Peace Breaks Out....Finally and How a Child Nailed My Alcoholic Ego

How's your Monday been gang? Mine's been peaceful. Finally!

It's been a rocky time of illness and injury induced self centred misery. Lack of acceptance and alcoholic head running wild has made the past few weeks miserable.

I'm still suffering with this virus. The back is still excruciating. But today I woke up with a morsel of energy and a clearer head. Hooray!

I felt OK after a good reception to yesterday's blog. It was all over the news (the topic not my blog, sadly) and the piece I wrote seemed to stir much emotion in people. It was interesting that people who suffered other forms of trauma in their childhood, either through mental illness or other issues also connected with the blog. It made me feel good to create something that people liked and identified with.

The other thing that made me feel good was actually writing again. Being in self imposed misery/illness drains you of any desire to do anything. The negative energy is then in ascendancy. No writing. No creativity. No output. No fun.

This if course is pure ego. Many think Ego is walking around like Liam Gallagher and Danny Dyer with a self satisfied look on your face thinking you're the dogs bollocks. Well Ego is that of course.

But it also works in reverse. When you are locked in self. Anxiety, or self hatred, or self centred misery, or inertia, or comparing and despairing. That's pure Ego. It's just mixed with the low self esteem, negativity. I know. I've been there for weeks.

That's the deal sometimes. The problem with having an ego the size of a house is that sometimes it turns on you and tries to fuck you up. Today is the first time in ages I feel there's some distance from that and I can breath. It's beautiful to feel peaceful.

So what did I do differently today?

I woke up and had a good pray up. I read Step 3 in my AA book (if you're not in AA basically the premise is about handing your life to a higher power and getting the fuck out of your own ego and will - don't worry if you hate that or don't believe, but sometimes it's the only thing to shift this concrete Himalyan size ego thing that messes me up) and I basically made the decision to try and be mindful and employ the 12 step programme in my life today. Not in a weird, robotic, preachy way. Just quietly inside. After all The Nick Evans way wasn't working too well.

I went for a gentle walk by the river clocking up 9,000 steps. A change from running or mindlessly flicking through Facebook wishing I was someone else. I did a couple of hours work trying to source some income. Made a Nutri bullet full of goodness. Went to a potential work meeting, made some fresh food, went to an AA meeting and wrote this blog.

I took it easy on myself physically and mentally. I'm not well and I just have to take it easy. Yes I wish I hadn't smoked any cigarettes which isn't great for my chest and throat. But I'm mentally peaceful and i'll take that one today. All in all, a decent day and the ego is under control. Just. The Trick is to try and maintain the momentum day by day!

So, how did a child totally see through me today and sum up my massive head and huge ego?

Well there was a little girl with her mum in a meeting I went to. I loved this, seeing as yesterday in the media all the talk was about 2.5 million children suffering with parents with alcoholism in the UK. I listened to endless phone ins from people still drinking or grown up kids who's lives had been affected by alcoholic parents when they were young. Nobody talked of it as a disease. No-one mentioned recovery or 12 step fellowships (Don't get me started on that rant. It's anonymous not invisible and the fucking answer!!!) and here was a mum getting sober and her little 9 year old was drawing happily in the meeting. These two have a different future if she stays sober and in AA. What a heart-warming scene it was.

Anyway, she came over to me and said' 'Hello'. 'Hello' I replied. What's your name? "XXX" she replied (anonymity). "Can I draw you?" she asked. "Yes of course my darling". I replied. "But make sure you do a good job."

She set to work. Tongue hanging out the side of her mouth. Glancing several times. No doubt to get the angle of the quiff right.  After 10 minutes I said, "Have you finished yet?" She shook her head. "Nearly." Wow. She was a craftswoman this little girl. She changed pencils. Different colours. Her face a picture of study and perfection.

Finally she put down her pencils, went over to her Mum and showed her the masterpiece. Her Mum looked round, nodded at me and smiled. In fact she laughed. Not just a small laugh. But a massive snort. Like a Pig. The whole meeting looked round. It was a genuine show stopper.

My brow perspired a little. I felt the countdown theme tune, desperate to have a glance at her portrait of TNE. "Why did she laugh? Am I that ridiculous? Has she drawn a massive cock on me or something? Surely not. She's 9 for gods sake." Finally she came over, "Here you are Nick. I hope you like it." I said, 'Thank you my darling" and laid it out in front of me.

Oh my God, I thought. How can a 9 year old who doesn't even know me get it so right? She totally nailed me. Better than any artist. She saw right through my quiff, hairspray, bullshit and bluster and with 9 year old X Ray vision saw the real TNE with his huge head and massive ego. The girl is a genius and totally owned me. I salute you 9 year old girl. You made me day.

Here's her work. I love it and hope you do too.....alcoholic ego's of the world unite. (PS - Today's Daily Reflections reading was about laughing at yourself and not taking yourself too seriously. Funny how this happened today isn't it? God working through people? Especially a 9 year old one. Nice one Big G)

Love you all

TNE

xx

What it means to be an adult child of an alcoholic...

Last week was The Children of Alcoholics week (COA), It's aim, to increase awareness for children who are affected by parental alcohol problems and the support available.

1 in 5 children are currently living with a parent who has alcohol problems. It is a family disease and the long term affects are hidden and profound on the child. It is a silent problem and not something usually explored in society. The week was all about raising awareness and here's my piece about it.

As a an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) and a product of an alcoholic dysfunctional home, I wanted to write from first hand experience in the hope it gives both an insight and understanding as to the long term affects. If you are like me and a product of one, or even someone in recovery and suffered from alcoholism or addiction and have kids who witnessed it, this maybe helpful.

Firstly a disclaimer. Most of us have had some kind of trauma growing up. This piece is not designed to 'own' trauma more than others. Many people have suffered physical and sexual abuse as a child, or even lost their parents at an early age. Some have gone through divorce or been victims of neglect.

All of these of course are awful and have long term affects. However I know many people who have suffered such trauma and gone on to have fantastic lives.  Either through 'getting on with it', or working through issues. So this piece is not designed to be 'my life is worse than yours' or even 'children of alcoholics have it worse'. It's merely stating the facts of what it does to a young person and the long term affects in adulthood.

I don't speak for everyone of course, because every individual is different. I speak for myself. I know many people who are products of alcoholic homes who have not suffered in adult life. We are all different and I guess some of us are more sensitive to such long term effects than others. The best thing, in my opinion is not to deny it but to accept it as a 'thing', so we can do something about it.

I was 3rd son of 3. The baby of the tribe. My Mother was/is the best and most caring teak strong welsh maternal, caring matriarch you could wish for. Nurturing with the biggest heart. We were all 'darlings' and encouraged to express our feelings. She was always caring and a tremendous source of love and strength. There wasn't anything she wouldn't have done for her children. We were loved and lucky. A 5ft 2 (and a half) ball of Welsh energy and superhuman will. She, without knowing, was also an Alanon waiting to happen.

My father, was a 6ft 2 charismatic Welsh legend. Mike Evans. The big I Am. Funny, clever, generous, sociable, hugely charismatic, larger than life, funny and likeable. Like a welsh Jack Regan in my eyes. He was my hero growing up. Piercing eyes, huge gut, big beard and a Ford Granada Estate. God I loved that man. 'what a true man' I thought. He seemed about 12 ft tall and I wanted to be like him. (the feelings of not matching up to being a real man were already in place then)

He was also a raging alcoholic. An absolute stormer of one. Textbook rip roaring drunk.Nobody knew that of course, but over the years, the funny, charismatic and ultra-talented man turned into a monster controlled by Tenants Super and Whisky and was reduced to a terrifying violent and hopeless drunk who dominated the family for many years and finally left it to become a street drunk winding up dead at 65 years old, alone.

The early years were great. Fond memories of family outings & occasions, we were loved. It all seemed normal like most other families I knew. I was younger than my brothers, but my oldest brother, (again my hero) copped it the most from him. I was the sportsman so by all accounts his 'favourite'.

Then it began to change. My father would come home drunk a bit, then if I'm really honest most of the family occasions were instigated by my mother. Looking back, even when I thought everything was Ok he had begun his descent into the disease. He would argue with people who didn't exist, have conversations with imaginary people, always ending in the sentence 'you fucking wankers' and began to smell, look menacing (which I know now to be all his secret drinking) and he his mood would turn. I became edgy and scared of him. The house was then dominated by the mood of one man. The alcoholic. (See why it's a family disease now?)

I now know this to be the stages of alcoholism. The resentment, the self pity, the self centerdness. He became someone you had to walk on egg-shells around. The whole atmosphere began to change. There were fewer family outings and everything we did seemed to be with my Mother. He was there but wasn't there if that makes any sense. His mere presence menacing.

And then it really got messy. We moved house (as I learnt he drank the family house away and we had to move) and there followed 2 years of heavy alcoholism, madness and domestic abuse. Police were called, he attacked my Mum and brother several times, and any semblance of normality went out of the window.

He would drive me to football with 4 tins of Tenants Super on the floor and a can between his legs, sipping away saying 'don't tell your mother'. It was 9.30am. He was gone by that stage. To be fair though he still managed to criticise my performance even though he didn't actually see it. Thanks Dad!

The whole atmosphere was menacing, fear based and chaotic. This became normality. All the while life went on as normal. I went to school, had cricket trials, played football, hung out with friends (they would never come round though) - but you could never tell anyone what was going on at home. The knock on effect (and this is where the alanon comes in) was what it had to my ego. I hated normal kids at chool. I thought I was above them, because of the madness at home, when they had a simple normal balanced life. I felt superior to them with a secret hatred but chronic self pity and low self esteem at my position and who I was. The dice was cast. My own alcoholic huge ego and low self esteem combined with being a child of the alcoholic home had warped my brain and thinking from an early age. It's still something I struggle with now.

Then after yet another violent episode the police were called, (back then domestic violence wasn't even on the radar) The Police asked my Mum if he could sleep in the Garage, even though he had just tried to kill her! He left and I remember looking out of my window, I was 12 and crying that my poor Dad had left. My hero had gone. I can't remember ever feeling that sad and crying uncontrollably.

By then he had taken to living in his car, or doss houses - on one occasion me and my two brothers went to the Salvation Army to ask him to stop drinking and plead for him to get well. He didn't or more to the point couldn't. He was sick.

Over the next year I saw him infrequently. We had to move and hide our address from him. He would turn up drunk at my school, or where I worked and menacingly demand to see me. It was embarrassing and frightening. But I took it all in my stride. It was normal living after all. Standard for a child of an alcoholic.

Finally he left for good. We didn't know where he had gone and had no contact. I was suddenly fatherless, even though he had long since stopped becoming a regular father. It happened in stages, just like the stages of alcoholism and it just became my Mother and I. I was 15.

At 15 you want to start drinking, going out, getting girls. I had two older brothers, one of which was sensible and couldn't wait to get away and find a stable girlfriend and family unit which he used to replace the one he didn't have with us, then I had the oldest brother, who was essentially Dad Mark 2, an alcoholic, manic depressive artist, charismatic, funny and my hero. He fucked off when I was young too and made sporadic appearances. Both my male role models. Both alcoholics. Both of whom I was desperate for approval from both left me and thus created a huge feeling of need and insecurity inside. Welcome to adolescence Nicholas!! They were my heroes and I felt like a little boy not matching up to them.

It also creates a huge imbalance in the family unit. You lose the male side of the family and my mother tried to carry on as normal, being the father and mother when really you cannot. She had her own things going on and incredibly managed to drag us up, provide and through exceptional will and energy carry on, but you cannot hide the damage it caused.

Essentially I was left with me at 15, trying to be the big I AM in school and amongst my friends, a loving sensitive youngest son at my poor Mum who had done everything to keep a roof over my head and feed me, and a 15 year old trying to grow up and be a 'man'.

If I look back, I was all over the place and had no idea who to be, what to do or where to go. I just pieced things together the best I could.

"Don't turn out like your father", would be the mantra I got from my Mum when I started to drink. No chance I thought, he was a proper alcoholic. Little did I know that I had that gene raging inside me and was soon to turn to black out drinking and drugs from the age of 18.

Growing up in an alcoholic home was both confusing and thrilling. Chaos and drama became the norm and quite frankly I was bored when there wasn't any. Same to this day.

I also felt above my friends as they seemed to have normal dull lives, but underneath I felt terrible less than and jealous towards them. It makes you feel isolated and alone.

Then this fuelled the real dangerous poison in me. Self-pity. God I felt so sorry for myself that I had endured such hardship and lost my father. This combined with a spikey 'fuck you' arrogance became my standard feeling I took around with me for years and still have to this day.

Being a child of an alcoholic fucks you up. There's no two ways about it. It creates confusion and disharmony and affects your  adult life. How? Does anyone recognise these traits at all?

• Inability to form lasting relationships for the fear of being abandoned? I could write a whole chapter on this as the litany of former girlfriends who have all fallen in love with me only to be rejected due to my chronic deep rooted fear of commitment will no doubt testify.
• Addicted to Compulsive/Disfunctional relationships/people - Settle down with a lovely, stable, loving, nurturing girl or go out with alcoholic, coke addict who is chronically co-dependant needy and sexually attractive? Do I really need to ask - let's go mental!!
• Comfortable more in chaos than calm - Being brought up in chaos makes you think it's normal. Calm and normal therefore become boring and dull. Give me a bit of chaos otherwise I may have to sit with uncomfortable feelings. Fuck that!
• Low Self Esteem and High Ego - Being abandoned by an alcoholic parent tends to make you feel you're a piece of shit deep down. Yes your mother may say she loves you but if your father and hero leaves you then it makes you feel worthless and like something is wrong with you deep down. But NEVER ever admit that unless it's to girls to show your vulnerability and help them fall in love with you more so you feel safe and wanted only of course to let them down because you are chronically afraid of commitment. See above for details. Standard fayre for child of an alcoholic.
• Dishonesty - leading a double life in formative years. Chaos at home, fine to the outside world. Or covering up your true feelings to one parent who is still around doing their best to bring you up even though you want to rebel. Effectively means living a double life and 'compartmentalising' emotions is normal and lying, deceit, covering up but with a good heart becomes normal patterns of behaviour. Tricky to have long term relationships with this shit going on.
• Self Criticism  and cynical - If you feel like a piece of shit, it's pretty normal to criticise yourself if you don't particularly love yourself. And why would you love yourself if the one hero in your life has left you? Standard for child of alcoholic. Plus you are cynical for the rest of the world because everything will fuck up somewhere down the line, right?
• Self sabotage - Closely aligned with above. If you hate yourself then you will stop at nothing to sabotage good stuff. Job, relationship, health, happiness. Whatever it takes to fuck up feeling good is a popular long term affect and one of my specialities.
• Victim Mode - another belter this one. Not only do you feed it but you seek other's to perpetuate it too. People who have been in your life for too long and won;t feed that bullshit story anymore have to go and be replaced by new people who show you nothing but pity and buy into the victim story. This has to go because it is hugely destructive and boring to the rest of the world. Nobody likes a victim.
• Other addictions - Er, yes of course. Where do I sign up? Another staple diet. Like father like son. Or even some less glamourous addictions like food, sugar, sex, love - anything to fix those pesky feelings huh kids?
• Finally seeking approval and attention - God this is engrained. I will go anywhere to anyone to get approval and attention. Like a puppy needing to be patted. I hide it but I am a shameless attention seeker and this all stems from being the child of an alcoholic. Hero abandoned you? seeking love? God yes please and I will stop at nothing to get it.

Not all people have these of course and there are many more. But that gives you a flavour of the long term affects. I am comfortable with them today and they are getting better. Time takes time to work through things. It's better to accept them and admit they are there than deny it and pretend it doesn't exist.

My style is to make friends with them, poke fun at them, accept them. If sometimes I act in them and indulge then so be it. It doesn't make me a bad person but it's better to have awareness around them then at least you can do something about them.

yes sometimes I still feel this chronic sadness and self pity hampers me. I watched Warrior the other day and the scene when Nick Nolte (Pop), the father of Tommy (Tom Hardy) gets drunk after 3 years sober and Tommy holds him and puts him to bed made me howl. Tears of years of sadness and self pity crashing down. It's not gone or even fixed but it's getting better.

Point is, it doesn't have to disable your life. It doesn't have to be awful and you don't have to pretend they don't exist. But you DO have to do something about them not to use then as an excuse, absolve yourself from responsibility and sit in the problem forever. There is a way out.

It doesn't make them any worse than other people's shit. We all have issues. But it does mean that hopefully you will identify if you are like me. If you have a family member with alcohol problems there are ways you can help them. We didn't have any information back then, it is different now.

So that's my monster piece. Thank you for reading. Feel free to share or comment. If you want some help or information there are a couple of websites below which will give you information and I love you very much.

To be honest I'll love you anyway because as an adult child of an alcoholic I am desperate to please, so I'm probably a love and sex addict. Here's a tip for you girls. Get an adult child of an alcoholic as a lover as we absolute insist on being the best lover and giving you tons of orgasms to mask our chronic low self esteem. Funny how we can self esteem in the weirdest places. Even if it's only temporary.

So how can it be treated? Well firstly i cannot recommend 12 step fellowships highly enough. Alanon for families of alcoholics, AA for alcoholics and Adult children of Alcoholics and Alateen for children of alcoholics. Al will help to discover the true nature of the disease, how it manifests, our reactions to it and how we all have a part to play. They also offer ongoing support how to live with it and recover one day at a time. The amount of understanding and self awareness they give about addiction as a disease, a family illness far outweighs any other treatment in my experience.

It has given me far more self awareness, knowledge and understanding of this and something the world of therapy seems to miss. Humour. And the ability to laugh at yourself whilst swallowing large amounts of difficult behavioural patterns. We all have our journey. But try it if you haven't. It may change your life.

PS - I don't blame my Dad or parents and wouldn't change anything for the world. We are all a products of our experience and it's what makes us all fabulously unique and magnificent bastards.

http://www.coaweek.org/about/

Love you very much now I just have to try and love myself. Something children of alcoholics struggle with very much.

Feel free to share this piece and help educate the world - it is a thing, a disease and it can be lived with and de-stigmatised!

Nicholas Evans

TNE

February Blues - Being Ill and the Lower Self

I'm alive!!!

As you may have noticed, the blog has been put on hold for a few weeks. Sorry. I've not been too well. In fact I'm still not.

We're talking 3 bouts of flu, 1 bout of noro-virus, multiple chest infections, recently suspected sinistitus, one annular tear in L4 and a bulging L5 onto the sciatic nerve. Ouch!

Yes, in short. I'm fucked. Have been fucked and it's still ongoing. Writing has been low down on my list of "to-do's", in fact living has been pretty low down at certain points.

I thought the low point was the day I slept on the bathroom floor when 'The Noro' hit, Jesus Christ, It was Like a liquid torpedo both ends. I honestly felt I was dying.

I remember alternating between sitting on the toilet and putting my head over the shit stained bowl to puke, I had to constantly switch over so both ends emptied the poison within. Timing was everything. Trouble is you get disorientated, it's dangerous. You can easily find yourself shitting up the wall as you puke in the bowl. Luckily I managed to avert this crisis but several times I came close.

The Noro is horrific. It's like you've downed a pint of nuclear waste or something. You are total poison. Your guts rumble with radioactive waste, your arse is on fire. you feel like you've got dysentery and you puke with such force you think you're bringing up your entire brain. Bulimia has nothing on the Noro.

As I laid on the bathroom floor, drool hanging from my mouth, puke stains down my top and shit splash on my arse (Am I getting you wet now girls?) I was thinking; "please God, end it now". Dark times indeed.

But that wasn't the lowest point. Oh no. God had a better plan for me. He gave me another chest infection and sinistus. Immediately after the Noro, for the 3rd time in 6 weeks. The Lowest point? No, not at all. He waited for me to digest that information before pushing a new surprise..........Torn disc, sciatica and a back spasm, so I couldn't move! Brilliant. Hooray! Yeah baby!

Thanks God. Nice one. Anything else whilst you're at it?  Apparently the force of puking was so ferocious it tore a disc and sent it into huge spasm. Awesome

As you may have guessed, The self pity and intolerance has been huge.

Not only did I shit myself 3 days earlier, but thanks to a fucked back I'm now walking like I actually have shit myself. What kind of fucking show is this the old omnipitence is running for fucks sake?

I've barely moved for 6 weeks - My social life is Netflix. I actually count the cast of Suits, Sons of Anarchy and Californication as my mates now.

To cure the boredom and misery I occassionally binge on sugary foods to cheer myself up. But they just make me fat, which feeds into my body dismorphia and makes me feel even more miserable. Double fuck,

I can't smoke much because my chest is bad and it hurts. What on earth can I do now?

I can't exercise to make my body look amazing or clear my mind, so that avenue is broken.

I can't face writing or doing videos  as I have no brain and i'm too miserable for comedy gold, so I can't get attention on social media or even forge my life to look amazing and happy. Triple fuck.

I feel so rough I've lost my sex drive so I can't even chase women and be promiscuous to provide me with a temporary sticking plaster to my chronic low self esteem. lack of fuck.

Working or teaching has been nigh on impossible (oh did I say I lost 2 jobs in 6 weeks aswell?) so my bank balance is decreasing and I'm getting fearful of the future.

Everyone on Facebook or Instagram seems to be doing amazingly or launching business, having fabulous times or suffering stress from their high powered jobs.

Friends or people I know have all grown up and made investments and secured their future and are having kids and doing life and proper getting on with shit.

And I have just been laying on my sofa getting through each day going slowly madder and madder and retreating more and more into my mad, alcoholic, lower self, self sabotaging unhelpful sick head.

I have come off a distinct second best. Fuck and fuck again.

So, all in all 2017 and Jan/Feb has been a pile of shit so far.

But why?

Is it my lifestyle? Is it the smoking? The processed food? The artificial sweetener from the Diet Coke addiction? Is it the years of late nights? Of pushing the body to the limit? Is it the years of bulimia in the past? Is my body  mal-nourished? Do I need to change everything? Is it my fault? Or am I just unlucky it's all come at once ? Is it a message from God saying 'you need to change Nicholas' - "but I'm not that unhealthy? Am I?

What about people with long term illness or injury? How do they cope? I mean I've been in chronic pain with the back for 4 weeks now and ill for around 8 and I am about ready to commit homicide or suicide so fuck knows what it must be life to live a lifetime of it. Incredible. My heart & respect goes out to them.

I am prone to bouts of introspection, self pity and wallowing. It's almost as if my bad head, lower self, my disease wants to keep me in it. It's nearly always on me in normal life. But if you add illness and injury my defences weaken and it's on me like a rash.

My lower self is out to get me. Keen to feed my self sabotaging ways. To help me press the self destruct button. Eat shit, guzzle coke, smoke fags, binge on sugar, don't phone that person, stay in, keep alone. Procrastinate, put off new things, fear up, worry, anger, shout, destruct, reject. All lower forces. Negative behaviours and influences I battle with daily.

And when all my traditional 'fixes' are off limits or not able to work anymore where the hell do I go then? I guess that's what the Inside Job is about, and maybe this is a painful way to find out....

But I know it will pass. I know I am lucky really and that my head is telling my lies. I know deep down that it will all come good and I know that I am OK really.

I got out of the habit of writing and it's like anything, if you stop you lose the skill. It requires practise and discipline, so just for today I am doing something I don't want to do just for exercise. I'm writing a blog. My head is critical about it. It's screaming out, 'what a shit blog'. "You've got nothing to say', but that's Nicholas 1 - 0 lower self head and I'm happy about nudging the last minute winner.

Stay cool TNE will return fighting fit soon

The Nick Evans

xx

How to Find your motivation for 2017..

How are you doing? It's been AGES. Over a week in fact. What's going on with you? Are you well? Are you OK? How's the head doing? Calm and collected or radio Maniac FM?

We're into our 3rd week of January now. The business end of the month. When resolutions fall away, (if they haven't done so already) or desired new habits remain elusive.

Of course you may not have any 2017 goals/resolutions. That's cool.  However I suspect, you'll probably have some kind of  plan/want/desire in 2017, even if it's an ongoing life one. If you haven't got any plans at all and just take things day by day. You're either stoned, a poet or student. If you're the latter you're probably the former too. Far out I say. Peace and shit.

However, if, like me you do have goals for 2017, how committed to them are you? What is motivating you to achieve them? Have you even started?

This came from a motivation day I delivered yesterday with a law firm on health, wellness, goal setting and motivation for 2017. (Yes I really do Corporate Motivation and Wellness and stuff. Incredible huh?)

I did it with a health coach and PT who doesn't do goals. Instead she has general life intentions but not yearly resolutions as it stresses her out. Instead she prefers to build in things to her every day life so not to induce too much pressure (Probably because she's a nightmare perfectionist and would want the world conquered by Thursday 17th Feb thank you very much.)

I, on the other hand am surrounded by lists, to-do's and goals for 2017. I rarely do them, but they're up never-the-less. This is odd, because I'm such a non-planner, non focused, serious goal setting type of bloke. I generally look upon the whole motivational speaking, NLP coaching, goal setting, visualisation goal setters as Satan's little helpers. I hate being that focused and goal orientated. It feels forced and mechanical. A little part of my creative beatnik dies when I see a goal setting vision board.

Having said that, I can totally understand how practicing that way of thinking and living can provide good returns and success. After-all if we don't know what we want how can we find a way to get there? I have things I'd like to do. But it's not a straight jacketed shopping list of things to achieve so I feel a success.

We all have different ways of living. Some plan and plot goals, Others, like me, are more loose as a goose and rely more on instinct.

But what is more effective?

That depends on what side of the fence you sit. After spending a day with 40 normal people yesterday, everyone had a goal for the year. They ranged from losing 3 stone, to getting better arms for a wedding (bride not groom), Visiting a new place to learning a language. Most were fitness or health goals and centred around getting healthier.

What interested me is WHY they had those and what would motivate them to do it.

I estimate 1/4 of them would achieve their goals, 1/4 would probably, 1/4 would fall short but not care (the floaters) and 1/4 had already failed by the end of the day and would have no chance.

The 1/4 who already failed weren't prepared to change their routine or mind-set. Instead they wanted us to solve it for them. They wanted someone else to do the work without them having to change or do anything. This is an immediate fail and was a surprisingly popular attitude. (I share this sometimes)

Stated intentions or goals that are specific and achievable are easier to accomplish. Instead most people who had vague notions of losing 2 stone already had an army of negative responses to any suggestions to change lifestyle habits. They had a closed mind-set.

Who wants to lose weight? Tone up? Get fit? Become healthier? Lot's of people. Trouble is - it involves doing shit. That's the horrific thought sometimes. That's where you need a real WHY and open mind.

Our message was simple. Take it easy. Make small changes. Don't do too much but do it anyway. Ask for help, surround yourself with can do people. Don't listen to the inner negative head and be open minded.

The main thing is to find your WHY. Why do it? I need to stop smoking, drinking DC and look after my health. But I'm not at the moment and I have to ask myself why? Because I am not motivated enough to have the WHY. I just hope my WHY doesn't become because otherwise you'll die. When faced with that realisation most will do what's needed (though some don't of course)

I know people who are so self motivated it's scary. Others who find it in their kids, families, health or a higher power. We all need a purpose and reason to exist and do things. The trick is finding the ones that work for you in the pursuit of what you want to do with your life and year.

Personally, my motivation in the past has been to look amazing in a lycra tri-suit. I can try and dress up all my endurance Ironman events all I want as testing my mind, strength and proving to myself I can do things I didn't think I can. But if I'm being really honest, it's because when I was fat in early sobriety, 15 years ago, I saw an image of an Ironman on the cover of a health magazine, looking ripped, strong, muscular and focused. He had a tri-suit on and I thought, "Fuck me, I bet he doesn't have any fear, problems, is totally sorted and nails everything that moves."

So, I decided I wanted to look like that and do Ironman and be amazing, strong, focused, lean and like a James Bond/Jason Bourne style legend (from Hounslow in Lycra). And I did. It took a while, but I looked amazing in a tri-suit, got muscles, ripped, lean and did nail everything that moved. I did Ironman triathlons, but found I was still me under the bonnet. Still full of fear, doubt and insecurity. Fuck!!

I found that my motivation to concentrate on the outside meant the inside was still the same.

But you know what. I did 3 ironman triathlons, 8 marathons, had loads of experiences, got modelling jobs and TV adverts because of the looks and hundreds of incredible sexual experiences, My insane self seeking ego was nourished many times by my shallow pursuit of looking amazing and I enjoyed myself along the way. In fact. I had a ball!

That's the terrible truth. Ego based, lightweight, vanity based narcissitic shallow looks based motivation. ( Sounds like the cast of Celebrity Big Brother.) Got me through all that. I wouldn't recommend it to people as a form of motivation but you know, whatever gets you through sometimes....

Now I have learnt more about real motivation. Deep rooted motivation. It can be whatever you want. Big or small. Shallow or deep. Your WHY is yours. Not for someone else to tell you WHY. It's for you and deeply personal.

The trick is finding that WHY. That's why we need hand holding and a little help sometimes. If you know then well done. If you haven't. Don't stress. Just try this for 2 minutes tonight.

Think of something that made you feel good that was a direct result of your action. Not an outside factor. But because of YOU

Really focus on it for 2 minutes. WHY did it make you feel good? End the 2 mins with thinking of yourself as a MASSIVE FUCKING LEGEND (MFK)

I Guarantee at the end of that 2 mins you'll know more about yourself than the start of the article.

Self awareness is so fucking cool sometimes. I love it

And you

Nicholas Edward Evans

Monday's Day In the Life of a Self Sabotaging Unhealthy Addict

Today was 2017 - part two.

Here's a little snapshot into my Monday and head throughout the day. What I battle with on a daily basis. Namely myself. This healthy plan is unconventional. It is based around being marginally less unhealthy than yesterday.

6am - Alarm goes off. Intentions to wake up and go to a 7.30am spin class this morning made an early alarm necessary. Retune for 7am, go back to sleep. Nuts.

7am - Wake up. Out of bed. Stiff body (Insert cheap joke here) Back sore. Cough loads. Man Flu gone. Small victory. Just the rest of unhealthiness now.

Downstairs. Water x2, tea, vitamins. Sit in chair. Read AA literature (after scrolling through Facebook for 20 mins). Put off doing anything.

7.30 - Contemplate 20 Min HIIT home workout. Have another tea and 1 silk cut. Contemplate more. 1 tea, x1 silk cut.

8am - HIIT workout. Heating up. Swimming trunks on. 1 minute into 1st drill. Pull muscle in weak lower back. Swear loads. Inner misery that I'm falling apart. Curse my luck. Carry on. Get a sweat on. Fuck it. Carry on as normal.

8.30am - water, vitamin C, cup of tea (no silk cut)

8.40am - Run to river, up Richmond Hill and back home. 40 mins. Good pace. Enjoy run, head clears. Good intentions. Think to self. "I can give up the DC and smokes and live healthily. I don't need them."

9.30am - Back home. Water, vitamin C, Tea and silk cut. (No diet coke)

Stretch (just a little mind) - 5 mins
Shower - 5 mins
Quiff + Hairdryer + Hairspray - 15 mins

10am - drive to work. 8 mins. Now this is the time when I like to drink DC and smoke. I associate this with driving (and stopping, resting, relaxing) -

10.01am Tell myself. "You don't need it. Drive to work. Easy." -

10.02am - Stop at Garage. 20 silk cut and 2 diet cokes for £2. Fuck.
Smoke 1 and sip drink on way to work.

10.08am - Arrive at work.

10.30am - Hear news. Immediately slip into terrific catastrophisation and end of the world scenario in 25 secs. Go outside to smoke 2 silk cut and panic. Finish 2nd diet coke. Nuts.

11.00am - Catastrophe averted. Carry on as normal

Day passes with x1 more Diet Coke and x4 silk cuts. 1 on way to a meeting and one on the way back. No lunch.

Work completed with a good heart and in humour.

5.30pm - Raining. 5 minute drive to pick up a newcomer. 1 silk cut.

5.40pm - wait for newcomer - 1 silk cut

6.05pm - wait in car for rain to stop with newcomer - we each have a silk cut.

6.11pm -  walk 500 yards to the meeting. I offer him a smoke, "no thinks I can't have 2 in the row." - Part of me thinks. Goodl ad well done, I should take that attitude' and another part of me thinks 'fucking pussy call yourself a smoker' - bad I know.

6.15pm - Meeting of my little fellowship. Hate most of it, spending time with arms folded, judging and having a conversation in my head I was trying to win.

Meeting was good in the end

8pm - drop off newcomer. Smoke 1 silk cut

8.30pm - Asda - buy fruit and processed meat so I don't have to cook. Although another argument in my head to cook and actually eat fresh produce. 1 silk cut to think over.

8.31pm - Buy broccoli, eggs, spinach and fruit. (the healthy cooker head one)

8.32pm - Buy Liver Sausage - fuck you healthy Nick you wanker.

9.32pm - Eat liver sausage. Consider not doing anything else and sitting on sofa on phone, watching Netflix munching on crap.

9.33pm - write blog (1 San Pellegrino)

10.03pm - Spinach omelette and cheese with broccoli

11.03pm - Shaven Asians Series 1-8 -

04.00am - Bed (once you start you can't stop)

(last one was a joke)

All in all not the healthiest days but in the scheme of things certainly better than previous days. My head and habits don't want to change. They want to put shit off, make excuses or place obstacles in the way. When you have an entity trying to sabotage you it becomes a game of chess. I feel today I am winning.

Stats of the Day
Steps - 15,672
Distance - 7miles
Calories Burned - 3,142
Active Minutes - 62
Silk Cut - 15
Diet Coke (550ML) - 3
Water  - 2 Litres
Swear words - 123 - Mostly 'fucks' with one 'cunt'
Packs Gum - 3


We go again tomorrow. 6 hours in the car which will be tough on body and DC/fag/gum trinity. Still - one day at a time right people?

Love you long Time

Nicholas Edward Evans

2017 - Shall we Start Again?

7pm Sunday night. Awful isn't it?

Remember as a kid? You had to have a bath, eat dinner, do your homework and shudder at the week ahead at school? The only thing on TV was Songs of Praise or Heartbeat? You prayed for Spitting Image at 10pm then it really was suicide 30 mins later. The end of the weekend. Fuck!

Or in adulthood, it's that back to work tomorrow feeling. Especially if you have a job you don't like. Sunday night is like a slow death march. No amount of dodgy period dramas or reality TV can mask the dreaded onslaught of a new working week.

It's even worse if you take a glimpse at social media feeds of the fitness coaches and lifestyle gurus who are busy 'prepping' their meals for the week ahead ('like a boss' - yuk). Like they've some form of military check list they're going through ready to pounce up and 'ave' the week ahead at 5am tomorrow. Wankers!

Those fuckers are so motivated, prepared, planned and ready to take on the world it makes you feel sick. As you doze off your mammoth lunch and mentally run through your underwhelming week ahead, they have already cooked Thursday's mid afternoon snack and are busy finding a window on Friday AM for a power meeting about a new boot camp or Hashtag craze. Cunts.

Some of us are more content with a simple plan;

Monday - wake up, drink coffee. Wait for Friday to come. Keep breathing.

Don't think I'm bastardising plans by the way. I'm not. I may joke or seem like I hate on the entire self help and fitness industry. After-all it's much easier to do that and criticise and stay safely in  low motivation unhealthy ways than embrace new ones. Pre-planning is good. Having an idea of what you want to do, helpful.

Which brings me to this week. Week 2 of 2017. Traditionally a much harder week than week 1. Week 1 is like virgin snow. All prestine and fresh. But week 2 the fresh snow is piss stained and turning to mush. Much harder to motivate yourself then isn't it?

So how can you wade through this piss stained snow in week 2?

How has your start to 2017 been? Have you given it a fair stab? Carried on as if nothing has happened and as normal? Tried to change things up or work towards a goal?

If like me, you've been poorly (Did I tell you I've had the man flu for over a week now? - I know you're bored of hearing about it) Week 1 would have been a total write off.

Well, there is only one thing for it. Forget about it. It's gone It's passed. We can't get the time back. In fact, fuck it. Leave it go. Let's change our attitude about 2017 and last week shall we?

Week 2 is where it's at. Let's start again. Fuck week 1. Everyone knows it's a piece of shit. Like an unwanted guest. A creepy neighbour you have to invite to the party to keep the peace. The green one in Quality Street. Week 1 is a wanker and everyone knows it. Fuck him. (week 1 is a he, I've decided)

Week 2 on the other hand. What a legend. He's magnificent. Great big bouffant hair, resplendent attire, deep voice, packing double figures in his pants. Week 2 pisses all over week 1. Cuckolding week 1's missus. Week 2 delivers multiple orgasms in his sleep whilst week 1 forlornly tries to raise his flaccid cock. Fuck week 1 he is history. Week 2 is taking over now boys and girls, so let's climb on the coiffered train.

Who's with me? Who's with week 2? As we bound along in his open top sports car, driving gloves clasping the wheel, with his beautifully trimmed moustache and cravat flapping in the breeze. Let us laugh and sing and dance to week 2's soundtrack (obviously Chris Rea and ACDC) and fucking do this 2017 thing. (Again) - Bring on week 2 and I will not take No for answer. Hurrah!

Nicholas Edward Evans

Altering the Perception from dark to light - Lower self v Higher self.

Time is short today. It's 3pm. I have a flight to catch to Glasgow to help MC a friend's 60th birthday tomorrow. So I'll be brief (unnatural to me)

Today is about altering your attitude.

If, like me, you struggle with your head and attitude. I have a great solution. Say thank you.

I know it sounds wanky. But it really works.

As you may know i'm proper self obsessed and think about myself often. I'm also terminally lazy, instantly wanting to cancel plans to sit indoors, especially when it's cold. I'm also pretty unhealthy. Having a self sabotage streak so strong it makes me want to eat badly, or not at all, smoke tons, drink Diet coke, not sleep and essentially put off any kind of life plans and make me feel shit. I just hide it well beneath a rapidly decreasing 6 pack.

In essence a large part of me. My disease, my lower self or my devil, call it what you will, wants me dead, unhappy, alone or fucked up.

That's what i'm against. Not all will identify of course, but it's my truth. This always has an adverse reaction to my attitude, so I come from a position of 'fuck you', rather than 'how can I help you." My lower self is my default setting rather than my sunnier more optimistic higher self.

My mind is always on a collision course to argue and wrestle against anything that is healthy, always looking for a way out. Like a rebellious teenager. In a meeting, for example, I rarely go in with an open mind and positive attitude. Instead the arms are crossed and I hate everyone. Within 10 or 50 mins after hearing about the solution or other people talking about spiritual practices I thaw out and my mind is adjusted to 'this is good I am lucky', from 'this is dreadful I hate you'. The higher self takes over from the lower self when exposed to more healthy spiritual practices.

So, how can I do that in normal life? On my own? Changing your perception is an action that has to be practiced. It rarely just happens organically in my experience. Open mindedness, willingness and honesty are required. You have to be prepared to try.

So, take today. I don't want to go to Glasgow. I want to stay in rest, watch movies and try to help this never ending flu to go. Of course I can also use this as a great excuse to indulge in isolation and sloth and retreat into self.

I can also go, reluctantly though, without spirit, fun or enjoyment, but not showing anyone that but knowing inside how i feel. I can of course, change my attitude.

Here's a guy who has invited lots of people up to Glasgow to spend his birthday with him in a beautiful castle. It's been planned for months and he's asked me to come and also MC and be there.

Instead of buying into my initial polluted lower self thoughts, how about I buy into my second higher self ones? I am honoured to be asked, to make someone's birthday special and just be happy to be there. Which is better?

How about I say 'thank you' for asking and be grateful in my attitude. Suddenly my brow decreases and my grouch departs. That's a much lighter way to live.

Some of you have that automatically. After all we are all different people. Some more optimistic than others for example. I'm most certainly in the 'oh for fucks sake' camp, so I have to work hard to alter my attitude, shift my thinking so I become a normal human being having a human experience.

That shift is sometimes the hardest of all. From negative to positive can be a real challenge.

But we can do it people. If I can anyone can. I just can't guarantee how long it will last. I maybe singing a different tune after a 6pm EasyJet flight to Glasgow from Gatwick.

Lord help me and forgive me if I sin several times in the next few hours. Could be very funny as his blog about altered attitudes and gratitude is read out in court as he fights 4 charges of GBH against an EasyJet employee and the passenger in the seat next to him. Lower self will be flicking the V's then won't he?

It maybe as simple as repeating "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." 25,000 times until higher self wins. Whatever happens let's try and have fun along the way.

Have a great weekend troops - I'm back with the blog on Sunday

Nicholas Edward Evans

xx