Alcoholism
Today's blog is all about alcoholism. Not the drink yourself to oblivion and an early death of my father type alcoholism. Not even the drinking kind of alcoholism. It's not even anything to do with alcohol type of alcoholism. So how the fuck can it be about alcoholism? It's a mental type of alcoholism
I will come onto that.
Quick synopsis of the day. Shit hole
Work was crap. I made some stupid errors. Got pulled up, got resentful by the tone that was taken, pulled the entire company apart, my role, lack of respect. Conveniently forgot i fuked up and felt like quitting then and there. Got fearful I'll be sacked. Had a financial crisis in my head. Blew things out of all proportions, got bent out of shape, felt grief, had feelings of being overwhelmed by everything, felt like gunning down people at waterloo. Head hurt, couldn't think, couldn't act, couldn't speak it out. Basically i was fucked. Time for a meeting
My home group. In Richmond. Humble, down to earth. Real. It helped.Alot
I hadn't done a meeting in 7 days. Now to the non alcoholics i guess this will mean fuck all. Which is fair enough because this is not meant to come across in a way that i have it harder, or that alcoholism is so different to many people who have hard times, tough lives, head problems or whatever. I personally believe alcoholism just maxes out on certain defective character traits that alot of humans get, to such an extent that the only way to 'shut this up' is to get fucked up, drink or take drugs. Trouble is, it then sets off that craving which is humanly impossible to stop. There is no off button. That is the difference. Some as they say pursue it to the gates of insanity or death, The numbers are grim. it doesn't really matter if you believe in alcoholism or not. Millions die every year regardless. It's fact. Believe it.
So, one of my favourite sayings is '7 days without a meeting makes one weak'. meaning what exactly?
The longer i go without my daily connection, the more my alcoholic head takes over, sometimes without me knowing it. Suddenly life becomes harder, queues get longer, red lights take forever to change, people get more annoying, i get more wound up, going to meetings seems like a massive hardship, and if you get there you hate them. Essentially your head (or the alcoholism, call it John Barleycorn, the devil, the disease, whatever the hell you like) is nagging at your head saying;
'don't go there, they are weird, it;s nonsense, you're not an alcoholic, fuk em, go the gym, do some work, isolate, you're better than they think at work. Fuck em all'.
Resentments grow & fester, fear levels rise, you become angry, intolerant, paranoid, Belligerent. Making rash decisions, sending off emails you shouldn't. Saying things you shouldn't. Creating confrontation, drama, neediness. Ultimately destruction.
Now how long can i keep up this behaviour for without hitting a meeting? 7 days? A month? A year? God knows, but what i do know, eventually there will come a time when i will get so pissed off with me, my job, the world, everything. That the big 'fuck it button' will be pushed and i will say 'it will be different this time, one drink won't harm me. It's been 10 years.' And boom I'll be off and running.
Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I can't stop when i start. I really have no off button (and that applies to Kit Kats, muffins, ice cream, porn, women. The Wire, Sons of Anarchy, Rebus and Homes under the Hammer) - So there is no 'different this time'. It maybe a gene, DNA structure or whatever the hell it is, i simply cannot drink - Please Insert AA here.
It is a direct replacement for drinking and for some reason (can't really go into it publicly as it is an Anonymous fellowship and one of it's spiritual foundations is attraction rather than promotion in fact I'm probably breaking that by writing this blog) It just seems to treat this alcoholic head/personality and help a new sense of perspective to come through. By doing some simple things it helps this raging fucking lunatic head of mine to settle and i can be a (reasonably) normal member of society.
Without it, i would be a mess. A one man walking car crash. Dramas, Destruction. And not just for me i hasten to add, to anyone who had the misfortune to get tangled in my life, because lets be honest anyone who is married too, related too, close too an alcoholic who drinks and cannot/will not do anything about it has a life of total misery, problems, hassle, drama until they too are worn down. Taking on the alcoholics problems and life, because here's the punchline. Alcoholics like me, deep down are deficient individuals who have a hard time coping with reality so use alcohol and people to 'prop them up'.
So For instance today, after sending the 3rd incorrect email of the day and contravening all kinds of FSA rules, i would have overturned the desk at my own ineptitude and sense of justifiable resentment, pissed on all the letterheads, told everyone to go and fuck themselves I'm better than this, nicked a case of wine from the secret stash gone to the nearest boozer and got on the piss of all pisses, tried to pick up the barmaid, got into an argument, blacked out, got arrested wake up the next morning, get released, go to the pub, drink on more resentment and so it goes on, until i woke up Monday with no work, no income and basically fucked. I would then call on a woman, preferably one who is emotionally needy, make them fall in love with me, then rely on them for everything, continue to drink until they are totally fucked too, and then end up in rehab, hospital, prison or the gutter. All because i sent that email and had that pint of Stella. See? That's why i do aa now.
if you think that's far fetched, what the fuck do you think happened to my father. Sorry, it does my head in that people don't want to see alcoholism as a disease. it;s not a choice, its not a personal weakness, or battle of wills.
Shit, i better stop there, I've gone all preachy. I get carried away. Sorry, I'll just pop another Butter mint in my mush and continue at a rather more less aggressive preachy type way
10 years without a drink and i am exactly the same underneath. One drink is all it will take to go back there and worse. But without a meeting man does all that shit bubble under the surface and i turn into a cross between Gengis Khan and a yappy little schnitzer. #nightmare
So, tonight, i heard everything i needed to hear at the meeting, people with same heads as mine, lives worse than my own, identification with their thinking. It put my head back on, got it back into shape, made me gain some kind of perspective, stopped me thinking bad thoughts and basically made me laugh at my own madness and quietened down that angry little fucker in my head. I think the Doctor ordered another one of those every day until i feel better. Oh and a holiday with loads of sun so i can genuinely say stop the world, i want to get off without any guilt.
Cor, that was a rant wasn;t it. Shit, I've got to go and lay down now. It's 2am and 'The Equaliser' is on UK Gold. See, i know how to roll. Some say getting sober is following your dreams, becoming spiritual, changing the nature of yours and everyone else lives. Well fair enough, I'll buy that, but it's also about finding the joy in small things and right now i will be overjoyed at settling down with a pack of pink ladies, a mug of tea (builders not of that herbal shit) and the Llanelli Star, have Edward Woodward on in the background with a dreadful 80's soundtrack that sounds like a Casio watch from 1983 and read about a bloke who got arrested for stealing a £2 bottle of Umbro aftershave from Pound stretcher in Llanelli to swap for a can of Super T. There but the grace of god readers...........
xxxx
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