Losing a relative is always hard. There are obviously various degrees of grief. If you lose a parent unexpectedly and quickly when you are young, it leaves a burning loss and deep sense of sadness that can stay with a person forever. People sometimes lose their children which must be devastating. There really isn't anything easy about death at all. Everyone deals with it differently. There is no identikit rulebook to grief.
Losing a Grandparent is strange. Whilst they have not been so close all your life, they have been there throughout. Depending on your relationship whilst not day to day closeness there is undoubtedly a special bond with Grandparents. And there was most definately a very special bond with my Nan.
She was 97 (seems so strange saying Was. In past tense) so she had in cricketing terms a good innings. She had been ill for ages, and it was turning nasty for her, so her death is a blessing and she is in a much better place. Her quality of life has suffered over the years, so now being at peace, in a place wherever that is, is better, more loving and calmer for us to know.
She had been sleeping for 2 days after being given morphine to cut the pain and 'knock her out' and she just stopped breathing whilst my Mum was with her at 1am yesterday. It was a peaceful and dignified end. That is all anyone can ask i suppose.
It's not as if it wasn't expected. In some ways it is a relief (as bad as it is to say that) But we had been waiting for ages. And now finally it had happened.
Now i don't want to own the grief. i don't feel mortified, i don't feel on the floor. I haven't cried. I just feel a little sad today. There is always that gnawing feeling wherever you go, whatever you do that someone who had played such an integral part in your life, who had always been there is no longer. Of course in spirit through memory but not physically. Loss is a strange feeling.
I wrote about her alot over past few months. I wrote about Llanelli and Brymoor Road, about her spirit and energy, about her role on the family, about love, about my past. I really tried to bring her to life in my writing. Why? Well not just because she was my Nan and i loved her, but because she was so quality. Because unbeknown to her she was a real character and just so bloody adorable. If there was a toy Nan it would be a winner.
She deserves a good send off, she deserves writing and memories and respect. For me, she is forever linked to great nostalgic memories. When life was so shit as a kid, when the father was going insane alcoholic and we would go to Nan's for holidays it was a different world and i suppose that's why the bond and the love was so deep, plus being brought up in Maidenhead going to her and Llanelli was just so bloody funny and full of humour and Welshness that makes me smile.
So today was a sad day with good memories. I worked (a little) did an AA chair (trying desperately not to fall into self doubt and paranoia from all the nice helpful things my Brother pointed out to me on Monday - 'useless, no good, not as good as him etc' ) and fell asleep on the sofa to 'The golden Age of caravaning', after a massive Welsh egg omelet with Llanelli bacon. Nan would have approved, though not of the sofa, as she had one for 40 years and never sat or layed down on it. I know incredible isn't it?
xx
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