These are worrying times for men. Our role in society is changing. Men up and down the land are being emasculated. Is it therefore any coincidence that over 5,000 pubs have been shut since 2005? They are closing now at a rate of 12 a week. As the Great British Pub diminishes so does Man's masculinity.
The rise of metrosexual 'new man' has been shaped by the decline in the Great British Pub. 'Bloke in the pub' is now an endangered species. A dying breed. So much so I have lobbied English heritage to make them Grade II listed and placed on the WWF endangered species list along with people who speak on landlines and hand write letters.
Pubs were not just places to drink, to meet or be sociable. They performed a valuable role in the development of man. You went into them a boy and left a man. Albeit a flabby single one. Granted it took several years but you know what I mean. They were places of valuable life experience, knowledge, information & social dis-function. They were a counselling service, Samaritans, business advice centre & social club all rolled into one. If ever man was in doubt about anything he could go to the pub to seek other men for sage advice & simply to talk shit for several hours.
No more. Pubs these days have to cater to an ever changing world. They are either themed, full of teenagers binge drinking, serving poncey food covered in 'Jus' or 'family friendly' meeting places full of noisy kids and soft furnishings. Taxes, rates, cost of beer and the double standards of Government has effectively fucked the pub right up. Drinking is now too costly hence the rise of the gentrified gastro pub. It's all 'eateries', 'kitchens', 'grills' and 'dining rooms'. In the old days the only dining room was an open packet of Ready Salted next to an over full ashtray. A sad demise.
The men only saloon bar has vanished. This Male haven is no more. It used to be an oasis of calm, where men could go to stand in silence. Drinking. No chat, no fun, no 'Pinot Grigio'. The only food on offer was pork scratchings. The special of the day, 'liver chirisos'. It was like a meditation centre for men as they could seek refuge from the pressures of the outside world, nagging women and be comfortable in the drunken silence of other men. Of course they are all dead now. Prematurely from alcoholism no doubt.
With pubs shutting and the role of modern man being questioned. I thought it would be useful to provide a Mans Guide To The Pub. It's sad that a new generation of men are growing up thinking pub etiquette is buying coloured alcohol drinks that taste of candy or slow roasted Devon Pork with an Bramley reduction. It's time to Man up boys and learn from our forefathers in the art of Pub behaviour. It's at the very core of what being a man is all about. We should never forget our roots or heritage. These men literally gave their lives so the new generation of pub goers could eat jarred Pistachios with carefree abandon. Enjoy;
Put down your 'Nuts' magazine (& nuts). Put the lid on your exfoliation cream. Turn off X factor and Man up. Its time for an unashamedly one dimensional old school nostalgia trip. It's Your Mans Guide to the Great British Pub;
1 - Choosing the right Pub.
Avoid 'happy hour' or worse still 'Gastro pubs'. The only thing gastro you should get from a pub is Enteritis. Pubs are there to drink. Not eat. That's why God created 'AbraKebabra'. For solo drinking choose a pub that looks like it's been recently committed for demolition. Perfect isolation. If you are feeling sociable feel free to choose a pub with music. Be careful not to venture into the Walkabout or 'theme pub' area. This is like a living hell for old school man and creates strong homicidal tendencies. It is a well known fact that over 80% of spree killings happen after an all dayer in a Walkabout pub.
2 - Match the Pub to Your social standing
A useful psychological trick missed by most psychotherapists and counsellors. Choose a place that is lower than your social standing. This will boost your esteem and help you to live under the illusion you are better than you really are. This is crucial for Male pride and self delusion. Two massively important aspects modern man has sadly lost. By choosing a proper shit hole (or as we like to call it 'Wetherspoons') it will mean you can bounce along on the bottom without ever feeling you are doing badly, there will always be someone in the pub worse off than yourself, creating false feelings of 'I'm doing OK', when everyone other than you knows your not.
Be ultra careful not to choose a pub with well to do clientele. Avoid 'All Bar One' at all costs. If you do end up in one of these places it could make you feel utterly worthless and less than, as you look around twenty some things all doing better than you and having more fun. This could well send you into a spiral of depression, however you may content yourself in the fact at least you don't drink coloured alcohol and pretend you know about wine. Leave these bunch of Foxton cunts to their pretentious fun and return back to the safe haven of The Red Lion. Your feelings of superiority will soon return and you will congratulate yourself that you have indeed put in the hard yards at the pub not like those lightweights who will probably leave All Bar one, get married, have kids and live happily like most normal people. Be proud that you didn't take this path and instead stick to heroic masculine solitary alcoholism. Well done.
3 - Attire
Get your pub clobber right boys. Clearly if it is a social occasion you may want to dress to impress. This involves wearing something not from Sports Direct. It's a well known fact 88% of women do not get turned on by tracksuit bottoms. Particularly with normal shoes. This doesn't signify eclectic individualism. It signifies mental illness. Instead choose something unique, individual and stylish. Perhaps a pastel coloured Ben Sherman shirt. Be careful not to tuck it in. If it's topped off with a spider gel hairstyle and enormous gut you will have women falling at your feet. You are now ready to proceed.
If you are a more advanced hardened drinker. You will have your tried and trusted drinking trousers. These are more stained than a Jackson Pollock. Most will have turn ups to catch any spillage, peanuts or flecks of vomit. By now they have been worn so many times they will actually walk you to the pub and home themselves. They are a skid stained Sat Nav or as hardened drinkers like to call them, 'Shat Nav'.
If you are in early stages of alcoholism you may hold up your drinking trousers with a dressing gown chord. If you are in advanced stages you may just wear a dressing gown. You have now officially given up.
4- Getting ready
For a younger generation you may put some effort into your appearance. It involves washing, shaving, gelling up that hairpiece and giving your cock a lucky wash 'just in case'. A splash of 'farenheit'' and you're ready to roll. This is the best time in a mans life. Full of optimism and hope. The evening and weekend is in front of you. The world of the pub is yet to fill you with cynicism and bitterness. It is as yet unborn. The limitless potential. Who will I meet? Who can I chat up? All possibilities are before you. Enjoy this time men, for it doesn't last. Hardened drinkers will know this.
For hardened drinkers, getting ready involves checking for a pulse & breath. Optimism has long since passed. it's now about survival. Good luck you are now ready for the pub.
5 - The Pub Pecking Order
You have to earn your right in the pub. If you are young it will involve standing in a group with your mates. Usually taking the piss out of solo older drinkers. Then you graduate to a table, where you may entertain your lady friend or girls. This is your sensible phase. Here the pub becomes an extension of your living room. You still use it for social purposes and may even use it as a starting off place before going on somewhere else. You may even eat on occasions or nip in for a quick scan of the paper & pint. This is the best period of Mans life.
As you become more experienced and a regular you graduate to the stool at the bar and once the barmaid says the immortal phrase 'the usual?' - you know you have made it. At this stage you will be on familiar terms with the other regulars and feel you have found the secret of life. You have graduated from boy to man.
This is pub Nirvana and you can seek out advice from other regulars on a multitude of subjects. Relationships, money, investment, politics, work, career, job, romance. By now you have total respect for the older regulars and hang on their every word like it's the gospel. Do not be fooled by them spending all their time in the pub and living in a bedsit being twice divorced and pot less. These men have sage advice and life experience. Watch out though they are merely trying to get you to follow their path in order to sub a tenner off you before Giro day.
After a few more years. You will join this merry band of solitary drinkers. You will graduate to your own seat in the corner stool or for exercise, stand at the bar, with one arm resting on it and foot placed slightly raised on a stool. This is a textbook Pub position and is in perfect bio chemistry with your body mechanics. Plus it's easier to keep your trousers up over your gut that way. Which by now will be bigger than a Harvester. You have Graduated and worked your way through the pub positions. Well done. You are a human equivalent of a 'lager top'
6 - Conversation
It is a well know fact that all conversations in a pub are factually incorrect. Be careful not to come over as someone who doesn't know it all. You must claim to know everything in a pub. Never ever use the phrase 'I don't know'. All experts can be found down there. If you need relationship counselling. Go and see Barry. He's been married 5 times and his 6th is divorcing him. If you need money advice go and see Dave. He's filing for his 3rd Bankruptcy. The fountain of all knowledge in life is in the pub you just need to tap into it. It has performed a counselling role for many years, hence why divorce rates have steadily increased.
Of course in your early days pub conversation is full of banter, quick witted piss taking and optimistic chat about the future, life, fun, shagging, cars and holidays.
Then as you become more experienced you will sit or stand with a group of men all night and literally talk shit for hours. Nobody will remember what you discussed over the course of the evening and when you get home your woman will ask, "what did you talk about?" - you will say with genuine pride 'I have no idea'. Good work fellas.
Never let a fact get in the way of a good conversation. All good pub talk is based on ignorance and ego. The best form is Bar room philosophy and be sure after a period of years to bore the arse off anyone who will listen to your views on life and the world. Be careful never to actually do anything about them but make sure you endlessly say 'I will do that tomorrow'. The art of good pub conversation is never to actually put any of it into action.
Hardened pub goers and drinkers will have exhausted any conversation over a period of years and will now drink in total silence for hours. A conversation for these is no more than 'the usual Shirley' or 'can you lend us a tenner'.
7 - Women
If you are looking to meet a girl. It's important to Impress her with how much booze you can handle. Ignore her all night and wait for her to come over to you. Behave like a proper twat and she is bound to notice how funny, larger than life and alpha you are. The fact she left long ago with her friends without noticing you just means she is playing hard to get. Do not be put off. There are plenty more fish in the sea.
If you are thinking of 'chatting up' a woman, it is essential to get 'well oiled' 1st. It is a well known fact that men are at least 80% funnier, cheekier, more direct & knowledgeable when drunk. You may also impress her by throwing down some shapes when a good song comes on. She will be putty in your hands when she sees how funny and out there you are. Of course getting the blend right is important. Go too far and all she will be thinking is 'twat'. Know your limits.
Beware though men, gender roles are changing. The highest rise in problem drinkers is in 16-30 female drinker. You will see packs of young girls hell bent on getting steaming, dressed head to toe in 'New Look' terrifying men up and down the country in pubs and absolutely rinsing them of self respect. It is a well know fact that most girls think blokes are total knob heads and girls on the piss are brutal in their dismantling of the Male psyche. Watch out boys and stay well clear of 'happy Hour' or any pubs that sell 'Wicked'. You may never recover.
8 - Closing Time
A sad part of any pub experience. Time to leave & face reality. If you've done a good shift closing time is not a choice but a necessity. Usually an 8 hour session will end in the words 'your barred'. If you've gone too far you will wake up in a police cell the next morning with no recollection of how you got there. It's time to accept responsibility and blame it 'on a dodgy pint'. Still at least it's another bullshit story to tell the other lads down the pub, unless of course you've been arrested for attacking them.
Last orders were usually called with the guvnor shouting something illegible like 'aint you got no 'omes to go to time please ladies & Gentlemen". Which you would hear as 'Ain you gt nhmzzzz toggg to time plze lazzzesss & gntnzzss".
If you are not ready for reality and the horrors of tomorrow. Simply get a takeout and continue the party (solo) in your living room. There is nothing like being a legend in your own living room. This is where all the best ideas are formed (and forgotten)
If you are really lucky, you will experience the ultimate in drinking. The right of passage for any man. As last orders pass, you may get to hear the immortal phrase 'lock in' and join the secret society of the very few and become part of the merry band of true brothers. Sadly Lock in's are now few and far between and if you are fortunate enough to have one - they are usually only to play Giant Jenga. Man up pubs.
9 - Health
The smoking ban has made pubs healthier places to visit. Nicotine stained walls are sadly a thing of the past. However it's not healthy for most old school pub drinkers. They have been relegated to Wetherspoons or the off licence. You can spot these by their mobility scooters parked outside. The modern pub has affected the health of this drinker badly. They are now free to slip into alcohol related ill health silently in the comfort of their own warden controlled flat rather than in full view of the pub. They do not have the safety of public drinking to slow them down. Modern Man should remember these poor souls who gave their life over to drinking. Tragic heroes who stayed true to their roots and brandy chasers.
10 - Future - Post Pub
So you've been through the stages of the pub. You've come out the other side. You've graduated and now have a normal life. You took the All Bar One route & got married. You visit the occasional pub for a drink with a mate, lunch or dinner with girlfriend/missus. You may even enjoy a pub quiz or occasional comedy night. The new pub is a meeting place. A 'lifestyle' experience. You walk in and say 'this is nice' 'look at those sofas'. This is the future. The pub is now an acceptable haven of soft furnishing. Like a Laura Ashley window display. You have accepted your role as a new man. You talk about your problems, you spend more time with your woman, you are a good dad, your priorities have changed. You rarely go out, you are a provider, a good man, a new man. You have a thin little beard and quite enjoy Top Gear.
Well boys just remember the next time you tuck in your kids, share a glass of Chardonnay with your wife, enjoy a Gourmet meal at the latest Gastro Pub with life long friends or listen to yet another girly boy with whispy beard and preppy hair sing a lame cover version on X Factor.
Remember those men who helped you get into that Gastro pub. They died for that Sofa. They dedicated their lives to completely wasting it, pissing it all away. Furnishing brewery's with their hard earned Disability Living Allowance and Housing Benefit so modern man could eat and drink in comfort of the Kings Head Pub & Dining House.
These tragic heroes. These men who understood little about women but made up that they did. These men who abandoned their responsibilities and dedicated themselves to the fruit machine, quiz machine, pool table, darts board & the bar. They Did so, so we could learn from them. So we could live a better life. So we could eat pistachios at £3 a pop. We owe them.
RIP Bloke from the Pub. You may have been a wasteful misogynist bull shitter but you were a real man. Whiny little fuck heads of today who sound like girls and attempt to get on Big Brother should take note. They were twice the man you'll ever be. Man up metrosexual man and Dial in it's time to get on the grid and learn the lessons from our elders. Which is basically do the opposite and you'll be alright my son.
The Nick Evans
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