Day 191 - Tuesday 10th July - Letterheads and Low self esteem

It's summer!!! I saw the sun today for 4 minutes before it slashed it down again. Looking on the positive side though, it's great for gardens. I haven't got one though. What a stupid thing to say. One for the morons.

I'm over the weather. It's shit. We have no summer. Big deal. Move on. It's not like it's a total shock is it? I mean old blighty is never renowned for it's amazing golden summers. Golden showers maybe, but that's a whole different blog entry.

After yesterdays PMT blog i was rather disappointed to receive very little feedback. I think maybe because it wasn't that good. On reflection i reckon it was C+. Slightly disappointing. A Bit like my sexual performance in my 20's. Clearly I need to raise it to my 30's standard. It was pretty challenging taking a topic someone suggested and writing about it. Interesting though. I liked it.

Writing a blog is so different from anything else. There is little in the way of thought or preparation. i just sit and knock it out (steady on). I'm not the most detailed or thorough person anyway so it suits me. Sometimes when I'm halfway through i get hit by some great ideas and inspiration, sometimes crushing inertia.

Today was another dull one, in case i hadn't had enough of motor sport i was back at the Marussia F1 factory again for a day long presentation on the business of it. My mind was on my sofa watching Flog it. I was tired. I need a break.

Why can't i have a job where people just pay me the money and fuck off. So I'm not accountable, don't have to do anything and get paid handsomely. Those are few and far between and mostly taken by the Match of the Day team. Looks like I'll have to chug on with my graft then

Speaking of work, I had another superb email today. I'll share it with you;

Hi Nick,

Just to confirm the second delivery of letterhead will take place tomorrow.  The courier will ask for you.

We’ll stay closely in touch with the courier to ensure all goes to plan.

Kind regards,

Jackie

Kill me now. See I'm not making this shit up. It really happens. I'll keep you posted on Twitter tomorrow to see if it turns up. We'll keep closely in touch to see it arrives. Don't people understand the importance of fucking stationary. Jackie does. She knows the score. I'll keep you informed tomorrow.

Oh yes, i keep forgetting Are you following me on Twitter? @comedychops - If not click here and get on it. https://twitter.com/#!/ - you can keep up to date with all the latest letterhead gossip. (Gun to head)

On another, somewhat more serious subject i got chatting last night to someone who had been going through a really bad emotional time over past few months. They were in a bad way. Didn't really know which way to turn. Couldn't really talk to anyone and certainly couldn't relate to anyone 'normal'. They were fucked in the head. Low self esteem, fear, low motivation, depression, feelings of worthlessness, isolation, stuck in a painful place. Oh my god i know that place so well.

I was able to talk to them 'on a level'. Bit worrying that someone who is by their own admission 'fucked up', so related to me and felt 'on a level'. Er, i think that makes me sick too! I actually know that though, and warmly embrace it. As they say, enjoy your insanity.

It was sad to hear, but also quite positive in helping someone to understand they are not alone, that many people feel this way, it is not 'alien' or 'weird' and it's OK to be like that. Some people are born with physical deformities, some people born beautiful, some are born with unshakable self confidence. some are morons, and some people are born with chronic self esteem and dodgy head syndrome (non medical term). I certainly fall into that category.

I suppose I've been so lucky over past 11 years, in that i can go to AA meetings and share my sick head, to try and shift it, connect with other lunatics and get on with life. Before i used to bury it with alcohol or in some cases drugs. Now it's AA and other nonspiritual things.

It's the ones who suffer in silence, alone without being able to talk it through i feel for. Yes, counselling etc is valid and good, but ultimately how can someone help you if they've never experienced what you do? Do you pay someone for the rest of your life to talk through 'issues'.

And what of the self reliance ones? They are truly heroic, but it's painful carrying around stuff in your own head all the time, battling it saying 'i will beat you'. Sometimes it's just good to let go and share with someone similar who won't judge, criticise, offer advice. They will just laugh and go 'ha, i know it's a fucking nightmare isn't it'.

It's good to lighten the load, laugh at it. Accept it and try to live with it. Sometimes its hard and gloomy and other times it's OK, but from last night's conversation it was great to see someone lighten and see that relief that they connect with a fellow lunatic and feel not so alone and like a weirdo. i used to feel that so much, even in groups of friends. The loneliest place to be when surrounded by people yet you feel alone. #mentalillness

So, if you're reading this and struggling, share it. Write it down, find someone who has a similar problem, don't keep it in. What have you got to lose? I share everything, probably too much, but I'd rather be like that than suppressed and living a lie. How many people have those massive smiles on their faces, all for show and when asked how they are, rather too enthusiastically reply 'i'm fine'. Their lips saying one thing, their face saying 'i'm about to fall apart or do a spree killing. Help'

As someone once said to me, what does Fine actually mean?

F ucked Up
I nsecure
N ervous
E motional

Let it all out people, we're all in this together

Love n stuff to all

xx