Today I'm not really interested in the Olympics. I know. Shock horror. The biggest Olympic pantomime dame is far to full of his own head and mind fuck misery to be into anything today.
But don't fret. Fear not. Do not worry my gorgeous lovely readers. Today's blog will not be a moan fest. It won't be negative, or hard to read. It won't be full of misery and self obsessed whining.
No, today's blog will be me doing what i do best. Being lost in head and misery until i hit a good rant then let it out to feel lighter, better and become enlightened and superbly funny afterwards. Welcome to Nick FM. An adult orientated radio station that is mostly hard to listen too but genius in parts.
First the boring bit. Woke tired. Lethargic. Chesty as my nan would say. Is it a cold? Is it flu? Is it 'man ill'. Don't know but all i want is a sick note for 4 weeks. No such joy, drove to Essex, worked all day, drove back. Home at 6. Tired. Grumpy. Uninspired.
I've been a little dodgy in my head for a few weeks. I've hid it. not even talking about it in my blog. Don't get me wrong I've been having a good time mostly but there has been a nagging voice at back of my head. Nothing major or too destructive. Just one that tends to say 'Everything is shit and i hate everyone'.
Good job i haven't got a negative inner voice isn't it? The nagging voice has meant i secretly hate everything and everyone. Work for being so dull. Commuting, people reading Kindles. Sensible footwear. ISA's. Chit chat, hash tagging, getting followers on twitter. Piers Morgan, People being more successful than me. Everything can cop it in my head, but i haven't shared it, spoken about it just a slow low boiling build up until i felt like smashing things up. Not bothered. Not inspired. Not wanting.
Bad space. Time for a meeting. Either that or Bikram Yoga, but with this head I'm bound to be barred. Angry Nick has made a reappearance. Why? because I'm not doing the things i need to. I'm avoiding. I know it deep down, but when you avoid the hard yards then it gnaws away at you, and my anger at myself is turned outwards at pretty much everything.
And what is it that I'm not doing? Well nothing too dramatic. Writing jokes, learning new skills, applying myself to business or immersing myself in finally learning how to do social media properly instead of using Internet for other purposes. Basically getting the fuck on with stuff. Call it procrastination, avoidance, laziness, sloth whatever you want - point is it fucks with my mind. It's hurting me.
Now in the old days as I've said many times i would get like this, the frustration in my head would build to such an extent that i would go on a monumental bender (not Alan Carr) but drinking with a fury which would end up in black out, punch out, thrown out. Arrest, police cell. Remorse. But at least it blew away the cobwebs,
Now clearly I'm not into that scene these days so i went to a meeting. Again I'm dicing with traditions of anonymity here, so i can't really say too much, other than the fact it was a new meeting for me, Men only, usually these are the ones i avoid like the plague. 1 - because they invariably talk about women and sex and 2 - there are no women to have sex with (joke). Maybe it's what i need?
Now when i go to a new meeting, particularly one which is probably good for me i am hostile, angry and hate being there. I try to look for the differences and secretly slate everything in my mind. I'm like a little kid stropping. My mind is effectively Alan Hansen with no sleep. Grumpy.
Today was no different and then when it was my turn to have a share up fuck me did i unload. Weeks of frustration came out in a rant of epic scale. Nothing was spared, not even the poor guy who took the meeting and shared for 10 minutes and then said 'at this meeting we have a 4 minute rule for sharing so if you go over i will wave the card', That got me spitting.
After a nuclear rant, rendering the room completely silent, making everyone feel slightly uncomfortable and me mortified with remorse and regret i started to feel better, lighter, to smile, to listen, to be clear headed. It's Like i had dislodged a cancer in my brain. I felt i was a normal human being again.
I need to rant, i need to let it out. I've worked that out now. When it's in my head gnawing away at me rendering me useless and i become as I've described above, Autopilot. The living dead. I may as well become a Tory.
So the rant took in several areas of anger, frustration, flawed thinking, and self awareness. There was even an attempt at self deprecating humour which was met with a stony silence. I think i had managed to offend the whole room. #OOOOOFFFF. It reminded me of my comedy gigs.
But no matter, that's what i love about the fellowship. It stays in the room ,it is anonymous, (apart from when knob heads like me write a sodding blog about it) it is a big old fellowship that can hold lunatics like me. Bottom line is i need it more than it needs me - i need to put it back. Even dopey bollocks like me understand that.
So there we have it. I'm normal. Nick FM is now playing Steely Dan instead of Napalm Death. It's back to Easy Listening Hour.
Many people have real shit going on with their lives, Illness, bankruptcy, depression, relationship break ups, death. My problems are nothing in comparison, but you know what if i don't deal with them honestly and in a way that works for me they will build up to monumental proportions.
I know of 2 people who have recently committed suicide. God bless them and their families. Dreadful dark place to be. I'm not saying i have ever had suicidal thoughts, but if i carried on in my own head for long enough without sharing what is really going on, then who knows. How many problems are centred in the mind?
It's a hard old life sometimes, but you know what it's up to me to change that shitty thinking and crack on. Then, sometimes, just sometimes you glimpse the beauty and magnificence of life and can really enjoy it. They say life is to be enjoyed not endured. Can i have that one tattooed on my forehead please Bob?
My mantra of today- what have i learnt? Well basically to coin British Cycling's incredible success in the 'Lympics and of course my new hero Brad Wiggins. It's all about working your nuts off to be the best you can. Only one problem with that - i hate working my nuts off. I think i know what i need to work on for the rest of my life. Procrastination. I'm well fired up to do something about it.......tomorrow.
Night people. I'm loving you all this evening
xx
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