The Nick Evans Guide to White Van Man

The Nick Evans Top Ten Tips to being a White Van Man

Yesterday I helped a friend move. It involved hiring a tranny (we've all been there boys) although this Tranny was a lot cheaper and more economical than previous ones I've hired. For a start this one was a white van.

Now hiring a tranny is difficult. You have to choose the right one and make sure it's of sufficient quality to carry a heavy load. Luckily we got the right one. £40 for a day and use it as much as you like. A real bargain.

We hired it from Kendals, although sadly it didn't come with free Mint Cake (despite my hourly updates on that particular joke my mate didn't actually laugh at it all day) but it did come with the 3 seat cab, drinks holders, long gear stick and when the guy got it ready for collection. He looked over at us, threw us the keys and said 'this is your little kitty kat for the day'. This revealed a great insight behind men's attitude to a white van.

Something strange happens to men when they get in a big white van and drive in it for the day. It grabs hold of the male psyche and turns you into something your not when you drive a normal car. It reminds me of my touring days when I spent 3 years driving a van around the UK on comedy tours. It is legendary and so I'd like to welcome you readers to my Mans Guide To driving a White van. It will deal with etiquette, attitude, rules, regulations, behaviour and of course Male pride. It's all in here, so settle back, relax, grab yourself a Kitty Kat, put down Exchange & Mart and enjoy 'The Nick Evans Guide to Driving a White Van';

1 - Preparation of Male Pride

Everyone knows Men are born to drive. It's in our nature. Nobody trusts a man who doesn't drive. Even men who cannot drive, drive. It's more important to men to be a good driver than it is to be a good husband or father. As long as you know the way to Cambridge along the A11 then your OK.

Every man worth his salt knows the true test of masculinity is not in providing for your family, treating your woman like a queen or being top dog. It's knowing your way around the country on the back roads and NEVER using maps or Sat Navs. That is just failure. Men would rather drive around for 3 hours lost then ask someone for help. White Van man will never use Sat Nav, maps, ask anyone for direction or admit they are wrong when lost.

Be prepared for your whole ego, personality and outlook to change once you enter into the cab of a white van, perhaps it's being slightly raised in height above all the other car drivers. However, entering into a white van effectively makes a man feel utterly superior to every other person in the world even if his IQ is single figures and he struggles to spell the word 'twat' let alone understand it. Be prepared for it Men.

2 - Pecking Order

White Van men know the pecking order on the roads. The lowest is pedestrian. An irritant in the way at zebra crossings or traffic lights. For the white van man, these are otherwise known as 'roadkill'.

The next are cyclists, or as white van men like to call them 'target practice'. Yes we know Bradley Wiggins won gold in the Olympics doing it, it helps fight obesity and is good for the enviroment but White Van Men generally hate these morally superior 2 wheeled wankers. Especially when they converge on them at traffic lights in rush hour clad in neon clothing and lycra, disrupting valuable smoking time with arm out of the window.

Next in line are car drivers. These can be split into females, females with sports cars, females on school run, men who can't drive, real men cars, and of course the top of the tree Men with massively unnecessary cars who are merely making up for their empty lives and lack of self esteem and cock size by having a showy car that screams 'Look at me'. Trouble is everyone does look at them and think, 'twat'.

Up next of course is White Vans. There are several kinds. Small estate vans, (these do not count as they are effectively long cars, the same height as a car so white van man doesn't hold them in the same respect) then you get into proper White Van territory with Tranny or a Sprinter, High cabs, 3 seats, long gear stick and endless room behind the seats to pile up your empties and pasty wrappers. Finally there are the Luton Van drivers. They think they are the bomb. They are not they are Merely HGV wannabes. These are the lowest. Watch out for these wankers.

Then you have the mini bus drivers. Usually failed coach drivers or paedophiles.

Then you actually have Coach and bus drivers. Usually these are middle aged obese men with comb overs who smoke roll ups and wear their trousers underneath their guts. These are salt of the earth men who think dieting is not putting salt on their chips.

Finally the highest in the pecking order is reached. The Lorry Driver. Men driving enormous cabs decorated with scantily clad women and their football team colours. These are the real kings of the the road jungle. They will of course endlessly talk about 'carrying a heavy load' and mix a liberal amount of sexism in with a slight glint of homophobia and racism, but that is expected.

They will usually drive their cab in their pants in the summer and nearly always have heavy skids. Their ego is larger than the Load they are carrying although they will usually live in a semi detached in Kings Lynn and be at least 3 stone overweight. Be careful girls you will invariably bump into these lardy ego maniacs at swinging clubs.

3 - Uniform

To be a white van driver, even for the day you have to look the part. Therefore you must immediately nip down to your local Sports Direct and kit yourself out head to toe in Lonsdale or any alternative cheap sportswear. The clothing must be ultra tight around the gut region and any trousers worn must show at least 2 inches of bum crack.

The look white van man must go for is exactly as Martin Amis once coined 'dressed for the track but built for the pub'. Smart wear or any hint of individual style is frowned upon by White van man and anyone wearing anything slightly weird is immediately shot down as 'queer'.

You may complete the look with some kind of double earring, a spider gel fringe, tattoo up the arm and neck and of course ill fitting sun glasses from TK max. You are now ready to own the road. Proceed.

4 - Etiquette

Once you are in your white van etiquette is crucial. Clearing your throat for the days road rage is important. You must get your larynx nice and lubricated with endless mugs of tea so that you are able to shout 'wanker', 'twat' and 'knobhead' loudly all day long.

Also you must keep your fingers nice and subtle so you can flick people the V and curl up your hand for 'wanker' signal several times.

Keep your neck loose so you can shake it at female drivers to inform them of your complete disdain of their driving skills.

The usual road etiquette for white van men is NEVER let anyone out, always weave in and out of traffic, rev your engine higher than Jenson Button on the grid, always have your window down and look disdainfully at anyone pulling up next to you, park across 2 lanes so nobody can overtake or undertake you, always drive too close to cyclists and most importantly drive too quickly everywhere.


5 - Inside the Cab

The cab is your domain. Your throne to sit up on high and look down on the world (well the road anyway). Any van driver worth his salt will know it has to be littered with empty coke cans, pasty wrappers, half eaten bags of crisps, scotch eggs, fag packets, well thumbed copies of The Sun or Daily Star and the occasional mucky mag (old school)

Any white van man who introduces salad, water, organic produce, The Guardian or any other form of literature than ones that have tits on it is immediately struck off the list of Van drivers and will live in penance for ever more (Or Cheam)

The Cab is a haven of white van man and should be adorned as such.

If you have a drivers mate, conversation should stretch no further than 'pass me the pasty' or 'look at the jugs on that'. Any further conversation should last for no longer than 2 minutes and be controlled to white van man subjects like football, asylum seekers and beer.

Subjects like feelings, emotions, politics, women, insecurities, fear, sex are strictly off limits and will result in an instant white van man ban and 3 points.

6 - Diet

To be a white van man It's important to get the diet right. Your day should start off with a nice mug of tea and 5 rothmans. Then you must of course stop off at the café for a full English. Throughout the day graze on crisps, pasties, scotch eggs, cokes and more Rothmans. Lunchtime is time to enjoy a picnic in your cab, Perhaps push the boat out and grab a KFC or Macdonalds. Always eat it whilst staring out at passers by and comment disparagingly at all of them.

Once done either stuff the empties behind the seat or throw out of the window. Then in the afternoon repeat the morning snacking until when you reach the end of the day you have done 10,000 calories and have to be winched out of the cab by a crane.

White van man is oblivious to things like heart disease, obesity and healthy living. Their Healthy option range is smoking silk cut. All good white van men think healthy is for 'mincers'.

7 - Attitude

It's important to have a healthy attitude in the cab, Therefore sprinkling a little racism with sexism and homophobia is encouraged. You may listen occasionally to LBC and get irate at all the 'fucking liberals calling up'. You may express sympathy to the English Defence League and most certainly pin the blame at the countries demise at illegal immigrants and other such like. Women should be viewed with a mixture of fear and disdain. Any white van man worth his salt will understand fuck all of women and get every relationship completely wrong whilst believing 'she's lucky to have me'.

8 - End of the day

Once you have been sat down all day, doing fuck all, complaining at the entire world, feeling superior, eating, drinking, smoking and generally spilling hate and bile upon the world. You have earned your night off. So what does white van man do to celebrate the end of the day?

Go home and spend time with their woman? Nah of course not, you must go down the pub, sit down all night, do fuck all, eat, drink and smoke and spread bile and hatred of the world - basically take the Cab to the pub. You have earned it.

9 - Spirituality

White van man is very fond of the spirit world. Especially near to closing time when he gets on the Jaegerbombs,

10 - Resting Up

Once you have completed your day, driven home from the pub drunk. You are ready to crash. Therefore you have to park your van for the night outside your house. Except you don't. Try to park it right in front of a neighbours, blocking their light and of course their drive ways so they cannot get out.

Your van is a status symbol. It is a bastion of Bloke ego. It is effectively saying to your neighbours 'fuck you. I drive a van and I'm a bloke so you can fucking fucking well fuck off. I'm the daddy of this neighbourhood' - It's definitely not any kind of signal for others to think 'knobhead'


Of course it is time to rest that weary body. Your throat is dry from talking shit and smoking. Your hands hurt from the endless wanker signals. Your belly is full from the mountains of shit you've eaten and the gel is drying from your spider fringe making you look like someone had just cum on your forehead.

It is time for sleep white van man. Tomorrow is another day. what fun awaits. The world can hardly wait to hear your wisdom and interesting worldly views. Thank god for white van man

The end

The Nick Evans