WARNING - NOT A HAPPY BUNNY THIS BLOG MAY CONTAIN SCENES OF GRAPHIC NEGATIVITY
Do you think we are born ungrateful? Is it the way we are brought up? How we are conditioned? Living in this culture? In this era? Is this just the way society is now? Or is it just me? My attitude?
I can't be from my upbringing because i come from a long line of female grafters and was taught to appreciate what you have. They have been my female role models. My male ones? Well basically to do fuck all and expect the best.
Why do i ask this? Well because today i got a day releases from my stationary and social media duties and secured, with my business partner a significant investment into our little business we have been building for 3 years, only to feel when i left the meeting. It's not enough.
There was no happiness, euphoria, or pleasure. All i thought was, in no uncertain terms. I have to keep doing the stationary and letterheads. Can't give the day job up.
How negative is that? There was little in the way of forward planning. or even slight joy or a thought of 'this could build into something now'. Oh no, it was spoilt kid at Chritsmas who didn't get top of the range BMX but a Grifter instead. (true story when 13)
No value on anything. What is this? Well in psychiatry they call this 'entlitlement'. Meaning my ego expects me to get the best, without having to put a massive amount of effort in. This is then coupled with a huge sense of low self esteem which makes for a really lethal combination. The result? Dissatisfaction, dis-ease and ungratefulness. If your expectations are sky high then i am nearly always setting myself up to be underwhelmed. It's not friggin rocket science is it?
I've always admired people who are genuinely grateful with their lot. Or who take great care in buying nice things, looking after them and enjoying them. i think that is a wonderful quality. Me? I get it, batter it, toss it around and think, 'ah fuck it I'll just get another one'. People who tend to be the happiest seem to accept where they are, who they are and what they have. It really is impressive. I wish i had more of those qualities
And what of me today? Well today I'm unhappy in my job, not satisfied with the investment, underwhelmed by my comedy club, think my blog is shit and basically in a nutshell feel totally hash tagged off. I know it will pass, but if I'm being brutally honest, I'm tired, I'm ratty, I'm negative and top it all off Ive run out of mint humbugs. It;s a fucking disaster. I may as well end it now.
When like this i really should be quarantined as anything can happen. I think it's fair to say in the past i would have got well and truly fucked today, Drank at people, like attack drinking. No finesse or social niceties. Drink for oblivion and beyond. Not pretty, not classy. Not even fun. Just pure 'fuck itism'.
I'm not going to do that of course, because it's not the solution. The solution is to go to loads of meetings, get some perspective, see and hear people who are loads worse off than me, and shock myself into getting a little bit of perspective, gratitude and positivity. To become a human.
If I'm brutally honest though, deep down, i think 'fuck that' it's boring, can't i go to a swinging club instead', (Sorry Nan, again)
xx
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