The Nick Evans Guide to Negative Thinking and Low Self Esteem

Have you ever suffered from negative thinking and low self esteem? I do. Not much of course. Only around 2-20 hours a day for 40 years. It's a little like an annoying friend. The sort of friend you hate but are familiar with and no matter how many times you try to shake them off they always come back. Either that or nasty haemorrhoids.

Everyone, even the most confident, suffer from self doubt and fear occasionally. We all do right? It's a natural human emotion. No different from joy, laughter, arousal, fear, worry or anxiety. Of course some people seem never to have it. Looking to the outside world to have the ultimate confidence and 'rule book for life', like they know exactly what they are doing and where they belong. Some describe these type of people as confident, focused or single minded. I like to describe them as bastards.

We wouldn't be humans unless we experienced a full range of emotions. It's what makes us alive. Invertebrates don't have a brain, or a mind and therefore do not experience emotions, feelings and thoughts. These can usually be found queuing up for tickets to watch Britain's Got Talent, or working in Aldi.

We humans have a brain that is as complicated as a flat pack wardrobe from Ikea. Millions of neurons and motor functions all working overtime to produce our movement, smell, senses, perceptions, information, behaviour, speech, feelings and emotions. Essentially we are all the same yet totally different. Varying personalities, characters and people. Most of us share a common cause in living daily on this planet, some to lesser or greater degree. What makes us unique is the DNA, chromosome and genetic structure that goes into making us unique, yet sharing a human experience.

So why do some of us who walk this earth suffer from such negative thinking and low self esteem? Is it a genetic imbalance? Is it a perception imbalance? Is it learned behaviour from an early age? God knows - I'll leave that one to the boffins. All that I know is that I have had it for as long as I can remember and it's a proper cunt.

So what is it? Of course a healthy dose of fear or worry is normal. I mean if your faced with a tiger on the loose it's natural to be scared. By the same token we all suffer from a little 'compare and despair' as envy, jealousy and fear just show we are human. We love to feel a little better than the next person, or a little worse. It's not healthy as I operate at my best when accepting of everything and myself and just get on with things.

But what happens when that head kicks in? People who suffer from low self esteem or negative thinking will know & understand.

The brain is such a powerful weapon. One not to be underestimated. You maybe experiencing something truly great, or just feeling OK, when that head will kick in and from nowhere the voice will come over the loud speaker in your head and say 'it maybe OK now but it won't last and your still a piece of shit'. Fucking hell, thanks for that head. Your a real help.

Sometimes the head won't shut up. It's Like a permanent Radio Shit FM playing inside. Classic tracks such as 'not good enough' or 'it will all go wrong', 'they are better than you', 'you'll never amount to anything' play on a constant loop with the current chart topper , 'might as well give up' played the most.

Radio Shit FM is dreadful, worse than Heart FM. Even the DJ's  are ultra annoying. It's like having Dermott O'Leary live rent free in my head. Still at least DLT has been arrested for noncing so that's one less problem.

The Breakfast show on Radio Shit FM  wakes you up nice & early with a couple of blinding tracks. 'Oh god not another day' and 'what will go wrong'. This sets you up nicely for a feared up, negative day. Of course you do everything in your power to prevent this. There are certain techniques you can employ to reduce the noise. Morning meditation, prayer, exercise, positive affirmations, ultra hard smoking or in some cases Tequila. Unfortunately Radio Shit FM has an answer for these playing the track 'oh fuck it why bother'. If your lucky these techniques may work but when the fear is on you, they are generally short term fixes and by mid morning FEAR FM is back on full blast.

The lunchtime spot is usually reserved for the subtle annoying tracks such as 'mild fear and paranoia' or the beautifully arranged 'loser'. Subtle and gentle negative tracks that chip away at your day.

By the afternoon, you may have got on with work, either in your office or at home. Of course it is always better to work with lots of people so you can't have the radio on. But if you work on your own, at home, in a small environment or if you don't work at all, the radio is generally on half blast. Tracks such as 'your going to lose this job and run out of money' or 'what you do is bollocks' waft over the airwaves. The only thing to do in that instance is take solace in Pot Noodles. Alternatively speak to someone and tell them about the radio. Trouble is nobody generally wants to hear someone moan down the phone so us British like to just bottle it up and soldier on alone in uncomfortable negativity.

One thing you should never do is turn the radio off and flip on daytime TV. 'A place in the sun' or 'Escape to the country' or worse still 'Vanessa' will undoubtedly get you reaching for the Vodka and Aspirin. So it is best to stick to the wireless. Better the devil you know.

Drive time on Radio Shit FM is a joy. Usually wittering on with some mundane low level negative chatter interrupted with stellar tracks like 'you've nothing planned tonight that's how shit your life is'. In those instances it is usually best to do something.

Some like to go to AA meetings, some to the gym, home to the family or in most cases to the pub/home for a night of heavy drinking. This of course is a double edged sword. It will undoubtedly get rid of the noise for a while. Even temporarily make you feel good enough, or even better than everyone else plus optimistic and relaxed as you drain more alcohol. However the Radio is just waiting to return even more savagely at a later date. This technique is just delaying the inevitable. Not advisable. I should know I did it for 12 years. For those of you who want to really go for it just add drugs. A stimulant such as Cocaine will heighten the feeling of being too good and amazing. However the crushing Shit FM will return even louder. Watch out.

The evening show is a heady mix of 'I wonder what my ex is doing' and 'I bet she's found someone better'. Always good to mix in a bit of blinding jealousy and obsession whilst comparing yourself to someone else and coming off 3rd best. This is standard fayre to the negative thinker. For those of you who really have a bad head a few minutes doing this is just not enough. In order to get yourself in a really dark space your head craves you have to sharpen that obsession for around 6-8 hours. By that stage your head will be satisfied with your complete lack of perspective and you will be nicely hyper ventilating and on the verge of a panic attack. Radio Shit FM has done it's job then and is ready for the night shift.

The Night shift is of course the money shot. The loudest part of Radio Shit FM. It's relentless and loud and naturally forces you to suffer from insomnia and stay up all night. This is where it really fucks you up. The middle of the night is when the head really cuts loose. Tracks such as 'you really are useless', 'everyone else has a better life than you', 'why do I deserve this?' and the 3am favourite 'kill yourself'.

These are of course mixed with the late night phone ins - Radio Shit FM loves you to have multiple voices after all. Then there are the other special Night Shift features such as 'Action replay', where it constantly replays bad incidents from your life over and over again. Then a new feature is added, usually at 4am called 'Social Media'. This is a new edition over the past few years, where they guide you through people's Facebook, Twitter or web pages so you can see how good a life they are having, how an ex is better off with someone else or how bollocks your life is compared to yours.

By this stage Radio Shit FM has got you exactly where it wants you. Of course you can try many things to prevent it or fill up that low self esteem. (none of which work) These include;

• Drink and drugs (short term fix long term destruction and desolation)
• binge eating (short term fix but long term obesity causing more self hatred but the Pringles taste good)
• Pacing around (good for Obesity bad for your carpet)
• Pornography (Potential RSI of the wrist and ultimately ends in dissatisfaction)
• Endless one night stands or twisted sex (satisfies that need to be desired and self destruct - but is tricky to find constantly and ultimately soul destroying)
• Gambling (just very dodgy ground and best to avoid)
• Love (Big subject - I don't love me so if you do I'll be OK. Wrong! Doomed to end in failure)
• Relationships (as above, a very common one this - surely hooking someone in will fill that need in you and make you feel enough? - Yes in short term but placing too much importance in another person will ultimately drain them of any feeling for you and force them to reject you making you feel alone, unhappy and even worse long term.Radio Shit FM will come back worse than ever)
• Outside affirmation (Can be received in many ways - From 'Likes' on Facebook updates, compliment fishing from strangers, members of the opposite sex, appearance or prestige. Ultimately worthless this one. yes of course it's great to get recognised for something good or looking good but if the reason you do those things is for a pat on the back it's just not going to satisfy you. Works for around 2 minutes then you go back to feeling shit again. Next!)
• Power, prestige and money (Not something I have experience of but very common. Easy to feel good about yourself if you earn fuck loads, have a massively important job or are defined by your career. This may work for years but ultimately if you're a piece of shit inside it won't fix it)
• Material goods (Love this. Surely loads of clothes, cars, gadgets and cool stuff will make me feel good? For a few days or hours yes but then it soon wears off. What then? If you are defined by what you own and how you feel the world outside perceives you then you really are a shallow cunt and a piece of shit. Either sell everything or kill yourself)
• Fitness (a tricky one this. Of course being healthy and looking good is commendable. Doing physical goals or tasks can help with motivation self esteem and make you feel good about yourself but if you are doing them to run away from yourself, your head and your feelings it will only make you feel OK for a short while, the process of training will help you avoid your head for a few weeks or months but it will come back. Can be boiled down to running away from yourself - 2 Ironmans and 9 Marathons can testify to this. I know my onions)
• DVD box sets - (A great way to lose yourself and weeks of your life. I hate me so I'll make that box set my family for a while. Again nowt wrong with enjoying something but if you watch back to back series one after the other for 72 hours straight your avoiding life and the head is just waiting until the final episode before it says 'All finished - I'm back again you cunt!!!')
• Group sex and swinging (sounds good doesn't it? Well it isn't. Ultimately soul destroying and dull. Like a cheese and wine party with PVC. Avoid)
• Medication (advisable if doc prescribes it and you have more than just a negative head - like depression or bi polar. seek medical help and don't feel weak for taking it. I know people who's lives depends on it, just don't let a mate or you prescribe yourself.)
• Positive affirmations (Advised by counsellors in the past. Look in the mirror and say I love you' you are good enough. OK in principal but in practice you feel a proper knob and Radio Shit FM just comes on loud and drowns it out with 'No your not your a cunt'. Not for everyone)

These are just some of the techniques you can employ to overcome low self esteem. I have tried nearly all of them and I can safely say none of them work long term. Some work short term more powerfully than others. But you have to go through this experience for yourselves before getting to the bottom of the list. Before you are so utterly desperate and ready to try anything you do the one thing you always said to yourself you would never do. The one thing you just know will not work. You finally give up and turn to;

• Prayer/God/Faith (Oh God, surely not. Your kidding me right? You know the worst thing about prayer? It's the last thing on the list. The final throw of the dice. When you have exhausted all the other things. Sending up a few prayers to something you don't know exists isn't going to work is it? Well everything else doesn't so why the hell not. May as well give it a go. Guess what. It does work. Maybe not immediately. Maybe not in a direct way you can see. But the annoying thing about prayer, God, Faith, no matter what in, is that the fucking thing does work. It maybe through someone coming into your life to help you (Eskimo) or through a change of mindset or circumstance. Whatever it maybe faith and prayer can certainly help to nourish you inside and change your thinking.

After a life long battle against low self esteem and negative thinking. I still have my bad days. My head is still out to get me. It still wants me separate, feeling less than, giving up, avoiding, not doing the things I want, should or could. It wants me alone. It wants me negative. It wants me miserable. It is a destructive force.

Is it because of messages when I was a kid? Is it because of a dysfunctional childhood? Is it because I'm an alcoholic? Is it because of circumstance?

The answer is who knows. Does it really matter? I know many people with awful childhoods who do not have this head. Alcoholism is an inside job so I know that doesn't help. But I know people who are not alcoholics who have this head. So I guess it's just the way it is. I was born with blue eyes just as I was born with a dodgy head. There is no point running away from it, trying to find out why, bemoaning it.

No, I think the best thing to do is accept it. Shrug it off, say it's there, lots of people have it. Be honest and open about it. Write about it and learn to try and live with it and employ certain things in my life to help it.

Good diet, rest, positive actions, exercise, social life, interests, spiritual connection and thirst for learning all help. Isolation, sloth, drink, drugs and all the other things above I listed do not. It is easy when you are in it to want to self destruct and not look after yourself. After all if you hate yourself so much why on earth would you do good things for yourself or others? It's logical.

So I do not blame or criticise people for their behaviours if they are in it. It's just something some people have. Ultimately though you have to put in some action to arrest it. Change it. Alter it's course. That may take a few hours or days but ultimately it's the only option and it can work.

I have spent 40 years pursuing outside things to fill up the large empty black hole of self hatred and low self esteem. I've been looking in all the wrong places. All along it was inside. It was in me, in a faith. In a higher power. For me it's not in a religious sense. Nor am I being all preachy and wanky here. Just that in my experience in the last couple of weeks I have been thinking long and hard about my head, my patterns of behaviour and what I do because of how I am. It's come as a massive shock. Those who don't know me wouldn't know anything about all this. Even the ones who do rarely know what goes on deep inside.

I hide it well but trust me deep inside is a soul sickness that's so utterly powerful it rules my life and determines my behaviour. It's deep, it's subtle and people can go for years undetected - but it's that low level unhappiness, dissatisfaction and esteem can work. It makes you do behaviours that cause ultimate unhappiness. It's just that some of us hide them better than others and never show the outside world.

This may not last for long and Radio Shit FM may be back tonight or tomorrow and I am sure it will dog me for the rest of my days but just for today it's abated. It's turned off. There is a new noise in town and that's one of openness and light. I can't explain it. I'm not sure what it is. I'm scared it will go and to feel good enough on the inside is a new feeling. Is this nonsense? Will it go? Am I just fooling myself? Don't worry the head is still murmuring and ready to pounce but for now it's locked away like a little gimp in a cage and shan't be let out today.

An American Psychologist William James once wrote something that makes sense to me now. He wrote;

"A man has to be physically, mentally and spiritually crushed until he can take on new ideals. Once he has been placed in that position it is easier to employ new principles. To be crushed is not the end. It is the beginning".

The crushing does not have to be dramatic. A rock bottom in any type of behaviour doesn't have to be the worst dramatic thing. I had so many when I was drinking. Arrests, hospitalisations, fights, arguments, dramas. Yet it wasn't the big thing that brought me down it was just a realisation one day that I was fucked & didn't want to do that anymore.

I have learnt in the last 2 weeks that you can have a rock bottom in other areas of your life. In emotions, Inside. In your head. It doesn't have to be big and bold and dramatic. Just small little pebbles of understanding dropping. Ultimately it's just sometimes you have enough of being the way you are and want to change it. I have been praying for years for a change and it feels that way at the moment. I really hope I'm not tempting fate here and making myself look an idiot and setting myself up for a fall. But right here, right now. Today this is how I feel and I hope it continues.

I love everyone who has a dodgy head. We're all in it together brothers and sisters. You are not alone.

The Nick Evans