A Man's Guide to Meeting Your Girlfriend's Parents for The First Time
You've just got into a relationship. You're happy. Everything is sweetness and light. The sun always seems to shine. Birds tweet optimistically. Traffic parts. Even annoying people seem less so. All is well with the world.
You date for a few weeks. Things go well. She doesn't seem to mind your annoying habits, She doesn't complain about you eating like a rabid dog, merely smiling sweetly at the food you get around your mouth rather than in it. She smiles sweetly when you don't listen and speak over her. She doesn't even seem to mind the little bits of pee you dribble on your trousers when you nip off for a quick 'piss' after dinner. YET. Sometimes she even lets you mount her, so the time is right to meet the parents. Clearly she's a keeper.
This is a marker in the sand for any new relationship. It moves it to the next level. Of course some relationships don't need parental approval. Clearly if you've just met in rehab and your new boyfriend is a crack addict and pimp then it may not be a good idea to rush excitedly home to mummy and gush undying love for your new found beau. Such relationships can provide awkward silences around the dinner table or crack pipe.
Likewise if you've fallen for an older married man with 3 kids or if you're a bloke and have fallen for the 'one' who happens to have 6 kids with 5 different fathers and lives on more benefits than a Jeremy Kyle audience do not expect gushing approval.
There are some relationships where the best time to introduce them to your new partner is at the wedding or visiting hours in her majesties jail. You will know the right time.
Getting together with the right person is difficult. Most parents (other than the weird ones who don't give a toss about their kids) worry their offspring will choose the right one. As I'm not a parent it is tough for me to identify, however it must be really worrying to see your child pick a complete moron you know is not right for them and hasn't got the brains they were born with. How can you tell your loved up kid they are dating a knobhead and the relationship is doomed to failure on the account their new partner is a total fuckhead?
I guess parents have to let their kids make their own mistakes. When you take the plunge and introduce your new love to your parents (or parent) it marks a sea change in the relationship. It's now getting official. Families are being introduced. You have moved well beyond being 'fuck buddies', through 'seeing each other' into the now 'going out' status and this, other than a Facebook status update of 'in a relationship' is the official stamp. Surely Facebook needs to provide more options though to it's status updates for the modern relationship - 'single' or 'in a relationship' is just too narrow.
It doesn't cater for people with commitment issues or the casual dater. It certainly doesn't suit the bullshitter who wants everyone to know he's still on the market but is keeping someone sweet just in case. 'In a fuckbuddy relationship but open to offers', or how about 'in a relationship but I'm a lying twat - inbox me!' or even 'Single - see my homepage. You'll know why - desperate'. Or the 'Would like to be in a relationship but have commitment issues but too scared to admit it to anyone so I will have to come up with a whole bunch of bollocks to make it seem acceptable that I'm a lying toad'. Or the female status 'Single Over 30 and clock ticking - PLEASE!!! I digress.
It's time to meet the parents. You can put it off no more. So settle back readers. Pour yourself a nice glass of milk. Kick off those laboutins or hush puppies and enjoy the Nick Evans Guide to meeting your partners parents. A Mans guide;
1 - Timing
Clearly as a man you don't want to hurry into anything. Despite constant hints let her do all the running on this. Do not dismiss it by any means but you can employ good old fashioned stalling tactics. Phrases such as 'I want us to do it when we're ready darling' and 'what's the hurry' can be useful. Never use other excuses like 'fuck that' or 'I can't meet then I'm busy playing snooker'. I suggest an appropriate time to wait before meeting the parents and seeing what your new partner will turn into when you see her mother should not be too early, but by the same token don't wait too long. 3 years is the average Man time to wait.
2 - Location
As a man you have no say in this. Obviously if you are loaded it is at a poncy restaurant which you will pay for in a vain attempt to impress the parents and buy their affections. Clearly they will see through your shallow and ultimately selfish actions and realise you are indeed a twat with a large flat. This will not work. You have to let her choose the location, venue and time. This is a big deal to her Men so you must support her, nurture her and make it as comfortable as possible for her. Therefore Gently suggest not to pick a Saturday or Sunday afternoon so it doesn't interfere with your sport however nobly say if she is going to pick this time ask her to choose somewhere with a Big Screen TV and Sky Sports. That way you are showing sensitivity and that you are thinking of her. She will definitely melt at your selfless actions and immediately give you a blozzer and bake you a cake. Guaranteed.
3 - Preparation
You want to be at your razor sharp best to make a good first impression so definitely drink heavily the night before. Your sparkling wit and humour as at it's best when slightly sizzled so make sure you have an all day session and really late night in advance. It's best to get to 10 or 11pm the previous night before tucking into the class A's. You know your too drunk and don't want to make a show of yourself and your new partner so in order to sober up for the next day and balance it out with a few lines of Peruvian's finest and perhaps some Ketamine. This will straighten you up. Once you get to 5am and the birds are singing you know you've over cooked it. That is when you face that cliffhanging decision. Rack up a few more and pull out an all nighter or try to grab some fit full sleep before walking into the unknown with the full tremors and chemical comedown. It's a tough choice. Either way you've fucked up and will spend the next 40 years being reminded of how much of a twat you really are.
4 - Gifts
It's always best to take gifts along to cushion the blow, soften them up and appear thoughtful and lovely. Most blokes will go for the safe option and pick something up from the Esso garage on the way. Here's a tip for you boys - A Ginsters Pasty for Dad and Tea Bags for Mum will not go down too well. Splash out a little, nobody likes a meany. These could be your future In Laws after all. Treat them. Buy some Oil & a Yorkie Bar for Dad, no synthetic shit though. Go for the Castrol GTX and some £2.99 carnations for Mum & a Galaxy. You can't fail then. They are bound to be bowled over.
5 - What to wear
Of course most men have the dress sense of a vagrant. Their idea of looking smart is taking off their dressing gown. You will have to up your game here Men. Obviously your woman will attempt to dress you. Dropping subtle hints all week in the lead up to it by pressing your shirts, asking if your suit is dry cleaned and buying you a tie. Ignore this. It is important you stamp your authority all over this one and show her you have style and can be decisive and thoughtful at important social occasions.
You have a number of looks you can rock. Obviously your favoured one is your natural habit called 'slob'. Dragging you out of your Tracksuit Bottoms or combats is like trying to get the US out of the middle East. Impossible. But for this occasion guys you will have to pull a gem out of the hat and go for gold.
Clearly a suit is too much, plus it's a weekend and nobody likes to wear a suit at the weekend. Only for weddings and then the jacket and tie comes off as soon as she's said 'I do'. No, for this occasion Men have to show they have made some effort whilst retaining some hint of informality and casual feel.
There is only one thing for it Men. You have to go with a Chino. It's inevitable to us all that at some point in our life we have to go Chino. It happens to us all at some stage and you know as soon as they go on, your coke snorting, hooker hiring, rock and roll days are over. Once you get in the chino and jumper combo, the one where your bird says 'you do look nice' - it's over. Kill yourself now. We have lost you forever.
6 - Punctuality
If you are meeting your girlfriend and parents at a venue or their house, it is important you turn up on time. Try not to stop into a boozer for a quick 'livener' on the way and turn up 2 hours late reeking of Stella. Punctuality is important on occasions like this. Remember Men this is a test of your responsibility so do not fuck up.
Being late is only acceptable under extreme circumstances or an act of God. Things such as Getting to the final of Fifa Soccer 2013 on the PS2 or a plague of locusts is acceptable. They will understand.
Alternatively if you are on your way and happen to bump into to Chas & Dave and they invite you for a pint, (as happened to a friend of mine) it would be criminal to turn them down. Rolling up 4 hours late slightly drunk singing 'you've got more Rabbit than Sainsbury's" is perfectly acceptable on this occasion. You can even take Chas & Dave with you for a real show stopper.
7 - Conversation
This is always a tricky one. Clearly you have to conform to the social situation and tailor your chat accordingly. You must come across as calm, knowledgeable, sensible and interesting. After all they are entrusting you with their daughter and you must prove she is in good hands.
Try to stay on safe ground initially with the father like what road directions you took to get there. This is safe 'Man talk'. Stick to the MAIN ROADS. Don't be too flashy and talk about back roads and short cuts you are just showing off then and NEVER EVER admit to using a Sat Nav. This will immediately put them off you. You must earn the fathers respect. Other Man subjects such as cars, Gardening, Sport, DIY, Booze & Top Gear are acceptable. Try not to veer into politics or extreme right wing views. This will result in argument and fighting with her father. Save that for the wedding day.
Immediately compliment the mother. Saying things like 'Now I know where your daughter gets her beauty'. This will earn you immediate charm points. Never ever say the truth that is in your head, when alarm bells are going off as you see the vision of your girlfriend in front of you in 30 years time. These thoughts are to remain firmly locked in your head. No matter how many pints you drink NEVER let them out.
Keep the conversation light and varied. let them do most of the work. Try not to crack too many inappropriate jokes, hog the conversation, talk about yourself too much or express sympathy for the EDL. Any admissions of severe alcohol or drug dependency is best kept to yourself at this point, as is any criminal record, past infidelities and issues with commitment. Save these for the 2nd meeting.
When you do excuse yourself from the dinner table for the loo, NEVER come back and say 'that was a monster, I'd leave it 10 minutes if I was you".
8 - 1st impressions & Etiquette
Remember these people could be in your life for the next 40 years so 1st impressions will help to form the relationship. Always look them in the eye, check you don't have piss stains on your chinos & try not to man handle their daughter. Tongue kissing is not advised at this point or any reference to your BDSM sado masochistic games you've recently got her into.
Instead be calm, quiet and do not in any circumstance suggest a round of Tequila chasers after lunch. It is advisable to switch your phone off, so you are not constantly checking it at the table, or if SKY Sports is on in the background try not to excuse yourself mid conversation to go and watch Rochdale v Doncaster in the Johnstones Paint Trophy regional Semi final. Sky Plus It.
Try to be present, accessible and respectful. Do not get drunk in any way unless of course her father is a hopeless alcoholic. In which case your on a winner as no matter how badly you behave you will always be in shadows.
Always be attentive to your girlfriend. Sit next to her, support her, put her at ease, hold her hand, laugh at her jokes but NEVER EVER try to finger her under the table. This is not the right time. At least wait until coffee.
Try to ask as many questions as possible of your girlfriends past, history, upbringing and glean as much information as possible so you can piece together why she's so neurotic and ultra touchy. This will come in handy in later arguments. Remember Men this is a reconnaissance mission. Use it wisely.
9 - Success or Failure
It is in Man's favour for the meeting to go well. If it does your are virtually guaranteed anal that evening. Do not fuck it up. If it goes badly you can kiss goodbye to any 'rough and tumble' for a few days/weeks and you will have to resort to the tried and tested old back copies of Heat Magazine. The pressure's on boys - you must deliver
10 - Your Future
If she breaks off the relationship you know it didn't go well. She wasn't right for you and you should immediately move in with Chas & Dave. On the other hand if it does go well and your relationship blooms, well done. You have clearly mastered the art of bullshit and they are yet to find you out for the selfish, self centred thoughtless slob you really are. Let that come out after several years of marriage. By that stage it will be too late. Well done Men you have passed with flying colours. Back to the Playstation 2. You can leave that creosoting the fence to your future Father in Law.
If you haven't yet met your girlfriend's parents, do the opposite of above and you will be fine. Do at least 2 of the above and you can kiss goodbye to her forever. Do all 10 and it is clear you will be single forever. Good luck men. Do your worst.
The End
The Nick Evans
Genius!
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