THE NICK EVANS MANS GUIDE TO SUMMER
(Warning This Blog contains partial nudity and misogyny)
It's summertime!!! Britain swelters. The heat wave continues with no end in sight. The Lions beat Australia, Murray is Wimbledon champion, England are caning the Aussies in the Ashes & Chris Froome won the Tour De France. Fuck me, does it get any better for a bloke? All that's needed now is discounted Stella and free hand jobs on the NHS (by Stella) Even Kate & Wills joined in by delivering a Royal baby boy. Don't worry the Mans Guide to being a Royal will follow in the next few weeks
With all this sporting excellence I've had a constant semi on for the past 2 months. This is a little tricky when you're sunbathing in your Speedos in the park, but nothing an experienced campaigner can't hide with a handily placed copy of Mobility Scooter Monthly #Nonce.
The weather is simply splendid & it feels like the first genuine Summer for ages. Not the measly week of Sun we usually get. This is proper Summer. Pub gardens, BBQ's, River Thames, Pimms, melting roads, rail tracks buckling, long tailbacks, sun beating down from 6am, brown singed grass, thousands of fleshy bodies packed onto a tiny bit of grass, heavy binge drinking & girls in tiny outfits (unless you're in the North of England - then it's all year round) - Yep it's the great British Summertime.
Men struggle in the summertime. It's the genetic compound of testosterone, heat, lager & sweaty bollocks. So I thought I would write a little Mans guide to the Great British Summer time to help us blokes get through it and give you girls some tips from the inside to help your man. I haven't tailored it for trannies or hermaphrodites though, so if you are a little unsure of your sexuality simply take the Mans guide, chop it in half and slap on a pair of heels from Primark. It will all make sense then.
Enjoy;
Fitness
Some Men want to show off their body in summertime. Preparations would have begun with endless bench pressing and bicep curls to look good in a vest. Here's a tip for you men. Nobody looks good in a vest. The only way you should wear a vest is if you are in a retirement home. Think Uncle Albert and think on.
Men do not care about proportionate muscle mass, it's all about the upper body to show off the 'guns' and 'pecs'. They may have the legs of a chicken and the chest of a bear but that's all that matters for summer man. The result is they look like an upside down pyramid, otherwise known as 'tossers.'
You will see these strange specimens walking around arrogantly with over large sun glasses and tightly fitting vests to show the kind of body they think is fit and everyone thinks is fat. Tread carefully around these meat heads. Heavy acne on the back and an ultra 'take themselves too seriously' look means they are on steroids. Watch out for this - it will mean they are close to complete violence or mental breakdown. Think Raul Moat in a souped up Astra.
Early morning runs outside in the sun with your top off is a joy of summer for some men. Sucking in the view, the weather and the great outdoors is a cracking way to start off the day. In addition there is always a regular dose of fitties you will pass so the ability to genuinely guilt free perve is immense. Forget the view of the country side check out the amount of camel toes you can spot as they run past in their Lycra. The only way to start a summers day
Early morning runs outside in the sun with your top off is a joy of summer for some men. Sucking in the view, the weather and the great outdoors is a cracking way to start off the day. In addition there is always a regular dose of fitties you will pass so the ability to genuinely guilt free perve is immense. Forget the view of the country side check out the amount of camel toes you can spot as they run past in their Lycra. The only way to start a summers day
For men not interested in fitness the Summer poses a problem. Man tits - how do you hide them? Usually with both hands after a regular diet of BBQ burgers & beer. They cannot be covered up by heavy jumpers or jackets, so the faithful shapeless large t-shirt is at a premium. Vests are a definite no go in this instance, unless of course you have no shame, morals or sense of pride. I'd advise any male Fat Goths to remain indoors for the length of the summer. This weather is not for you. Remain in your darkened room eating Black Forest Gateaux listening to Morrisey until Autumn. Only then is it safe to venture out.
Summer Fashion
Men generally have the style of Mary Queen of Shops on Acid. No more is this exposed than during the summer. The hot weather is tricky for men & they generally fall into 3 categories.
Those who never try. Those of who try but fail miserably. Those who succeed in failing but are comfortable doing so.
Those who never try. Those of who try but fail miserably. Those who succeed in failing but are comfortable doing so.
The best summer wear is of course anything from Sports Direct. This involves 3/4 length tracksuit bottoms/shorts which have the material of bible paper. These cheap little fuckers are actually heat conductors and encourage the terrible man disorder called 'sweaty nad syndrome' . This is when Mens bollocks become over heated and leak down the inner thigh.
Any long period of sitting will mean this runs to the arse cleft and once that goes you have an all over sweat situation that no amount of talc or deodorant will fix. This is effectively pants Armageddon and smells worse than a portaloo at Glastonbury. It's groin meltdown, like a BO Bomb has gone off. Stay well clear.
In this instance girls. Never ever contemplate giving him a blow job. You may as well suck off a shit covered Pig. It will be more appealing than your man in groin meltdown.
Other favourites of men in the summer is of course the cargo/combat shorts. Usually worn by men who wouldn't even get to level 2 on Tour of duty, let alone real combat. These should never be worn by any man over the age of 40. That's just wrong. If they do, they should be sent to Afghanistan and used as target practice.
This is followed by the trainers, short shorts and socks brigade. Everyone knows this is codename for paedophile. Never ever wear this combination unless of course you are a 1970's former Radio 1 DJ or totally deluded.
The final No go is pale blue shirts. A terrible error in the heat wave and on public transport. This will result in large dark circles under your arms making your arm pits look like they've been crying. This is not a good look or smell and will make girls run a mile. On the other hand if you are a lying bastard MP it maybe a good idea to be photographed once in a while with these.
This will of course give your PR department plenty of material to spin that you are a man of the people and like 'one of us'. Your not, you're a lying demon politician with sweaty armpits. Get back to your air conditioned Jaguar you cunt and fuck off.
Of course the ultimate for men in summer is the safari suit. It fits all manner of occasions. Work, Pub, Party, BBQ and jungle. It's a top all rounder and if you have the balls (tightly strapped down of course) to wear it you will receive admiring glances, ultimate respect and shot loads of abuse from everyone you meet. Don't be put off boys - our ultimate goal is to do a Roger Moore. Once you have achieved this status you have made it.
Of course the ultimate for men in summer is the safari suit. It fits all manner of occasions. Work, Pub, Party, BBQ and jungle. It's a top all rounder and if you have the balls (tightly strapped down of course) to wear it you will receive admiring glances, ultimate respect and shot loads of abuse from everyone you meet. Don't be put off boys - our ultimate goal is to do a Roger Moore. Once you have achieved this status you have made it.
Sport
A crucial component of summer. For Gods sake watch it on the box don't play it.. A kick around in the park will invariably lead to full rigomortis so it's best avoided. The only sport played should be on the Playstation 2, especially when hot and sunny outside. Wasting a gorgeous summers day whilst trying to get to the Premier league on Championship Manager is an important component of the male summer.
If pushed you are allowed to play a game of Swingball against your 5 year old nephew. Make sure you win though at all costs even if it means cheating. If all else fails play an occasional game of rounders. Not for the sport element as we all know it's not proper sport, but because you can laze away in the outfield drinking Cider. The summer sports of choice are of course cricket, rugby Union, cycling, Golf and sweating.
BBQ
The ultimate male domain. This is what separates the men from the boys. No woman should come within 500 meters of the BBQ, unless of course she is naked, in high heels carrying Beer for the Chef. This is purely male territory. Real men shouldn't go for the gas ones. Those are for pussies and men with wispy taches. It's got to be old school charcoal, so the food is black and tastes of embers.
It's a well known fact that Men gauge their masculinity by how they light a BBQ. Firstly pack it with fuckloads of firelighters and twigs soaked in lighter fuel. Then make sure you hunch over it with your face within touching distance downwind with a small lighter and endlessly attempt to light it. Make sure you ignore helpful tips from your girlfriend like 'why don't you use this rolled up newspaper as a torch' and plough on. Your pig headed method should work after 30-40 minutes and by now you should have used every swear word under the sun and made up a batch of new ones. FuckingBBQFuckingwankfuckingfestwanktitbollocks
If you haven't by now burnt your hair then you have lit the thing too easily. You simply must wrestle with it like it's a bear. By now you should have set light to half the garden but at least those bastard coals will be hot. Make sure you put enough on to cook for the British Army and the BBQ will be warm until September.
Make sure you lump all the meat on together, no matter what size and cook everything for exactly the same time. Employ the 'rythmn' method to your cooking. When it is black outside it is done. Argue with anyone who suggests 'it needs a little longer' by eating several chicken drumsticks, insisting they are fine and developing botulism several days later.
Remember Men - NO FUCKING GREENS! The only thing green at a BBQ should be the lawn you cook it on and then it should be burnt and blackened after wards.
Seaside
An essential part of the mans summer. You must have a day trip to the seaside. To make it less stressful, avoid driving. Waiting for several hours whilst she gets ready and then load up 8 bags like your going trekking in Nepal is recipe for disaster. If you add kids to the equation you can basically add another 7 hours onto your journey time and 100% stress.
Of course the inevitable traffic and riot in the back seat, with constant demands to stop will mean it would be quicker to get treated on the NHS than drive your family to the seaside. Go by train, it's easier plus there is infinite perving potential behind your sunglasses of course.
If you are just taking your woman it's a great opportunity to show off your prowess & win man points. Feign interest in little craft shops and boutiques & she will think you're enjoying romantic strolls around town virtually guaranteeing you a blozzer later on. Even seem interested in her conversation and pretend not to stare at other women in bikinis behind your shades. You will have her eating out of your hands by the end of the day & if she's proper filthy. Your ring piece too. Though I wouldn't suggest rimming on a first date and it's certainly not a romantic end to a perfect day out. Remember that boys.
Of course eating is important so whatever you do - DO NOT TREAT HER TO HEALTHY FOOD. This is a big no no - instead binge on fish & chips, whelks, hot dogs, candy floss, doughnuts, crepes, ice cream, fudge and sweets. Seaside fayre is for the clinically obese and you must at all times scoff whatever you can fit in your cake hole. Binging as a couple is fun, however this is counter productive as she will be far too full to give you a blow job later on. You have to weigh up the odds. Blow job or freshly cooked ring donuts? If all else fails and she is too full you can use the ring donut to finish yourself off later.
Your final mission to affirm your masculinity is to win her a cuddly toy on the pier. You are not allowed off the pier without winning your woman some kind of furry monstrosity. It can't be for something shit like hooking a duck. Instead you must throw, kick or hurl something as fast as possible to win. Either dart board, coconut shy or tin can alley. This is essential for a man that you get a crowd, spend £2 for 3 balls and then spend £62 on 21 goes until you finally win.
Any man who leaves without winning anything for his bird is effectively cock less and may as well throw themselves off the pier. You are a fucking disgrace if you leave empty handed. You have no place in Mans world. You are letting down the whole of man kind - This is historical and goes back all the way to pre historic times. (well at least black and white anyway)
Any man who leaves without winning anything for his bird is effectively cock less and may as well throw themselves off the pier. You are a fucking disgrace if you leave empty handed. You have no place in Mans world. You are letting down the whole of man kind - This is historical and goes back all the way to pre historic times. (well at least black and white anyway)
This is it boys, Man up. The ultimate test of masculinity and no matter if it costs you £100,000 - you are getting her that one eyed furry fucking gnome. Male pride is at stake here and there is no limit to what you spend to retain it.
Remember, whatever you do boys - DO NOT EMPLOY THIS TECHNIQUE UNLESS AT GAY PRIDE
Once you have bagged her the furry toy you can rest easy. She will be putty. You are officially her hero and you can look around the seaside and feel a sense of superiority over other men who have left empty handed. You are now a man my son. Go home immediately put up some shelves and reverse park. You are on a roll. You are Lord of the pier.
Summer Holidays
These fall into different categories. If you are married with Kids it's technically not a holiday. More a test of endurance. Being on call 24/7, being forced into 'having fun' and being relentlessly jolly will have you craving the sanctity of your shit job and commute in no time. Hang in there.
If you are in a couple you can take her to a romantic little fishing village in the Mediterranean where you can join the legions of other couples wandering around aimlessly hand in hand turning slowly bored and joylessly eating silently in yet another over priced taverna. It's a perfect place to get away from it all, plug in the Ipod, read a book and ignore each other all day.
The true test of a new relationship will be to last the full 7 days without wanting to throw yourself under a Greek trawler. Man up boys. Just remember the footie season starts in 3 weeks.
For an ultra romantic night out take her out to a local bar and watch the pre season Emirates cup. If Sunderland v Coventry isn't enough to get her wetter than Manchester in June, then woo her at the Karaoke after several schooners of Ouzo. It's a well known fact that girls love being sung to, trouble is by the end of the night you will probably sound more like a wart hog mating than Frank Sinatra. Know your limits. Stick to Angles by Robbie Williams. It maybe a shit song. You may sing it like Stephen Hawkins with a throat infection but she'll definitely nosh you off for trying. Bless.
If you are single, its of course the lads holiday. It doesn't matter where you go as all you'll be doing is swapping the inside of one pub for another. Make sure you do not engage in any local custom and speak louder than at home to make yourself understood. It's important to eat local dishes such as KFC & Dominoes and enjoy excursions to historical attractions like the longest established massage parlour in town. If you come back without being arrested, beaten up or in this state you haven't fucking Lived boys!!!
At least one hospitalisation is mandatory for a lads holiday as is an STD. That's a bonus and one to be proud of. Be careful though boys to get tested if you are in a loving monogamous relationship. It's a tricky conversation down the line if you don't.
The final holiday is of course the Great British camping/caravanning holiday. A timeless classic. If your camping make sure you prepare badly, not like those pros who have pop up fridges and cookers. Never go Glamping. That's for people who read the Guardian and watch Grand Designs, Pitch your tent and make sure you look as proud as the first explorers up Everest when you've succeeded. Modern tents are a piss of piss so you shouldn't go far wrong, however if you do get in trouble never consult the instructions or seek advice from your woman. That's recipe for disaster,. Her job is to load the fridge and sort out bedding. Make sure you pitch your tent downwind from the toilet and shower block so you are woken to smells of frying bacon and raw sewage. Always a livener first thing in the morning.
Of course if camping is too basic you can always go caravaning. There are the professional caravaners of course. Who own their own & tow it holding up the entire traffic for 12 miles. It's mandatory to have dopey long wing mirrors and caravans that sound like dildos (Maruader anyone?) This is essentially a small house on wheels, transferred to a small plot of land. The real pros get the awnings that extend into a conservatory and hang up washing lines and create a walled garden. If you are living in one of these for a week be careful not to eat heavy carbs, The chemical Khazi will become the bane of your life. If you can last more than 2 days in one of these tiny things you are most certainly clinically insane.
Instead I suggest hiring a static. Or an 8 berth. These big bastards are superb. 3 bedrooms the size of a Smart Car boot, walls thinner than Posh Spice and a kitchenette where the only thing Michelin is the tyres it's balanced on.
To be fair modern static Caravans have gone all posh and are reasonably luxurious now. Real toilets and spunk stain free bedding so they are highly recommended for families or couples. If you survive a week in a caravan with your bird she's most certainly a keeper boys. The one for you.
I personally think Caravan holidays are cool. The on site shop which always looks like a Russian cash & carry from the 80's. The clubhouse choc a bloc full of overweight holiday makers playing Bingo and throwing shapes to the nightly Disco. Kids running amok wired on sugar and a smattering of ageing Lotharios from Preston who still think they 'got it'. Presumably they mean mild Racism and Diabetes Type II.
It's a classic British Holiday people and I urge all Men to experience it at least once in their lives in order to receive full Man points (and a bad back from crouching down all week)
SEX
The heat makes men ultra horny. Summer heat. All the skin, bikinis and girls on show makes men behave like a dog with 12 dicks. Walking around certain parts of town is like a fanny grenade has gone off. It literally comes at you from all directions and you don't know where to look first. Men must beware of neck injuries at this time of year as 'rubber necking' is rife.
A general tip is to pick a spot outside a café in the sun. Borrow a cute dog for several hours and then sit back and wait for the tottie to come to you. This will save you rubber necking and provide you with a relentless stream of summer perving right in your face. It will literally come to you and you can sit back, relax and enjoy the view. Happy hunting!!
It's a well known fact that on average 87% of blokes are shit at sex. It's hard enough for girls to put up with their blokes pounding away on them at the best of times let alone in 105 degrees heat when his face looks like A Beetroot salad & he's sweating more than Stuart Hall at a scouts convention. The most popular position in summer is Doggie. That way you don't have to see each other's purile faces and the sweat can be deflected to the sides. Watch out for Sex on the beach though boys. Sand in the foreskin can literally last for months and a sandy arse cleft can leave any man screaming in agony on wiping. Tread carefully nobody wants to be admitted to A&E with terrible rectal injuries and try to explain it's because of heavy wiping from a sandy cleft. It won't wash boys. Literally.
So that's my little guide to the summer. I hope it's been useful. Remember girls it's hard for us blokes in the summer. You think you've got it hard. Get the perfect bikini body, shave your bits, fight off drunk guys, sweaty tits, fishy fanny, pressure of the media to look good in summer, the kids on holiday. I know you have it tough but spare a thought for the poor blokes. We have to last nearly 2 months without Premier league football & put up with all the endless hours of Royal baby shit. Not only that but we have to attend picnics/summer fairs and pretend to look interested. We've got to get our legs out & pretend not to stare at girls for nearly 3 months. Shit the bed, it's murder for us boys. Thank god for the Freight Rover Cup Regional qualifying rounds beginning this weekend. Without it I think I'd have to go and get myself some brightly coloured Chinos and kill myself.
Only 165 days to Christmas. Enjoy the rest of the summer.
If you want any man tips you can email me at itsevo@hotmail.com or visit the website www.mansummertimesweatyarsecleftandbollocks.com
The Nick Evans
#Yorkie
xx
Feel free to share this on Facebook or Twitter if you like it - I want my readership going up above 16 - any less and I'm in Stuart Hall territory
Summer Holidays
These fall into different categories. If you are married with Kids it's technically not a holiday. More a test of endurance. Being on call 24/7, being forced into 'having fun' and being relentlessly jolly will have you craving the sanctity of your shit job and commute in no time. Hang in there.
If you are in a couple you can take her to a romantic little fishing village in the Mediterranean where you can join the legions of other couples wandering around aimlessly hand in hand turning slowly bored and joylessly eating silently in yet another over priced taverna. It's a perfect place to get away from it all, plug in the Ipod, read a book and ignore each other all day.
The true test of a new relationship will be to last the full 7 days without wanting to throw yourself under a Greek trawler. Man up boys. Just remember the footie season starts in 3 weeks.
For an ultra romantic night out take her out to a local bar and watch the pre season Emirates cup. If Sunderland v Coventry isn't enough to get her wetter than Manchester in June, then woo her at the Karaoke after several schooners of Ouzo. It's a well known fact that girls love being sung to, trouble is by the end of the night you will probably sound more like a wart hog mating than Frank Sinatra. Know your limits. Stick to Angles by Robbie Williams. It maybe a shit song. You may sing it like Stephen Hawkins with a throat infection but she'll definitely nosh you off for trying. Bless.
If you are single, its of course the lads holiday. It doesn't matter where you go as all you'll be doing is swapping the inside of one pub for another. Make sure you do not engage in any local custom and speak louder than at home to make yourself understood. It's important to eat local dishes such as KFC & Dominoes and enjoy excursions to historical attractions like the longest established massage parlour in town. If you come back without being arrested, beaten up or in this state you haven't fucking Lived boys!!!
At least one hospitalisation is mandatory for a lads holiday as is an STD. That's a bonus and one to be proud of. Be careful though boys to get tested if you are in a loving monogamous relationship. It's a tricky conversation down the line if you don't.
The final holiday is of course the Great British camping/caravanning holiday. A timeless classic. If your camping make sure you prepare badly, not like those pros who have pop up fridges and cookers. Never go Glamping. That's for people who read the Guardian and watch Grand Designs, Pitch your tent and make sure you look as proud as the first explorers up Everest when you've succeeded. Modern tents are a piss of piss so you shouldn't go far wrong, however if you do get in trouble never consult the instructions or seek advice from your woman. That's recipe for disaster,. Her job is to load the fridge and sort out bedding. Make sure you pitch your tent downwind from the toilet and shower block so you are woken to smells of frying bacon and raw sewage. Always a livener first thing in the morning.
Of course if camping is too basic you can always go caravaning. There are the professional caravaners of course. Who own their own & tow it holding up the entire traffic for 12 miles. It's mandatory to have dopey long wing mirrors and caravans that sound like dildos (Maruader anyone?) This is essentially a small house on wheels, transferred to a small plot of land. The real pros get the awnings that extend into a conservatory and hang up washing lines and create a walled garden. If you are living in one of these for a week be careful not to eat heavy carbs, The chemical Khazi will become the bane of your life. If you can last more than 2 days in one of these tiny things you are most certainly clinically insane.
Instead I suggest hiring a static. Or an 8 berth. These big bastards are superb. 3 bedrooms the size of a Smart Car boot, walls thinner than Posh Spice and a kitchenette where the only thing Michelin is the tyres it's balanced on.
To be fair modern static Caravans have gone all posh and are reasonably luxurious now. Real toilets and spunk stain free bedding so they are highly recommended for families or couples. If you survive a week in a caravan with your bird she's most certainly a keeper boys. The one for you.
I personally think Caravan holidays are cool. The on site shop which always looks like a Russian cash & carry from the 80's. The clubhouse choc a bloc full of overweight holiday makers playing Bingo and throwing shapes to the nightly Disco. Kids running amok wired on sugar and a smattering of ageing Lotharios from Preston who still think they 'got it'. Presumably they mean mild Racism and Diabetes Type II.
It's a classic British Holiday people and I urge all Men to experience it at least once in their lives in order to receive full Man points (and a bad back from crouching down all week)
SEX
The heat makes men ultra horny. Summer heat. All the skin, bikinis and girls on show makes men behave like a dog with 12 dicks. Walking around certain parts of town is like a fanny grenade has gone off. It literally comes at you from all directions and you don't know where to look first. Men must beware of neck injuries at this time of year as 'rubber necking' is rife.
A general tip is to pick a spot outside a café in the sun. Borrow a cute dog for several hours and then sit back and wait for the tottie to come to you. This will save you rubber necking and provide you with a relentless stream of summer perving right in your face. It will literally come to you and you can sit back, relax and enjoy the view. Happy hunting!!
It's a well known fact that on average 87% of blokes are shit at sex. It's hard enough for girls to put up with their blokes pounding away on them at the best of times let alone in 105 degrees heat when his face looks like A Beetroot salad & he's sweating more than Stuart Hall at a scouts convention. The most popular position in summer is Doggie. That way you don't have to see each other's purile faces and the sweat can be deflected to the sides. Watch out for Sex on the beach though boys. Sand in the foreskin can literally last for months and a sandy arse cleft can leave any man screaming in agony on wiping. Tread carefully nobody wants to be admitted to A&E with terrible rectal injuries and try to explain it's because of heavy wiping from a sandy cleft. It won't wash boys. Literally.
So that's my little guide to the summer. I hope it's been useful. Remember girls it's hard for us blokes in the summer. You think you've got it hard. Get the perfect bikini body, shave your bits, fight off drunk guys, sweaty tits, fishy fanny, pressure of the media to look good in summer, the kids on holiday. I know you have it tough but spare a thought for the poor blokes. We have to last nearly 2 months without Premier league football & put up with all the endless hours of Royal baby shit. Not only that but we have to attend picnics/summer fairs and pretend to look interested. We've got to get our legs out & pretend not to stare at girls for nearly 3 months. Shit the bed, it's murder for us boys. Thank god for the Freight Rover Cup Regional qualifying rounds beginning this weekend. Without it I think I'd have to go and get myself some brightly coloured Chinos and kill myself.
Only 165 days to Christmas. Enjoy the rest of the summer.
If you want any man tips you can email me at itsevo@hotmail.com or visit the website www.mansummertimesweatyarsecleftandbollocks.com
The Nick Evans
#Yorkie
xx
Feel free to share this on Facebook or Twitter if you like it - I want my readership going up above 16 - any less and I'm in Stuart Hall territory
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