ones you haven't. You're probably thinking. 'That wanker is slating me as one of the 126. Who the fuck does he think he is?!
Sorry. You're right. My bad, I need to be more grateful and nurture my readership. Groom them like a Radio 1 DJ. Bring them along for the ride. And I need to be more gentle on myself too. It's early days. Only my second blog in 3 years. 126 is a decent start. With some blinding digital marketing advice, snazzy hash tags, A great editor, someone writing some better content and giving it to someone else to do, the views will be up in no time. What have I got to worry about? Relax! You're on holiday!
And that's the point of this week. De stress. Relax. Switch off. Chill. I swear to God guys. I haven't had more than 2/3 days off in 3 years. I have been like a tightly coiled spring for ages. Never having set up a business before you go at 100 mph all the time and get involved in literally everything. Until 8 days ago when I got on a plane and came to Thailand for a 10 day break.
Now I know what you're thinking (or maybe). Thailand. A white, middle aged 47 year old man coming to Thailand. King of the happy ending. Nudge nudge, wink wink. But honestly this is the place I've been coming to for 15 years and I don't, nor ever have, got involved in that nonsense. I actually come here to get away from it in London! I need a rest!
I come to Samui because I know it. It's got a great recovery community. It is known as a detox and fasting Island. People usually come here who are burnt out, looking for a quick health fix, or weight loss or whatever it is they want to get away from.
I did my first 7 day fast in 2006, which gave me tremendous energy afterwards and a good flush out. I've done it off and on over the past few years. It's like rehab for your health. Usually I have done it at a health spa which has yoga, meditation and all that shit. (I have been known over the years to indulge in such spiritual practises I just don't make a song and dance about it), and AA meetings.
Even without fasting, I have used Samui as a health reboot. Sun, heat, humidity, kosher massage, fresh clean food, running, a little exercise, meetings, reading, sleeping, resting and rebooting. Sometimes you drop a couple of kilos too (in weight not Narcos), which for someone who has always struggled with sugar, over-eating, weight and body image stuff is always helpful.
This year, no fast, no spa (it's shut) and I have stayed at the 4 star hotel next-door. I've stayed here a few times and it's always quiet, which I love. It's away from the main tourist bit, in a quiet stretch of lamai and it suits me. I needed to thaw out. I was burnt out. Launching Evolution and leading the charge almost continually over 2 years took it's toll mentally, physically and spiritually. I needed to recharge.
I'd also got into a pretty unhealthy routine. The ironic thing about being a trainer, instructor, coach, business owner, CEO, boss, motivator, entrepreneur is that the last person you tend to have time to look after is yourself. Now, I am pretty open that I have had terrific addiction issues around lots of things. Putting down the drugs and drink at 28, meant it triggered a whole load of other secondary addictions including sugar, binge eating, over-eating, under eating, exercise, sex, women, DVD boxsets, holidays, Ironman triathlons, getting a 6 pack and biceps (fed my sex/women addiction) and i have found living a balanced, healthy lifestyle, diet difficult. For most of my 30's i survived on 40 silk cut, 12 cans of diet coke, a 6 mile run and tins of tuna save for the occasional binge. I was lean as fuck but not the healthiest!
I come from Welsh DNA of looking at food and putting on weight. Add in the fact I have no off button and love getting into bad habits, I found myself over the last 12 months, of working so many hours then finding solace in comfort eating as a way to reward my 16 hour day and also switch off and not think about the stress. I told myself, 'It's fine you teach 2-4 classes a day you need to eat those calories. You'll burn it off. Bollocks. I was consuming about 2,500 in the day (Usually from around 3 hot chocs at the Robin Cafe, that shit is like crack cocaine) then when home at night slapping down around another 3-4,000. That's 6,500 a day. I may need that if i do an Ironman, but not daily. And my legs and body had got so tired i can barely take part in a class. So the training went, my routine went, the sleep was sparse, the stress high and calorie consumption through the roof. All whilst training people and being the leader of a fitness movement. I began to feel like a fraud. And this is very common.
I've only been doing fitness just under 3 years and owning a gym for 2. I swapped from 20 years in commerce at the blink of an eye, after stopping smoking. I'm not the most uber qualified scientifically proficient PT, cycling coach, teacher, runner, fitness dude on the planet. I struggle too and this break was a real opportunity for me to reclaim my health.
Now I'm not obsessed with weight, but I hit 86 kilos before I left. I was doing all my Ironman's at around 75KG and feel at my best around the 78KG mark. I felt lethargic. Slow. My clothes were too tight (when I actually wore real ones as I've been in Lycra and hoody for 2 years which hides literally everything) and I didn't like things jiggling or feeling the way i did. Yet i found it hard with so much going on to change it. Hence why i came to Samui. It really is a reset kind of place for me and i'm very grateful for it.
Pretty much sums me up on Samui. I'm not perfect but i'm working on it!!
Except this time I had an unusual experience I've never had before. After checking in late last Weds night. I got up on Thursday morning and dozed by the pool. I went to my room, stayed in my room. got up again on Friday. Did the same. Sunbathed and dozed by the pool.
Now i'm jet lagged to fuck. Chronically fatigued after teaching 15 classes a week for 2 years, no break. Mentally knackered after 2 years of stress. I mean I can't even tell you the accumulation mentally of having to make 6 decisions at a time and spinning the plates of so many things for so long. Burn out!
So I'm out of it. I'm not really there. I just mong about which is absolutely what I need and wanted to do. It's now Saturday. And it dawns on me. I haven't actually seen another soul at the hotel. I've seen staff. There's the pool and open plan restaurant and little beach bar, reception. I go to my room at night and by day I pad about. But nobody. Am I dreaming? So I ask the grossly overweight ladyboy receptionist who permanently sweats. I'm not sure sweats so much because;
A - It's 85% humidity and 30 degrees
B - She can't decide if she wants to be more he than she, or
C - It's a good 5 hours until dinner
Anyway, I ask the question. "Is there any other guests in the hotel?" She answers, "No sir, just you. We have guests tomorrow (Sunday)"
And then it hits me. I have been alone here since Weds and only just noticed. And then for the rest of Saturday and Saturday night I become massively aware. The silence is deafening. it verges between cool and slightly creepy.
It's like a Thai version of the Shining. I keep expecting Twins on tricylces and massive waves of blood to cascade along the corridors. I've been to a film in a Cinema at Fulham Vue on a Monday afternoon at 4pm on my own with nobody else in there. But never a hotel.
I have to admit I love it. Total peace. Total zone out. I came here to rest. To try to switch off. To get healthy and get myself ready to tackle the next iteration of Evolution as we open a new studio in Feb 2020. Being the only one in the hotel, other than me and the sweaty overweight Lady boy receptionist called Zangahia - or as I called her Pat. Was heaven. Until Sunday.
And then they moved in. The loud Russian families. The non stop talking and chatting of the older women. Nonversation (the art if non stop talking about utter shit) is even worse in Russian. Thank god the young ones just concentrated on being sullen and silent, whilst the men just sat silently at the bar. I can't complain I had the run of the place for a few day so I retreat into my books and music and find peaceful places.
I read an amazing book on surviving the holocaust called Choice. It was both emotional and inspiring. It made me cry twice. What a treat. I try to read a book on management and culture but find my head just to full to retain information.
I find myself crying at the hands of 'liong' an old tiny Thai masseuse woman with the strongest hands in the world. Fuck me, no amount of failed co-dpendant relationships and endurance events can describe pain like 'liong' inflicted. The words 'fucking horsecocks' are still reverberating around Lamia. Loudly.
I find myself getting dragged into small business matters I can leave alone. I meddle, somewhat needlessly at times from afar. Directing proceedings from a sun-lounger. I watch out for mistakes and send messages when I shouldn't. It's one thing demanding standards to be high and it's another to micro manage. I find it hard to let go to be perfectly honest. I'm sure everyone who has started something has experience of this.
I try to run and my legs are so painful from 2 years of continual spinning my quads feel like I've run 4 Ironman's. I rest. I sleep. I eat very little. I swim. I read. I sweat. I plug into wi-fi. I keep my phone on. I keep hooked up. I relax but I don't switch off.
Until day 8. I thaw out. I relax. I leave my phone in the room. I go old school. Me, the beach. a walk. a book. chill. Heaven. I switch off. Fuck it, nothing is that important. Ironically when I get back to the room there are several messages about something that in the end was sorted.
But the point is. It took me ages to switch off fully. To unwind. 3 AA meetings. Plenty of rest. Some exercise. Very tight eating (no junk, processed or shit - apart from the DC and gum of course) and some work. It's fine. I expect It and I own a business so it's par for the course.
I did think/hope I was going to do some creative thinking about the future of the business. About culture. About classes, about this and that. But you know what, fuck it. I will do when I'm back.
I'm not even worried about the 126 views of the blog now. This holiday has been like this blog. Starts manically and hectic in the head then calms down. A little like what happens to me in an AA meeting.
This week I have reclaimed me after burying myself deep into Evolution for 2 years. Now I'm going to go back and do the same but try to be a little more relaxed, a little more work on the business not in it and be a little smarter about how I drive myself into stress. Because if one thing I have learnt in the last 10 days. I will not achieve anything by being knackered, tired, stressed, flabby, burnt out, short tempered and negative.
When rested, reading inspirational literature, attending meetings, eating clean, feeling lean, being right on the button I feel like the TNE that can lead Evo into a glorious future. With 1000's of views and not care f I get them or not.
If I don't look after me then I won't look after anyone else and then there won't be an Evo.
Elvis used to have a saying he used with his team. 'Taking care of Business. TCB'. If I don't take TCB for TNE I won't have EVO and EVO is the best, most proudest, most wonderful thing I have ever done in my life.
It is an amalgamation of all the good things I have done. It is because of recovery. It is because of the dead end jobs and mid range Ironman's. The self doubt, the insecurity. The wondering what to do with my life. The 50 failed gigs at stand up comedy, the sobriety, the body dysmorphia driving me further into training to get lean and qualifying as a trainer. It's about all these reasons - never thinking I'm good enough. In my own family, in commerce, in endurance sports and in being a PT. Comparing and despairing next to fitness giants or experts with millions of following and books and brands.
I thought to be a motivational expert or a leader you had to have achieved extra-ordinary things. You had to be ultra qualified. You had to know your shit.
But I'm not. I'm not a gold medallist. Or a high performance athlete. I haven't been to The Olympics or got 22million followers on Instagram. I'm not a former SAS officer who talks about mindset and leadership. I havent rowed the Atlantic. I'm not a business leader with a multi-million pound brand behind them. I'm not a level 4 qualified Master trainer, or an elite cycling coach, or a sports psychologist. I did 3 Ironman's, 6 marathons but not in an especially quick time.
All of these reasons above I thought and still do as barriers against my success. As reasons why i can't succeed. As to why i dont know enough to be a motivator. Do be a successs.
And then I thought those reasons above are exactly why I can and do. Because I represent 80% of the population who do struggle to get up and moving, who do struggle with training, and eating right and their weight and the self image and their confidence and their life. I am you. I am Mr Normal. It's precisely because i havent done the above and think i am NOT good enough is the reason of the scucess. It's because I identify. If i can. Literally anyone can. Seriously.
I have done so many Q&A's at companies with people who have done amazing things. Won gold medals at the Olympics, rowed across ocean's. Climbed mountains. Suffered incredible hardship. And they are amazing. But my job was to marry sport into business. And the main thing i learnt was people get inspired by identification. By thinking if you can do it so can i and that is what i realized this week.
That is my thing. That is my purpose. That is my meaning and that is what EVO is. Because if i can do it anyone can do it and if nothing else i take away from this week that is probably the most important thing for me (and that I'm down to 80KG - I'm not THAT spiritually fit and deep I'm as cosmetically obsessed with how i look as the next person. Fuck me, you think I'm that healthy yet. Dream on I'll be on this journey against my head until the day i die!)
Thank you Samui for a fab break, for all the lovely people in the fellowship on the Island, for the loud Russian nonversationlists, for the iron elbow old Thai masseurs and for all 126 of you who have read this blog
Finally, a special thanks to Lizzie, Jodie, Emma, Emmanuel and Tina for stepping in and stepping up at Evo to allow me to go away. Me love you long time - i may do it more often!
TNE
xx
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