Today is treacle day. In as much as i feel like I'm walking through it.
Again i was uninspired and felt a little like a couple of weeks ago. Life is happening and I'm viewing it from behind glass.
I'm desperately low on AA meetings. I usually like to do if not 1 a day, then certainly 4 or 5 a week. I just haven't had the chance and with a 65th birthday tonight i won't have again.
So, what happens to me, a recovering alcoholic when I'm low on meetings? Well alcoholics will know, but for those who don't. It's pretty simple.
You're head slowly starts twisting and you develop whats called 'a fucked head'/. I think that's the technical term.
Queue's get longer, red lights take longer to change, work seems harder, people more obstructive, pedestrians walk slower, more tourists seem to get in the way, traffic is heavier, Bank balance seems lower.
Life goes on as normal but the attitude starts twisting against it, pressure builds, resentments grow, fear levels rise and intolerance reached fever pitch. You are on the edge and feel ready to snap at any time. I get crabby, more serious about myself and life, life becomes harder and then, well then the boredom and futility of life sets in.
That's when you can find no joy in daily stuff. Work seems bollocks, not even stationary and letterheads turn you on. Everything is just a little bit grey.
And that's the dangerous time, that's when those two words, two of the most dangerous in the dictinonary can come it and bugger everything up. And those two words? 'Fuck it'
Fuck this, fuck that, fuck you, fuck me, fuck it, might aswell go and drink. Go and get pissed, get away from this shit, Fuck it. God i used to do that so often. And instead you replace that with regular meetings, to express yourself, share your head, identify, connect and they help you to get perspective, to not drink, to get through the 'fuck it moment' and to feel lighter.
Without meetings life is heavy for me and i reckon I'd give myself a few weeks, or even months but i'd be on it and pissed. Obviously i don't want that so I'll hit a meeting tomorrow and Thursday, Friday and hopefully my bent head will get back to normal.
Oh today?
Up, rain, commute, work, queue M&S, lunch, work, commute, home. Kill me now
Evening was spent at my Godmothers 65th birthday party at Quaglino's live form London's West End. 16 people, surprise birthday and she loved it. Love her very much and good to attend. Lovely restaurant, very dramatic scenery but please guys, sort the fucking portions out. I thought they took the piss, and I'm sorry i know it's fine dining but fennel salad? Please - i think I'd rather eat my own cock.
Back to AA tomorrow readers so hopefully i'll lighten up a bit. I mean it's not as if i've got a comedy night on Thursday is it? EEk
Night
xx
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