Honesty is a tricky subject for men. Most of us are born bull shitters. It's just we never like to admit it.
Honesty refers to a facet of moral character and connotes positive and virtuous attributes such as integrity, truthfulness and straightforwardness along with the absence of lying, cheating or theft.
Honesty is revered in many cultures and religions. Honesty means being truthful, trustworthy, loyal, fair and sincere. Not the most rock and roll of personal attributes nor are they fashionable but by Christ are they powerful when used.
Lets face it, we live in a dishonesty world. The truth is a rare commodity. Whether it be politicians saying what they think the public want to hear, major corporations moving corporation tax offshore, bankers and financial institutions hoodwinking us, companies advertising their products, scammers scamming us, junk mail junking us, Group on discounting us, image consultants moulding us or celebrities annoying us. It's all a bunch of bull shit. The scary thing is millions believe it. Or do we?
I usually write reasonably funny, slightly piss taking 'Guides to...Man stuff', listing 10 irreverent matters on a particular subject to make you (the reader) laugh and post good things about it. I like making you laugh. I like humour. I like people laughing at stuff I've written or said. It makes me feel good. Especially if I've created it. After all a narcissist's ego's need feeding right?
But this is not a funny guide (OK I will do a bit at the end then to try and make you cackle) - but I've recently woken up to the fact I've been dishonest for ages. Bullshitting myself & others without even knowing it. Or if I did know, I became so used to doing it I didn't know how to act any different. It became my friend. The norm. I lied to myself and I even started to believe it.
It took a radical act from someone close to me to shake me out of my coma and see the truth. The brutal truth about myself and I didn't like what I saw. Self serving, self centred, chronically selfish dishonesty wrapped up in what I thought 'being a nice guy'. I wasn't. Sure I did good things. I have a good heart. We all make mistakes. But constant deep rooted dishonest behaviour deeply hurt people. It made me think about my moral code, my integrity, my truthfulness both to others and myself. Was I being the best I can be? What had I learnt from my parents, my grandparents?
In my case my heroes. Father and eldest brother have been my Male role models. They were alcoholic lunatics. Build it up & smash it down, full of ego, charisma, bullshit and dishonesty. I so wanted to be like them. Not my quiet, hard working, diligent trustworthy, solid and honest Grandfather. I wanted the outlandish bull shitting. That's what caught my attention from an early age and I thought it was OK to be dishonest. Trouble is I had my Mother's genes too. Caring, sensitive, moralistic and good. I didn't like to let people down. I had a conscience - so there began a double life from an early age.
First example was trying to be one of the boys, leader of the pack. Full of cockiness and pride so I had respect when underneath I felt less than, needy and weak. That's dishonesty from an early age right there. The outside not matching the in. Progress into adulthood and you have chronic secret drinking away from the family, seedy behaviour and finally dishonest womanising over a long period of time. Is it honest to get someone to fall in love with you because you don't feel good enough yourself? That's a dishonest selfish act right there. See what I mean now?
Don't be thinking I'm being too hard on myself here or beating myself into a self pitying state. I'm not. I've seen the brutal truth about myself and I want to change.
I've recently made a commitment to try and be honest. I've had a spiritual and Karmic shift on this gear. It feels good. It's tough as sometimes telling the truth is scary and can hurt people, but over all it is for the best. Life is cleaner and clearer that way.
There are of course many layers of dishonesty. The nasty deep down and dirty dishonesty. Stalkers, criminals, paedophiles, rapists and fraudsters. Hell bent on lying, deceiving, cheating and lying for criminal & personal sick gain. We shall leave them be for this blog. Too much mess on that subject.
Then you have the mass corporate dishonesty of the capitalist world. Greed and everything that comes with chasing a pound note, monetising life. We are a market, a brand, a consumer. A saleable commodity and greed encourages dishonesty. Organisations & institutions will stop at nothing to make money.
Then there is the media dishonesty. Presenting an image rather than the truth. Reducing everything to a sound bite or instant image. Even creating news which is total fabrication - (Hillsborough, Leveson Enquiry anyone?)
This is followed by the personal dishonesty of yourself. Be it work, tax, relationships, sex and life. It's up to us if we choose to engage in that or not. We are not robots. We are human and make mistakes.
There is social media dishonesty of presenting a face to the world you want to be seen as, yet the truth is somewhat different. How many of us have looked at people's Facebook lives and thought 'you bastard, you look like you have an amazing life' or even amplified our own?
Then finally there is the self honesty. The real guts of the truth. What I talked about in my introduction. This is the one I am really interested in. Am I being true to myself.
Are you? To people in your life. To the world. This is often hidden and people can last for years fooling themselves or behaving in a certain way that is simply not their calling. I know this because I have done it for 39 years until recently. I'm only just discovering the layers of lies I have lived by, told myself and listened to for longer than I care to remember.
Example? Well, do you have days when your inner voice tells you, your not good enough, your no good, it's all over. They (whoever they are) are better? - Is this the truth? Who says? It's a form of self dishonesty that can last for years. It can hold you back. Affect your life so much without knowing it or being able to do something about it. Self dishonesty.
Consider yourself a good person? I know I did. Whilst doing good things for others but deep down I knew I was doing it to get rid of my guilt for other behaviours. Is that so selfless then? No it's deep rooted dishonesty and it's a real belter.
It's OK of course. Not dramatic. Nobody can see it. It doesn't make me a monster or terrible person. But it gnaws away at my soul causing unhappiness and pain. You act on that pain, make poor decisions thus affecting others. It's a ripple effect. A domino all born out of dishonesty. See where I'm going with this?
My point I guess is being true to yourself & uncovering layers of self honesty can have a massive impact on your life and those around you. It doesn't have to bring fame or fortune but it can lighten the load. Even if it's just making you smile more or feel better about yourself. It could of course help you with a job, starting a business, growing a family, making better decisions or having better esteem. It's not rocket science but it eluded me for years. I certainly don't have the answers but I'm starting to understand the solutions
Of course you must be careful with honesty. You have to filter it to suit society. If someone is a proper knob. Telling them publicly, out loud or on social media can cause a whole heap of trouble. Either through libel, stalking or getting your nose broken. Unless it's Simon Cowell, tread carefully.
If you're in a business meeting or interview it's not the socially acceptable thing to stop the meeting and confess openly your feelings of unease, discomfort and fear. This can cause embarrassing silences, loss of the deal or being sectioned. Instead I would say recognise it internally, acknowledge it and try not to break down in blubbering tears. It will be OK.
Honesty about a searing resentment towards someone is tricky. It's usually better to share it with another person rather than stabbing the one you have a resentment against in the eye with a battered sausage. Sometimes we have to be honest but tailor where we put it.
That's not to say it's not a good thing to tell people the truth about them. Sometimes it shows you love someone enough to want to try to help them if you see an area you think is a problem to them. It shows you really notice them. This is called an intervention, or in my case 'preaching bastard'.
This is where it can all go wrong. In my case the desire to tell the truth has often ended in offering advice on a range of subjects I'm not qualified, to someone who hasn't asked for said advice. This nearly always ends in tears, misery and long bouts of silence. Hopefully I will learn to be asked first one day before wading in at the deep end. I know I'm in trouble when I can feel my mouth going on it's own and the pointed finger is placed in the face of the poor person on the receiving end. When the phrase "What you need to do is....." comes out of the locker it's time to run for cover. It's like honesty tourettes sometimes. Dreadful.
I have always been honest with how I feel. It's how I operate. I'm dreadful at hiding my feelings. If I'm angry I go off like a fire cracker. If I'm excited I'm like Ken Barlow at a Scouts convention. If I'm hurt I go all moody and sulky (pretty much like all men) and so on. I wear my heart on my sleeve. If my feelings don't come out they fester and boil. This used to end in a mammoth drinking session & chaos. Now it ends with anger.
The flip side of the coin is suppression. Keeping the feelings all in. Letting them fester inside. This is a weird form of dishonesty. It's not for me to criticise as I've fucked up many times but I find this one of the most dangerous & under-rated forms of dishonesty. It's never seen by the outside world yet keeps the person in pain for ages. Restricts their life, their freedom, their sense of fun, their openness in relationships and can in some cases end up with it causing physical illness. The body cannot cope with such internal mental stress. It will collapse in some ways. All brought on by a sense of self dishonesty that people never see or are able to lock out of being locked in. It's painful to see & frustrating.
So why am I saying all this? Because I want people to be true to themselves. To break out of that locked in dishonesty I was in for so long. To be true to themselves. To be set free. To tell the truth about themselves. To connect with others like me and say 'it's OK to be a bit of a fuck up. We all are! Now move on'
So there we have it. Not many answers there I'm afraid other than to say it's been on my mind a lot and I had to say it. I've been so dishonest for so long it's good to come out of the closet so to speak and admit it. I hope it encourages you to do the same.
It's time for new beginnings and if I'm caught lying ever again I've totally fucked myself here haven't I? Nothing like someone droning on publicly about honesty and being truthful and then carrying on like a knob privately. Still if I do that, at least I can become a politician.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom."- Thomas Jefferson.
The Nick Evans
If some of you readers like things a bit lighter and funnier - Here is a little something for you;
The Nick Evans Mans Guide To Honesty - Girls take note.
Size
Men if asked how big you cock is. Simply subtract 2 inches from your waist and add it to your old chap. That way your entire body mass is technically correct. Just distributed more evenly. It's not being dishonest it's simple mathematics.
Image
Never let anyone see the real you. Simply post up pictures of random women, you in a bar, on holiday and in massive groups of people on Facebook. That way people will think you are man about town. Check you have put 20p in your electricity meter in your bedsit 1st in order to power up your laptop to peddle this lie on social media.
Sayings
To begin a sentence always use the term, 'To be honest with you'. Make sure you then follow this up with more shit than a sewage works. Nobody expects truth after starting with that phrase. It's a get out clause.
General Knowledge
Make sure you come across as fountain of all knowledge. Use the term 'I know' a lot. Of course you don't. But make sure you excuse yourself to the bathroom and google whatever is being discussed. It's important you come across as a know it all and have the solution for everything. If you don't know dismiss whatever is being discussed as 'bollocks'. Contempt prior to investigation is an important part of the dishonest male's armoury.
Women
It's perfectly normal to exaggerate your sexual conquests. Maximize this in male company so you come over as a cross between Warren Beatty & Casanova. Of course this works in the opposite way in female company. Minimize your history and be sure to say you haven't been truly satisfied yet. Be sure to gloss over the orgies, swinging parties and 22 year old nympho you dated last week. Having said that your failure to locate her clitoris and make her orgasm will highlight your lack of sexual expertise. Stick to spark plugs on a Ford Focus. You have more chance rummaging under that bonnet than hers.
Your Woman
It's important to tell her truth how your feeling. For instance 'Im horny' or 'Im hungry'. Once you have received the brush off retreat back to familiar silence.
When asked how she looks in a certain outfit this is when your new found honesty and when to employ it is tested. A simple 'lovely darling' will mean the above is far more likely. The real truth your thinking that she looks like 'James May in Drag' is best kept in your locker.
Diplomacy can increase your chances of getting fed and sucked off. Honesty will kill them dead.
Cheating
You cannot lie on this subject. Women just know. The one technique you can try to employ is the tried and tested 'best form of defence is attack'. When confronted with the truth try and bluster, shout, scream, wave your hands around and point out her bad points. If this fails play the self pity card and shed some tears of self. However we all know including you, you've fucked up badly and she will see through your pitiful attempts at dishonesty. man up, admit and immediately move out to a mates room in Harsleden. You have fucked up. Honesty will only come after you have realised the full extent of your selfish fuck up and you lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
Of course you could always try Monogamy gents. Just a suggestion, weird I know but well worth a go.
Drinking
If you are drunk and asked how many drinks you've had it's important you stick to 'a couple of pints'. This signifies sociability without going over the top. The fact you can barely stand doesn't mean anything. You drank on an empty stomach of course.
Underplay your drinking spree with 'I had to, they forced me to go to the pub'. Make sure you speak really slowly like you're learning to get over a stroke to reinforce the lie you're off your face. Finally when you have puked up, blame it on a 'dodgy kebab' not the 18 Jaeger bombs you sunk at closing time.
Arguing
Never admit your wrong. Never listen to her. Talk over her. Raise your voice. Be unreasonable and finally storm off to the pub. Make sure you've had a few pints and loosened up before texting her, "have you realised I was right yet?" Good luck sleeping rough.
Sport
A great one this. Make sure you endlessly talk as if you're a level 5 coach and former professional player. Rinse the entire game, pundit, fan, player, manager, coach who has ever played the game. Then when offered the chance to actually play in a kick a bout, feign injury and blame your 'dodgy back'. It's important never to show you have the sporting ability of a Saveloy.
Keep up the good work boys - hope you enjoyed
The Nick Evans
Twitter - @goanick
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