3 people. 3 f****g people read my blog yesterday. 3 of you. There's more in a f*****g orgy for Christs sake. It's less than the entire line up of The Rolling Stones, though not The Beatles. 3 people. That's a 3 sum which read my blog yesterday.
I thought about all kinds of topics to write about today. Swearing. When more is never enough. Sex. (you could possibly merge all 3 together. There's the number 3 again, is it taking the piss?) The Olympics, Inappropriate behaviour or indecision, i just couldn't decide.
So i tossed for it. Very enjoyable it was too. Cheap gag, which incidentally is what they sell in Anne Summers. No, I spun some coins and by the process of elimination the topic of the day was swearing.
I love swearing. I really do. My father swore loads when i was a kid so i became used to it from an early age. As he was a raving alcoholic filled with resentment and intolerance so of course swearing was as natural as Jodie March and self obsession.
He would constantly be arguing to himself, no doubt with some ill conceived burning resentment against his bosses, muttering, the one sided argument to himself would always end in the term 'fucking arseholes'. Obviously aimed at someone, though he would also drop something and shout 'fucking arseholes' out loud.
So it was a very flexible swear word, not only describing a person but also a smashed pyrex plate. It made me like swearing alot.
He was also fond of the word 'wanker'. Again this was used liberally to describe a number of things, though usually aimed at people, mostly people better off than him. Envy and ego is a powerful mix and usually ends in the term 'wanker'. I remember one of my main goals when growing up was not to be a 'wanker'. I hope I've achieved that.
I think swear words are great. They just describe things perfectly. For instance if someone has behaved badly and either hurt you or made you feel bad, what other word describes that person as a 'twat' or plain and simple 'prick'.
If you are in an argument and are so angry that you have to get the last word in, then a forceful 'fucking cunt' makes you feel a whole lot better.
Yes it can signify a limited vocabulary and sometimes people swear unnecessarily. but there is nothing like it. And it is so underrated and underused.
For instance, you have amazing sex, you mount like an Alsatian on heat. You are magnificent. Your woman has multiple orgasms and then when you, cock god, finally climax, or as us men like to call it 'shoot your load', you repeatedly say the word 'fuck'. It describes a multitude of emotions, relief, stunned exhaustion, disbelief you have actually lasted for longer than 3 Min's. It just wouldn't have the same ring to it if you screamed 'gosh' loudly.
That is not to say Gosh is a fine term. I love it and think that too needs to be used more, just not in dirty sex. There is always a time and a place.
And speaking of sex, when you're feeling rather frisky and see someone you rather fancy, when chatting up and getting all sexy on the text, rarely have i known the phrase 'i really want to give you a good bonking' work. Immediately she would be turned off and suspect you wear underpants and vest and probably iron your socks. A good fucking is far more appropriate.
And that brings us to the ultimate. Now everyone has their own favourites and make their own up. Knobhead, cocklord, div, shithead. twat, knob, gaylord to name but a few, but there is one dominant word. The word that cuts through most sensitive people and makes them wince.
It's of course the C bomb. Now dropping 'cunt' into a phrase or description always divides the room. Some are openly shocked and wince, others don't bat an eyelid and welcome such savage wording.
Sometimes you are placed in such a position it really is the only appropriate word to find to describe someone or a situation. 'I've had a right cunt of a day' you know where you stand. Said person has clearly had a shocker. 'He's a right cunt' - again described person is clearly someone to avoid.
You then get into the realms of cuntishness, cunty behaviour and of course going back to sex, when feeling really dirty you will of course use the term when talking dirty. When you're in the middle of beastly sex, if she whispers in your ear 'Fuck me harder in the vagina', it's instant floppiness and you want to go off and watch Top Gear. Unsexy.
So swearing gets a bad press. Of course it's better delivered from a beautiful woman or posh, or someone straight laced. Double the impact then. And I'm always impressed with people who drop several into a sentence, actually placing more swear words than words.
For instance a football coach was once recorded on the touchline turning round to his assistant and saying , "Fucking hell, the fucking fucker's fucked the fucking fucker". Good work, if there was swearing scrabble he'd have pissed it. Impressive.
No for me it's as much part of the English language as 'Clarkson' (see above under the term 'cunt'), or any other words. It's poetry, it's language, it's powerful, it accentuates phrases and sentences.
I tell you what it is. It's f****g great, just not at a funeral
xx
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