I know, I know, people working a 12 step programme will be saying, 'read page 417 in the Big Book. Acceptance is the answer Nicholas, when I am annoyed it is more about something that I'M NOT doing, rather than the recipient of the annoyance.
I get that. I really do. I am responsible for my own attitude. If I don't sleep enough, eat well, live properly and make good decisions it can niggle away inside and turn me into a miserable angry sod.
I know logically It is NOT acceptable to keep pointing the finger at people covering up my own deficiencies. I am critical at the best of times. One of my worst traits. Being an ego maniac attention seeking recovering alcoholic Virgo means I am prone to bouts of intolerance and criticism. Both against me and pretty much everything and everyone.
Sometimes being locked in self will and ego creates this disharmony with the world around me. And i'm on collision course with it.
That's where faith and a higher power comes in. It's a personal opinion of course whether you choose to believe or not. Some people are more akin to personal responsibility rejecting the notion of a higher force. Others are all about faith and spend their life with grazed knees praying for pretty much everything.
Me? I have a difficult relationship with faith and God. I'm not really sure where I sit to be honest. I'm sold on the concept of a higher being or force or spirirt. I'm pretty sure I believe in something other than me. I see things happening to others which helps me access that faith and belief.
it's usually without you knowing and usually in a very subtle way. Whatever it is I think it's through other people. Either people being placed in your path to change the direction of your life, having a life changing incident or simply a connection with a particular group or community. Whatever it is I need it and it helps to change my mind, take me out of 'planet Nick' (or ego) and receive a new tuned in headspace.
Having said all that spiritual rational healthy fair minded shit, some people are fucking annoying. And this world is totally insane.
And somethings get right on my tits.
And sometimes I get fucking well cunting angry
Miserable people, sloany pubs, mobility scooters with able bodied people dressed in tracksuits driving to the pub, gentrification of London, The traffic, too many people up too early. Prams that are like SUV's, Life coaches selling you yet another spiritual 'how to live your life successfully' book. The list goes on ad infintum..
But yesterday I had a 'God incident' that helped take me out of this grouch and self induced egoic grump
Yesterday I did my exercise in the morning, practiced yoga, posted a video about some mild annoyances I had, got frustrated in yet more London traffic and went to see some friends on Richmond Green for the May Day fair.
Now Richmond is a place that is effectively The Daily Telegraph. Full of middle classed families wheeling around snivelling loud kids in prams the size of SUV's. The amount of courdroy on display is ridiculous. Whole Foods is like a mecca for all these fuckers and the May Day fair was going to be like a 'wanker rally'. Or so I thought.
There was bound to be a farmers market with 'black pudding scotch eggs at £4 a pop, a Himalyan Bath salt stand and the inevitiable 'bespoke cupcakes'. I braced myself for the tolerance tester.
I was taking myself way too seriously of course, which was rather ironic seeing as I was dressed like camp icon in lycra shorts and flip flops after training.
I settled down with the troops. Observing people just having a fun family afternoon, save for the occasional heroin addict passed out on the green. It was a 'nice' afternoon. The head was reasonably quiet but I still had an underlying niggle.
I was sat with my friends parents. Lovely 70 year old former teachers. Retired and dressed appropriately as OAP's in fleeces with grey hair. I had a good chat, learnt a lot and liked it.
Then it happened. My God incident. Out of nowehere an old gentleman of around 75 came up to me. Missing out the rest of the group. He arrowed straight to me and got right up in my face as I sat on the grass.
"Do you like Football?"
I paused for a second. My ego thought 'of course I fucking do I worked in the Premier League for 10 years. I'm a legend. Don't you know who I think I am?"
Instead I replied, "Yes I do. But I prefer triathlon these days' This was rather obvious so I thought, seeing as I was dressed in lycra showing off my muscular legs with the overly tight top I had carefully chosen to show off the guns.
"Great. Well take this, (handing me a flyer) we meet every Weds at 10.30 on Old Deer Park. Come along."
Before I had a chance to look at the flyer and take it in. He was off. Disappearing into the yonder.
I looked down and read the flyer. How fucking dare he! It was for walking football for the Over 50's!!!!
Walking Football on Weds mornings at 10.30. Walking fucking football!!! For OAP's. Walking fucking football?!!! Me? Walking Football. I was stunned.
Why didn't he give it to the OAP's I was sat next too? He only targeted me in the whole park. I didn't see him give any more out. It was just me.
I looked at the guys and I said, "did that just really happen?"
It was almost as much as a stunning blow of being called "big lad" during the marathon!! The Nick Evans Ego was bent right out of shape at this one. Walking fucking football? Are you kidding me?!
I read the flyer again and again. "For more information contact Jill at Richmond Age Concern. I'm getting right on the email to Jill on Monday I tell you.
I was mortified. I comforted myself by asking the whole group, "do I look over 50?" "Am I looking old?"
I mean I know I was up late the night before and smoking does age you but walking fucking football!!!! For OAP's. Didn't he know who the fuck I am? I did an Ironman last year don't you know. I was fresh out of Warrior training in my lycras. There was no fleece to be seen.
Walking football. Fucking bastard, How dare he!!
And Weds morning at 10.30am. Do I look like I'm retired and don't work? Do I look like I can mince about in the park of a Weds morning. Jill was going to cop a right earful on her email. Walking bloody football. Bastards!
Of course, after the initial 'what the fuck' had died down, I went searching for him, determined to have a fist fight with an OAP flyer distributor by the Dog Show and 'Himalayan Bath salt stand.
I read the flyer again, calmed down, took a step back, chuckled and then it came to me. It was God giving me a nudge. He was taking the piss. Don't take yourself so seriously Nicholas and lighten the fuck up.
He obviously sent the flyer guy into my path to deflate the ego and make me laugh at myself. It worked, I laughed at my utter ridiculousness.
On my own I struggle to get out of my own way. To get out of my own head. To gain a new perspective. I usually get this from other people. From meetings. From listening.
On this occasion this skud missile of a leaflet distributor was directly sent to me to change my perspective. The Higher Power certainly has a decent sense of humour. Of that there is no doubt. It was because he didn't target anyone else in the vicinity and buggered off immediately. It was one of those 'did that just happen' moments. Genuinely odd but I liked it. It was a power greater than myself changing the nature of my head, attitude, perspective and day.
So there we have it. That's my spiritual maxim for the day. God does work in very mysterious ways and if there is one thing I must not do today. Take myself so God dammed seriously!
I tell you what though, I'm taking a day off work on Weds to go and play 'walking fucking football' at Old Deer Park. I'm going to get stuck right in. My ego now demands to be man of the match and score a hat-trick, though to be fair, I reckon I stand a decent chance as my nearest competition is Stan, who's 90, with 2 bad hips and a walking stick. Reckon i'll give him a crunching tackle early doors and show him who's boss. I need to own that fucking game.
Nobody fucks with The Nick Evans. Walking Football my arse.
Love and peace
Nicholas Evans
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