There is only 2 things worse than Man Flu. Death & Loose Women.
It is well known in the medical profession that when bacteria from the flu virus infiltrates male chromosomes and genetic DNA structures it mutates 1000% times stronger than in women into some kind of super flu. It is the flu equivalent of Arnold Swazcheneger on steroids. In extreme cases it even makes you sound like him (illegible)
Clearly as a man I don't like to moan or make a fuss of being ill. (cue loud laughs from women)However there are certain protocols as a man you are simply expected to follow. One of these is being a massive baby and complaining like fuck that you are poorly. The other of course is carrying on as if you are mortally wounded like a martyr, in the forlorn hope that everyone in your wake will stand aside and bellow, "aaarrrgggghhhh, you poor little thing you."
Of course Man carries on with the awful Man Flu symptoms for a few days until he can take no more. It is imperative he immediately takes himself off to A&E for a check up. It is crucial that Man receives a male doctor & understands he is in the grips of a deadly illness and shouldn't take any risks.
The doctor (male of course) at this point usually prescribes tons of lemsip, a week on the sofa and 'Escape to the Country' on constant loop. He will explain that Man Flu is a deadly virus that is rarely understood (usually by women) and that it is to be taken seriously.
Of course Man doesn't usually need a doctor to diagnose anything. Man is perfectly capable of doing that himself. After all, several episodes of Holby City & Casualty means Man is qualified to make all kinds of medical prognosis. Man will of course forget previous mistakes. Like being convinced I had a double hernia which turned out to be wind. Even the best get it wrong.
Man is (self) diagnosed with Man Flu. This results in even less energy than before and a freedom pass to do absolutely fuck all for a few days. Some women will argue that their Men do that all the time, but we leave that debate for Marriage Guidance. Man, particularly ones with children, secretly long for Man Flu as at heart Man is a lazy bastard. Some even stand in the cold whilst rubbing themselves with ice cream to get it. Man Cold doesn't come to all though. It is only contactable to a select few. Men such as Maggie Thatcher were immune
Of course everyone has to know about it. Man must explain to everyone how bad he feels to receive the necessary sympathy levels. When man has bled everyone dry of care & patience, he takes to social media to receive the attention from his secondary social circle. Sympathy and pity is of course a major part of the recovery process. Without this Man Flu can literally drag on for weeks.
If social media doesn't deliver the required levels, Man is not fussy where he gets sympathy from and will take to calling up 'Loose Women' or 'Vanessa' in the vain hope of receiving more sympathy. If that doesn't work Man has to rely on the emergency back up of the Samaritans and his Mum. Only as a last roll of the sympathy dice though. Man has his pride to think about after all.
Man must lay horizontal for as many hours as possible and make occasional noises which reinforce he is unwell in case anyone forgets. Rather peculiarly this happens even if Man lives on his own. Usually the slow low groan is followed by a few coughs, a loud grunt and finally a huge sigh which turns into wheeze and then a groan again. It is not dissimilar to the noises Man will make when achieving his weekly orgasm though in Man Flu it is filled with more meaning and effort. The end result is similar though. Immediate sleep.
A safe place is crucial for Man to lay around in for several days. This is usually your sofa or bed. Getting from one to the other is akin to running a marathon and achieving this must of course be shared on Twitter just to receive more martyrdom praise. If feeling ultra rough Man may check himself to a 5 star hotel or if double dip recession means funds are tight, a Travelodge.
At this stage the Tellie must of course be kept on a near constant loop of ITV4 with Minder, Sweeney and Professionals, mixed with Escape to the Sun, Homes Under the Hammer and Sarah Beeney's Building Houses. This of course is perfect Man Flu TV as manly stuff like building is mixed with a bit of crumpet with a heaving chest. This satisfies man in a deep nurturing way whilst fixing his need for making things.
The Man must of course have an occasional carer flitting in and out of the room (but not for too long as Man needs his own space) to flick over the channel, bring in some tea and Heinz tomato soup, boiled egg and soldiers and various magazines and reading material. If Man lets out ultra loud groans he may even get a thermometer if he is really lucky and of course regular changes to the hot water bottle. Man will of course at some point lose his temper at the ultra patient carer and bark ungrateful orders and complaints he feels is acceptable because he is unwell. This of course will be reminded back to him by his carer in around 8-9 years time.
Man must of course be very careful as he can slip into a Man Flu induced coma at any point, or to use it's technical term. Sleep. This forms a large part of the convalescence process and Man must of course drool, make weird noises and wake up so disorientated he talks nonsense for several minutes. During this process man must of course have sticky up hair and regress back to being around 5 years old. Arguably his general mental age anyway.
Man flu is a nasty illness and it will usually require a short period of inaction (3-4 weeks) before Man is finally fit enough to return to work (6 months later) and have enough strength to do jobs round the home again. (9 months). It is usually a whole year before Man has recovered sufficiently and is ready for another bout again.
Once over this deadly virus Man will return to the normal world but constantly check his looks in case he is 'looking peaky'. He will long for more lingering sympathy and take great delight in telling everyone, (mostly strangers at that point as everyone he knows is sick of him) that he's 'Had the flu' and 'was feeling rough'.
If any men read this and have Man Flu I am starting a support hot line and website so feel free to join the chat room and forum for online support. I am just waiting for Stephen Hawkins's technology to arrive so i can tap in things by thought and voice as i simply don't have the strength to move my fingers. I'll be surprised if i last the night. Mind you I'm not one to complain.
To join the online support group go to www.menareshitatbeingillandiwantsomesoupandmyheadstrokedbecauseimamassivebaby.com
Nicholas Edward
xx
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