The Delusional Man and Is there A God?

Do you believe in God? Wow that's an opening gambit isn't it? Not like I eased you into this entry is it? There was no slightly humorous padding or gentle introduction to the topic that's on my mind today. Instead it was BOOM! straight into the God topic. No foreplay. Just action.

Granted I haven't warmed you up yet, broken you in gently. I agree that was a little direct but as you will have noticed I back tracked immediately and wrote some gentle inane shit, self parodying the beginning to pad out an intro. I think that's called being ironic or in other words 'disapearing up ones own arse and trying to be pretentiously clever'. Let me start again.

Do you believe in God? I have been mulling over this concept and topic. I recently realised my utter futility on this planet and my relationship with God. I realised my overblown sense of importance as a human being and it was quite a moment. It made me question my belief system and faith.

I was on Mile 4 of an afternoon run. I was by the Thames in Petersham, by Richmond. A lovely spot usually but it was freezing cold and had a stronger wind than a taster at a Chile factory. It was grim.

I'd had a bad day. I admit i was in a filthy negative horrible angry mood. Some work stuff I'd been doing for months was pulled at the last minute. Affecting my livelihood and the entire nature of a business I'm trying to grow. It was a devastating and frustrating 'out of the blue' crushing blow. It hit me hard.

My mind started going into anxious and fearful mode. 'How will I earn money?', 'What will become of me', 'I should be more successful now'. Negative Nick was in full bloom. Not only that but my 'rights' moved in too, just to compound the thoughts.

'We deserve that deal'. 'We have worked so hard to accommodate them', 'it's a disgrace'. 'Poor us'. 'Those wankers'. All of these thoughts were swirling through my mind.

I decided an 8 mile hour long run would clear it but it just made it worse. Sometimes running is a superb to clear away negativity but sometimes all it does is give you an opportunity to really focus on the problem and concentrate hard on the resentment and injustice. That was what happened to me.

I reached mile 4 and the wind picked up, the freezing temperatures dropped and it became really torrid. I snapped at this point. I could take no more. I thought of all the bad news we'd had, of my past, of the bad luck, of abandonment, of everything that you associate with sick negative thinking, feeling a deep sense of self pity, injustice, being wronged and huge anger.

I looked up to the sky and screamed on top of my voice 'Fucking hell God make it fucking warmer. This is taking the fucking piss now. This has lasted long enough. Fucking sort it out."

Then on my work and personal situation I screamed 'Give me some fucking help down here. Ive prayed, I've helped others I've been a decent human being but for fucks sake stop throwing me bad news you cunt and fucking help me here',

Granted it's not a textbook prayer. Nor really is it a petition to God, more a demand and apparently the big fella doesn't do demands but I'd reached the end of my tether. At that moment I realised I do actually believe in a higher power otherwise why am I shouting out to something? If I am agnostic I'm just shouting to myself but i was shouting to something. I don't know why but at least it confirmed my faith.

At that point I realised my utter futility as a human. Who the fuck am I to start barking angry expletive ridden demands to a God based on my own little life? Why not scream 'fucking hell god can you please sort out a fucking cure for cancer'. At least I'd be demanding bigger things for lots of people other than little old me.

Also 2 passers by just saw an angry runner screaming 'CUUUUNNNNT' to the heavens. This helped me to look down on myself and see how utterly ridiculous i was being. It made me smile at myself even though they looked petrified like an inmate from Broadmoor had escaped (in Lycra)

I must believe in God otherwise I wouldn;t have screamed out to something. An agnostic would have screamed 'Fucking hell Scientific climates of cold pressure and easterly wind can you sort the weather'. An Atheist would have just screamed at themselves. It feels better to have a faith, at least to get angry with on certain occasions. It makes me feel better to believe in 'something'.

I then attended a Welsh funeral. Auntie Joan. my father's sister. One of the few surviving links to my Father. It's been quite a week. Anniversary of my father's death, anniversary of my rock bottom and realisation i had a problem with alcohol. My business receiving a crushing blow, being skint, a barn storming comedy night and finally a funeral.

I learnt more from my past. I learnt about my Father;s father being an Apostolic Minister after a spiritual awakening from being a drunkard into an ultra Religious Zealot. I suppose these things put me off God as that was the history I grew up with. It was good to learn about the insanity of my father's side of the family. Completes me and makes me understand my own a little more.

Organised religion is not for me but it is for many others and I respect that. I respect different beliefs and faiths. Instead my faith in a God works through people. Through experiences of myself and others. I see small miracles every day which are wrapped up in normality and that's good enough for me.

So my conclusion is that there is a God of sorts. There is a higher power. As a pig farmer from Bury once told me. "The only thing you need to know about God, Nick. Is that you're not fucking it." Amen to that

Nicholas Edward

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