Day 225 - Weds 15th Aug - My blog only has 18 readers

Why am i doing this blog? Why on days like this when i feel I've got nothing to say and only 18 people have read yesterday's, am i bothering?

Some blogs are read by 1000's of people. They become worldwide smash hits because they  either talk expertly about a specific area/subject or because they just capture the imagination. The 6 year old who wrote about her school dinners every day, taking a picture of the measly offering became huge hit for instance.

I'm writing every day on a variety of subjects and feel that it's pretty good. It's a decent read. OK it's not specific, but i reckon it's worth more than the 18 reads it got yesterday. But why am i doing it? I mean deep down i of course want huge success and a big audience. I am a show off. A Pantomime dame. I feed off attention. I am that vain and self obsessed. i try to hide it of course but i am what they call a show pony.

When i run marathons i run quicker infront of a crowd. i feed off the energy. Sometimes when I'm in fear or doing comedy i get the fear and it restricts me but when i forget myself and go with it the adrenaline pumps and i like it. Same rules apply for this blog.

I of course want lots of readers, but not just that i want someone to read it and say 'fuck me you're a good writer, do a column or a book for me'. Do a speaking tour on alcoholism'. Do something. Please'. Sometimes getting comments is good. Praise. Like Victoria Pendleton i need contstant reassurance. I'd love to be as strong as Clint Eastwood but the relaity is i need approval.

I've been told it's because i don't market it correctly which is quite ironic seeing as I'm a marketing consultant. Maybe I'm in the wrong game (although i hate the whole concept of marketing) I seem to have the inner belief rightly or wrongly that by creating work in itself that should be enough and the rest will take care of itself. Wrong!

I want more readers. I want a cult following. i want i want. Me me me . See the spoilt brat inside me is itching to come out again. 39 year old kid.

I've come to conclusion i need Cancer. Or at least some kind of serious illness to discuss my journey and access a worldwide following. I mean who the fuck is going to criticise my style of writing if i lay down the big C bomb down in the opening paragraph?

I'm trying ultra hard to get it. I mean i drink around 3 litres of diet coke a day, smoke 30 fags, eat endless processed meats and whenever it's sunny I'm out there sunning my deep leather complexion without any sun cream. I'm doing my best but i just seem to be healthy. So frustrating.

It's a dilemma. Be healthy and only have 18 readers, or get the big C and generate 1000's of followers ending up in a book deal and then a world conference tour where i can speak at motivational rallies.

I mean ultimately that's what i want out of this. A book, a role in speaking on my experiences and a few quid and groupies. Oh and of course i have to say to make me look good for my PC image, to help people along the way and stuff, but thats just for the back cover.

But my blog is too vague, too general, It's more of an every day diary and there is little or no theme or narrative. It needs A central plot and ultimate meaning running through it.

It started off as a training blog to see if i could push myself and challenge myself to do 3 hour 30 London marathon. I didn't and i didn't. I did the same as I've always done. It was a sort of lazy hard working marathon. Train hard but not smart. Comfort zone. Story of my life.

To be fair i have kept it up and provided some pretty humorous moments, but most publishers would look at it and say 'there's not enough profound subtext. It's dull'. It's too samey. Sure you have covered your year, friends in alcoholism, you're fathers death. you're Nan's illness and death, and other of life's foibles. But where is the money shot?

The real sub text is in my inner workings. I didn't extend myself in marathon training and i haven't extended myself in anything else, work, comedy, me. Result? Well i can't be bothered to do anything at the moment and i am stuck in self imposed rut in my head. Everything is an effort. I feel frustrated at myself. My instinct? Run away!!!!!!

People make helpful suggestions but i end up thinking 'yes, but that involves actually doing soemething'. If someone can just turn up in Starbucks one day and say 'we have been looking for you, here's a 200k per year modelling contract, now go and train for 6 months before doing that 3 day job we want you to do a year. In Rio'. It's a long shot. Unlikely.

But even then, knowing me that still wouldn't be good enough. I would be '3 days a year? Bit much isn't it?'

To thine own self be true. Is a phrase i could well do with remembering every day. The money shot? Well it's change isn't it. No-one can affect that but me. If i have low energy - well it's because i cane too much caffeine and nicotine right? So why do i do that every day? Is it habit? Addiction?

I am addicted to diet coke. It is poison and makes me feel shit yet i still guzzle it. That and cigarettes i merrily puff away on all day. What a dull addiction.

And what about other parts of my life? Putting off writing, performing. Even work i put off. King of procrastination. Or is it fear? Or possibly both? By actually putting things off it actually builds the frustration and you get more and more unhappy inside.

I therefore find myself in a strange bubble of 1 - feeling i am much better than my circumstance. Do they not know I'm a fucking genius? 2 - Feeling worthless and frustrated am i actually overrating myself?

My natural state of being seems to be - i could have been a contender if i tried syndrome. This is actually the worst type to be. It means you actually end up doing nothing of note but retain the ego of someone who has succeeded. An odd mix.

Answer? Well if i knew that maybe i would be doing it. But I'm going to try and affect the change starting from now. How - well here are a few certain steps i am going to do;

1 - Pray for my procrastination and fear to be removed. To start putting change in action and not talking about it

2 - Cut down on diet coke and cigarettes - start to think about  - 'do i really need that now' and see if i can replace with other things

3- Maintain a more disciplined lifestyle and actually try to think positively instead of being on 'autopliot' and reacting in a negative 'old Nick' type way

4 - Go back to writing 5 jokes a day even if they are crap

5 - Stop surfing on xxx rated websites

6 - Sleep more instead of going to bed at 2-3am

7 - Do things i don't want to do. Make the call that fills me with fear. Force myself to sit down for a session and do work

8 - Not watch Flog It

9 - Be more grateful

10 - Look at whats good in life and me not what i haven't got.

11 - Focus on what i want and work to achieve it. Small strides every day. A common purpose.

Trouble is I'm 40 soon and i still don't know what i want. I'm hoping a flash of inspiration will come to me, so in the meantime I'm going to try this new regime and see if it works or at least helps to lift this malaise i have inside.

Gloomy entry today folks huh, oh and that nonsense about needing cancer to get on i just made up as sick black humour. I don't mean it really

I saw members of my family die from it and it is dreadful. I know people with it now, I know people who have beaten it. It is a deadly foe and one i have respect for. Life is very precious my failing is that i take it for granted and spend most of my waking hours abusing myself physically and mentally instead of cherishing it. Maybe that is my lesson? Once i love myself then maybe that will all change.

Someone with a serious illness's would get frustrated and angry at my attitude. they would gladly swap with me. It's the ultimate in self pity. Being jealous of someone with cancer. That's the deep rooted level of my sickness and mad alcoholic thinking.

It's not something you would bring up in conversation is it? I mean I'm not proud to think that sometimes, but i have no control over my thoughts, but i do have control over my actions and now is time to change the actions and alter my daily path.

Why do i admit this? because i know i put my shift in to help others. I help friends to hospital. I sit with them. I help people with difficulties out. I share. i care. i help. So by actually putting in action i feel i am justified in being honest about my head. The word judges me by my actions not my intentions.

The ones i can't stand are the moralisers who claim to be perfect, say all the right PC things about 'poor you being ill' 'or let me know if there is anything i can do' to people with illnesses whilst never lifting a fucking finger to help.

See i thought i'd end todays entry on a light note.


That is all
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