Day 152 - Restored to Sanity.....for now

Quick entry today, I usually like a long slow build up with a frenzied end, but that's a different story.

Head's been rather busy. Lot's going on inside. The pressure cooker of the past month finally caught up with me. Radio Nick FM was in full stereo.

Only by getting to my regular men's meeting tonight did the noise switch off and sanity was restored........until the next time.

Non alcoholics will identify. We all get the inner voice and chatter. Questioning, thinking, plotting, reacting, judging.

But alcoholics/addicts/alanons will REALLY identify. When the body is weak, or illness has prevailed or when you are run down, busy, tired or just have had a shit load going on, when you are low in the tank of meetings  - These are the perfect conditions for the alcoholic mind to run away with itself and go on full throttle.

When I was a boy, around 10 years old, I remember my Father, a raging alcoholic, would have arguments in the back garden. He was alone. Having loud and animated discussions with imaginary people. Usually bosses from work and the discussions would always end in 'you fucking wankers'. Classic alcoholic. Full of resentment. It's why they tell us to 'let it go' in AA.

The only difference between me (in recovery) and him (Not) is that my arguments stay in my head. I get all the resentments, justifiable anger, pity, fear, worries, obsessions that most get, it's just with the mental side of alcoholism it is amplified ten times over. It can be incessant at times.

With so much life stuff going on, decisions to be made, emotional trauma of the past few weeks, I found myself trying to work everything out. A dangerous situation for alcoholics.

My head was cascading full of the past, the present and the future. I was trying to work things out. At one point I was skipping between running over the past 8 years of wasted opportunities, castigating myself for not being smart with money or taking my career more seriously, or trying to earn decent money, or taking responsibility in my life.

Then it hurtled forward several years trying to figure out if I would be able to earn enough to get married and have kids. Projecting not only my future but my imaginary wife, kids and family's too. Then I castigated myself for a lack of pension and planning. Then the self hatred tried to creep in. Once I got a handle on that I started making up conversations with people at work over situations that hadn't even happened yet. I was doing their thinking for them. The mind was in full flight form reality.

It's a weird form of insanity. Living in the past and creating people's reactions to perceived events that hadn't even happened. It's like mind reading but without the reading or the mind. It is almost always usually incorrect. But since when have facts and rational patient judgment got in the way of good old alcoholic set of resentments?

All this was going on and I was trying to think of a 4 year strategy for my job, figure out ways to do a sideline business, when to do a comedy night again and what to write today. It just went on and on.

At one point I honestly thought someone on the tube would tap me on the shoulder and say, "Excuse me but do you mind telling your brain to be quiet." It was noisy in there.

I carried on at work without anyone knowing of course. Doing my meetings, getting on with business. I have learnt to separate it these days. I am professional and even if the cracker factory was busy I ground out a decent day's work.

I had a great work meeting with someone I respect and was able to speak openly and freely. What a blessed relief. My month has been full of not being able to do that and it felt like breathing fresh air for the first time. Thank God.

Then I went to my regular Mens AA meeting, heard what I needed to hear, identified with other people who also grassed up their lunatic minds, shared mine and I felt calm again. Normal. Human. sanity restored.

Its odd. Sanity is restored by a room full of insane people all trying to get sane by being honest. There is no editing, not saying what the truth is or denying reality. It is open, honest and willing and I love that. When I get out of my way then life is OK. Thank God for AA. The spark is back.

It's hard trying to run the whole show and figure everything out. Especially when you haven't got a massive brain. I don't know why I try and do it so much. It nearly always end in some kind of short circuiting.

Anyway, fuck that. It's OK now. No damage done. No harm to others. No nuclear fall out. Just a loud day in the inside of my head. Big deal/ People are getting beheaded out there The middle East is at war. The world is going insane. Why on earth should my dull self induced madness hold any weight?

I feel guilty sharing it when there is so much 'big shit' going on. But you know what? If it stays in that cracker factory it will rot, fester, disease, multiply and grow until it becomes the sort of problem only self destruction will appeal. Then no amount of 'big shit' going on in the world will matter. That is how my lack of perspective originates.

That's why I share it

Together We Are Stronger

Nicholas E Evans