Stop Smoking and Start life - how the hell did that happen?

I'm 44 years old, 15 years sober, 5 days smoke free and life has just begun. How the hell did that happen? And what does it mean?

Don't worry, I'm not going to turn into one of those sanctimonious reformed smoker/drinker health freak type wankers and preach the importance of kale.

I just can't quite work out what happened and why I feel so utterly different from the last time I wrote my blog. It's like day and night. I had no idea how much I was in the darkness until now.

What happened? Well on Weds I became smoke free for the 1st time since I was 18. I became so utterly sick of being sick. Unable to breath properly, pain in my chest, coughing up junk, permanent chest problems and a virus for ages. Finally I had enough and asked someone to help me stop.

I didn't think they could of course and deep down I suspected I would smoke again afterwards. I wanted to stop for health reasons but wanted to continue for life reasons. How could I live without it????
What I really wanted is to be healthy and smoke? Apparently it doesn't work that way. Bastards!!

So I went to a hypnotherapist (a bloody good one) who specialises in helping people stop smoking. He was in recovery too and I really liked and we got on well. He had a great sense of humour. I felt good with him.

In short, we did the whole process, he put me under and during it, released the attachment to smoking and unleash my true self and not put off life anymore. (He did loads of great stuff but I cant go into that all now)

Essentially at the end it was about 'Being the Best I've Ever been in 2017" - the fags were crushed, I was a non smoker, just like 17 years old before I smoked. The breathing exercises were recommended and off I went as a non smoker thinking 'This is a bit odd'.

What was interesting during the hypnosis was the strong destructive will (inner voice) trying to bastardise what he was saying. Helpful terms like 'you'll smoke after this, don't listen, you need a fag to drink tea" - True Gremlins and blockages to my health. It was strong within me but after a while I went beyond them.

I'm under no illusion I am up against my own lower self which wants me unhappy, unhealthy, addicted to smokes, drinking and all kinds if unhelpful shit. It wants me dead or at the very least unhappy and miserable. I have to accept it exists and move beyond that destructive force with the assistance of everything I've picked up in recovery in the last 15 years and other things I've learnt (especially on Weds)

This week I have been smoke free for the first time in 26 years. I feel Upbeat, optimistic, happy. I have felt free and like my eyes are open for the first time. I know what a pink cloud looks like in AA when people stop drinking and suddenly everything is 'amazing'. So i'm taking it one day at a time. But isn't everything Amazing!

It is as if I have a 'new pair of glasses'. I live in the same place, wear the same slightly too tight jeans and my cowboy boots need resoling. I probably place too much emphasis on the female form and I am still a recovering alcoholic needing regular attendance at AA. I still have other habits and attachments to help me through the day. I am not cured. I am not healed. I am not preaching.

But I AM healthy. I am present. I am excited by the future and I am in with a decent shout of doing what i'm meant to do in this life. I am Passionate in helping others get out of their darkness into the light. Why? Because I've been there for so long and didn't know how to get out of it, even though I kept saying I wanted to. In the end just for now I have and you know what. It's pretty bloody cool out here. Not half as bad as I thought it would be.

Keep at it if you're struggling. If you're one of the happy ones who feels good a lot of the time. Why did I wait so long? It's hard to hear people upbeat when you're miserable but as long as you don't look or speak down to people when you're feeling good I think it can be allowed. We must be authentic no matter what.

After all the human experience is about the good times as-well as the bad right? I don't have more money, I haven't landed anything amazing, my material life hasn't changed - but I feel so much richer and fulfilled and comfortable with myself this week.

The smoking stopped and I feel I've woken up to life and I'm still not sure how it happened though I get the feeling the higher power was throwing some subtle shapes behind the scenes to make it happen. Crafty sod!

Either way I'm very grateful and now about to turn into one of those wankers I hated when I first came to AA. All happy and shit. Yuk, Pass the sick bucket! TNE is feeling good! That will be ultimate irony, if I really do become one of those wankers and enjoy it. You know what, that doesn't sound such a bad gig after-all. Bring it on!!!

You are all magnificent bastards

Love you very much

TNE
xx

Message me if you want help in the giving up department or anything else. itsevo@hotmail.com