I think I'm getting back on track. It won't be long until I'm powering on all cylinders again, losing my temper, getting annoyed, ranting at injustices and staying up late to view dubious websites. I Can't wait. Normal service is about to be restored. Hooray!
Grief is a strange thing. Don't get me wrong it is awful of course. You don't really know what to do. I often get a misshapen feeling. Like i take it all on my own, invert into myself, walk around feeling the saddest of all the human race. It's peculiar, but i have always done it. The only time i didn't was when my Father died. It seems to be my natural instinct.
Well today I'm human again, i can see the world as it is. I can appreciate my place, that i was only a grandson, that my Mother has lost her mother and all the family have lost someone special. I'm looking forward to being of some kind of use in Llanelli. I'm also looking forward to trying to emulate my Nan and offer any visitor to Brymoor road an endless offering of tea, twix's, Kit Kat's, cake, Breakaways and Drifters. I will not allow anyone to leave without some kind of intense sugar rush and a St Pancreas full to burst from several litres of tea. You've got to really haven't you?
A Kit Kat is a sort of right of passage in Brymoor Road. You must eat one if you visit. Does'nt matter if you're an anorexix bullimic with a lactose intolerance, you must stuff one down you're neck.
It's like a ritual that you would get in a small Colombian settlement and turn down the village pipe. It offends. My Nan even used to save the foil for the blind. How many do that now?
So on the day that Rowntrees celebrate 150 years, the Kit Kat takes on a mythical status. Have one on me tonight. (though unfortunately due to my addictive nature i'll have to eat around 46 of them) We salute you Kitkat. Untrendy, solid, functional chocolate. Not flashy but gets the job done. It's not the sort of chocolate to check into rehab with 'exhaustion', or be photographed coming out of Chinawhite at 3am. No, thats for the poncey up it's own arse Green & Blacks. Sodding pretentious motherfucker of a bar that is. Granted it's quality but boy does it know. No, fuck that, Kit Kats out sell that little ponce 4 to 1. It's been there and done it, seen off all pretenders. Wispas, Twirls, Lion Bars, Yorkies, Boosts, Starbars. Fuck em all, Kit Kat is the Don, The Matriach. It is the Nan of chocolate bars and i salute it. Or is it a biscuit? Fuck me i better not start that debate, that will be raging forever.
I definately think there is an unspoken pecking order of grief. A Grandparent is expected. It is natural order. They have been there all your life and you have a deep love. But it is not expected to floor you. You are expected to carry on. You can never tell how you will react. Some people handle death really well. Other cultures celebrate life. 'Just passing through', is their attitude and there is an appreciation and gratitude for their life and time with them. It's an exceptionally admirable state of mind.
Me, i veer to the miserable, depressed, wallowing in sadness and can't accept she's gone kind of thinking. I go into negativity almost naturally and it comes out in grief and death. I can't seem to help myself and this is what has happened in the last few days. I think i max out on sadness and almost get a sick pleasure from wallowing in it. I am sad, but that's human. Fuck me, it;'s not like an addict to get addicted to sadness is it? Madness.
I think i can recognise today that you can be sad, but also celebrate, remember with fondness of all the good things that she brought to my life and others. To remember the love, the false teeth in the Stork SB pot, the Nivea cream, watching 'Loose Women' and talking endlessly about the weather. These are the things that are important. People live in us. In our heart. In our minds. She is a powerful example to me to live with spirit, dignity and honour. To be positive, to be up, to be grateful, to be happy. I know i can get there, it just takes me a little time i guess.
I thought you had to look sad to be sad. That you had to be in the pits of misery to feel pain. That was appropriate i thought. To listen endlessly to sad songs. I couldn't understand laughter or lightness. But is that not as valid way of grieving as crying? It's all the same thing. It;s called emotion and that's what makes us humans unique i suppose. Life without emotion is bland & mechanical. You may aswell be German.
(I like that line by the way)
I had a nice moment today after a particularly dull day at work, walking home, waiting for the lights to turn green on the A316, i suddenly felt ever so calm. Looked at the Sky, smiled. Said 'I love you Nan' and moved on. I knew she was still around. I knew she was OK and peaceful and i felt that peace. I knew she was looking on, though to be fair i wouldn't mind if she turned a blind eye to some of my more nocturnal hobbies.
So as she would say 'therewarthen'. It's all OK really. It feels good to be human sometimes. No matter how bad a job is, how many money worries there are, no matter how difficult life is sometimes, it is always a pleasure to find a treasured moment when you feel calm, peaceful and content. Fuck me, i had one of those tonight and there wasn't a drink, drug, strip club, Haagen Daazs pot, dodgy website or 3 sum in sight. I think that's what they call 'a moment'. It's a good job I'm not greedy, i mean it's not as if i want that moment to last for around, oh i don't know 45 years is it?
xx
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