Friday 8th Jan 2016 - Committed to your 2016 Goals?

Committing To Your 2016 Goals

Hello 'Inside Jobbers'. Have you survived the first working week of 2016? How are you doing? Are you Feeling good? Happy it's the weekend? Kept up the 'new you'? Committed to your goals (I hate that turn of phrase don't you? So forced and clichéd, so I'm going to use it loads of times in this article)

Have you committed to your 2016 goals? Good, me neither.

Let's take solace in our collective failure and forget about all those super motivated shiny happy successful sods shall we? When I'm spiritually well I am pleased when people do well. I admire and respect them and think nice things. However, when I'm feeling crappy and haven't 'committed to my goals', those who have or are doing really well and are only too happy to share it, well there's no easy way of saying it. Can die. They proper fuck me off.

It's the most awful place to be trapped in your own bad habits, negativity or 'rut', only to see others doing what you would secretly like to do, sending you deeper into a spiral of self hatred and resentment against them. Well, that really is a deeply unspiritual, self destructive and let's be frank, really bloody comfortable.

You smile at them nicely and even send messages of congratulations via Facebook publicly so everyone will think you're so generous of spirit and kind, whilst really your head is thinking,

"That successful bastard. I hate them. Look at them committing to their goals and being all happy and successful and healthy and stuff. Bastards. I hope they get an injury and put on 12 stone and have to wear specially re-inforced Velcro trainers and elasticated waist shell-suits just like you have to now after the festive Gluttony. Bastards." Or something like that anyway.

God, you'd never share that publicly would you?

So, just for today, I take solace in those of you who haven't quite 'committed to your goals'. I'm with you today. Let's comfort eat together. Today you lot will be my Mars Bar, Ice cream, Victoria sponge, Battenberg and chips, with a pie on it and a kebab too.

If you are a regular reader of this anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) blog will get where I'm coming from. If you are new you may-be scratching your head and thinking, "what on earth is this knob-head on about?"

What is anti-motivation-motivation (AMM)? Well, it's a new self development technique I'm pioneering, It works in a similar way to reverse psychology, except it's less brainy. Tell someone they won't be able to do something (especially a stubborn, prideful, self centred alcoholic) and they'll bloody well go and do it. Purely out of spite. This is reverse psychology.

Anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) works in a similar way. Forget about all the top tips, powerful advice how to be a success and achieve your goals. This blog is all about spectacular failure to adhere to any healthy mental, physical and spiritual principals in the hope it will inspire you to go the other way and actually achieve them. Essentially it is about doing the opposite to what 'bad Nicky' thinks.

You may feel a huge sigh of relief as the cloud of identification envelops you making you think, 'thank god I'm not alone in being a total fruit-cake.' Identification is the crucial first ingredient of anti-motivation-motivation (AMM) We always feel SO much better when we realise other people do the same as us.

My coaching technique here is;

Do the opposite to what 'bad Nicky head' says and follow 'good Nicky head' and all will be fine. Then you really will be shiny and happy and 'commit to your goals'

According to research only 8% of us actually keep to our resolutions, or 'commit to our 2016 goals. That leaves 92% of us who either can't be arsed, don't believe in them or have such a spectacularly amazing life we can barely bring ourselves to take part in such pointless surveys.

So what on earth are those 8% doing? Are you one of them? Have you kept up your commitment to your goals? Are you following 'good Nicky' or 'bad Nicky'? Well, its obvious they are clearly doing 'good Nicky'.

But quite Frankly those 8% can bugger off today. I'm hanging with the 92% mob.

Feed me your failure. Make me feel better about myself. Yeah!!!!

• What's that? you haven't gone to the gym this week? Yes!!!! Right on brother. Get in.
• Say again? Louder, I can't hear you? Eaten a load of crap again this week and still on the dirty carbs? Great, me too, I'm proud of you keep it up until you have so much self disgust you need to change. Well done.
• Haven't drunk 3 litres of water a day like you said you would. Solid - who needs bloody water anyway?
• Clothes clinging around your back fat making you feel like a darts player? Love it, me too
• Haven't got up at 6am and run 20 miles a day? Thank Christ - nor me
• Haven't written the Pullitzer novel yet? Thank God for that, I've only just got off Netflix.

Let's jump on board the 92% train people. Don't tell me about how well you're doing today. Leave me be in my sea of self pity and self disgust. I'll join that 8% soon, but just for today I'm in with the in-crowd. Bad Nicky rules, just as long as he's not alone.

But you know what, tomorrow will be another story. I'll probably change my mind. Good Nicky will be back, or at least knocking on the door again jostling for position. Today I've given into the 92%, I've accepted it. Hell I've even embraced it.

Can I change the course of the past 24 hours? No. Can I change the course of the next 24 hours? Well, to some extent yes. But what I absolutely can affect the course of is right now. Here and now. I can totally affect that and I will. I'm going to have another slice of Battenberg and look up successful people on Facebook for inspiration.

One day I'll be that 8% and commit to my goals, Just after another Jam Tart.......

Love you all and have a tip top and tidy weekend

'Bad Nicky' A.M.M