EVANS GOES HERBAL - Giving Up Caffeine Is Harder than it Looks - The Friday Blog

Did we all survive Halloween? Is the car and house still standing from trick or treaters?  I loved it as a kid, dressing up, knocking on people's doors. Getting 20p was the holy grail back then, though you usually ended up with manky old penny sweets. Of course for the miserable sods who didn't give you anything a turd through the letter box or a flat tyre was fair game. Now as an adult I really appreciate how much of a nightmare such childish behaviour is. It takes months to eradicate turd stains and smells from the hall carpet. I played it safe & avoided any undue damage to my property by dressing up in a gold lama tracksuit, white wig, big cigar and opened the door by saying 'howzaboutthatthen guys and gals'. Slightly wrong but it did the trick. I am turd free this morning.

It's always been a big deal Halloween, especially for kids. However now the full commercial sales might has taken off it's everywhere. It seems that time is shortening because we are bombarded by advertising messages promoting the next 'big occasion'. We've just been through Halloween, now it is full steam ahead Christmas. Then it will be Valentines Day, Easter, Mothers Day etc. It's almost like the big brands are encouraging us to forget the now & have our mind on the next occasion. It's exhausting. Still I must be grateful for a turd free hallway this morning even if I did receive several complaints from my neighbours for my Fancy dress attire last night.

This is my new Friday slot for my blog. My weekly round up. I will spare you the dull bits this week (There have been many I assure you), but the headline news is that I've given up caffeine. Yep, this little 5 bottles of diet coke & 14 cups of tea-a-day merchant has been caffeine free for 3 days.

Now for a man who has been brought up by Welsh women who insist on drinking at least 4 litres of tea a day it's been quite a big deal. Tea is the fulcrum of this country. Think of any national crisis and it's always 'I'll put the kettle on'. And I'm not talking about that herbal shit either. Nor even the fresh loose leaf style or even poncy vastly overpriced silky Tea-pigs. No, I'm talking old school builders tea. So strong that you could stand your spoon up in it. Drop of milk, 2 sugars. Lovely.

I have been used to guzzling multiple cups a day. Wake up. Cup of tea and a smoke. Tea on the way to work. Tea at my desk. Tea at home, tea after dinner, tea, tea, tea. Since getting sober my tea drinking took on astronomical grounds. I swear to god I smelt of Teltley. I love it. Can't get enough. If you then double up with multiple bottles of diet coke & the occasional red bull then Bingo you're on a roll.

Trouble is of course, the occasional day like this is OK, but doing it day in, day out for 12 years takes it's toll. You can't sleep. You are constantly knackered, so what do you do to get by, you load up on even more caffeine. Insane. it's like the blind leading the blind. But you know what is really insane? I never took Pro Plus or other stimulants as I was of course sober & in recovery and considered that 'using' artificial stimulants. That's proper insane. Totally fooling myself and justifying that my behaviour was Ok because I wasn't popping pills. That's like someone smoking Skunk but not counting it as a drug because it's not Heroin. Madness.

The fact that I was pouring more stimulants into my system than the Jamaican sprint team didn't enter into my head. I was fooling myself that much. So why did I stop this week?

Well other than getting very little sleep for 12 years, huge dark circles under my eyes like Frankenstein, chronic fatigue, dry mouth, feeling constantly hung over, trouble concentrating, irritability, intolerance, negative thinking, rotting teeth & body breaking down no reason really.

How can caffeine do all that? Well I guess in moderation like everything else it is fine. But since when have I ever done moderation? I know how to spell it, it's just doing it I find tricky. If I like something and it feels good then I want as much as I can possibly ingest. Plus of course as humans we fall into repetitive habits. The thought to have something comes and I have it. Constantly. This is where habitual human behaviour meets addictive personality. The result? Well the above list will do for a start.

No it's not Heroin, crack or any of the headline drugs. No I am not over dramatizing this. It's only fucking tea after all for Christs sake Nicholas!!! But trust me addictions can take on many forms, each having their own damage. I still have loads more in my locker I'm not ready to let go of yet.

So this week I've been downing decaf tea (I know, I know it's like non alcoholic lager and a waste of time but I'm doing this in stages OK?) & I've got on the herbal shit. Peppermint & Chamomile.

I  have officially turned into one of those wankers I hated in my early sobriety. And you know what I love it! It's inevitable. I mean, my Egoic me is bound to hate anyone who is healthy, happy and successful because my it doesn't want me to do that.

So for years I've lived in it (and still do a lot) merrily drink 20 cups of sweetener laced tea, smoking 40 fags a day and keep myself feeling shite. Well no more Ego. You can fuck off. I'm on the Peppermint & chamomile. Mmm raspberry & elderflower infusion. Bring it on. Green Leaf Mint Japanese Herbal Garden..You fucking bet. I'll have a pint. I'm a herbal mother fucker now Ego. Tetley's will be fucked. Their profits will fall at least 12% a week as The Evans goes herbal.

The big test of course will come when entering an old school café. I'm not sure the order of "Full English breakfast with grilled tomato, poached free range egg, wheat free toast & a cup of elderflower & thyme infusion tea please luv", will be met with enthusiasm. Still I will build up to that.

However the ultimate will come when I go back to Wales to see Aunt Gwynie. Turning down tea in Llanelli is not only considered rude, unsacred and shocking. I actually think it's illegal too. Unless you've drunk 14 litres of weak tea until your bladder is bursting you've not been sociable. I dread to think the look on her face when I ask for Jasmine infused Green Tea. I actually think it may finish her off. My grandfather Idwell Isaac Evans will be turning in his tea stained Grave at the thought of that one. Mind you I think he died from a burst bladder so fair does.

So after 12 years of massively loading up my system on legal stimulants and abusing my body I've been in absolute bits this week. Withdrawals symptoms have included tiredness, headache, thirsty. back pain, aching legs, depression. All from fucking tea and diet coke!!!!!!!! Holy shit I dread to think what giving up smoking will be like, That may tip me over the edge.

Anyway, have a tip top caffeine, lactose, dairy, wheat, sugar free weekend if indeed you can have any fun without any of that. Still for all you non addicts out there there's always wine, whiskey, sex and song. I'll just stick to the sex and song me thinks. Followed of course by a herbal.

Nicholas E Evans