You know those moments in life you have when you get a huge moment of clarity and awareness? Like a wake up call to something? You have many in your lifetime, well i had one today.
I went for a casting last week for a Tesco Mobile TV advert. Minor non speaking role where i have to sit in a park in a classic yoga position and meditate. Looking serene and peaceful. 1 day filming. Easy.
All i had to do for the casting was sit, look at the camera in me pants, look peaceful and answer a couple of simple questions. One of them was how long i had been doing Bikram and why i liked it. I trotted out some bollocks about it being good for my mind, i left out me being barred from Bikram Richmond for arguing with the owner in the class and telling him to 'stick his c***in yoga up his f***g a**e'. Didn't think that would help me get the part. Apparently that's not yoga.
Anyway, today i received a call from the casting agent saying the director likes me and i have to go back next week for a call back. She said it's almost in the bag. Great i thought, But then she said something that really hit me and gave me one of those realisations in life.
She said, 'Yes the director thought you were a perfect fit for the middle aged character who's into yoga'. BOOM! The words MIDDLE AGED screamed out at me like they were 20 foot tall, neon and amplified with sub woofer the size of Kerry Katonia's mouth. Middle aged?. She may aswell have been giving me next weeks lottery tickets and the cure for cancer afterwards but i wouldn't have heard. Middle Aged? She said Middle aged. Me? really?
I got off the phone and thought i am middle aged. How the fuck did that happen? Something about someone dropping it into a serious conversation as a statement of fact. It is how the world now sees me. It gave me a huge realisation. I am technically, physically and sociologically middle aged. Fuck!
I am now officially the sort of person i despised when i was 15/16. I should be mowing the lawn, taking the kids swimming, wearing V neck jumpers and visiting garden centres on Bank holidays. Middle aged huh? That means i should be grown up, know what I'm doing, have a plan, mortgage, pensions, ISA's, VCT's, life cover, health cover, dental cover, car insurance, self assessment returns. I should understand how to put up a garden shed and flat pack wardrobe by now, change spark plugs and have an intimate knowledge of the main B roads in Hertfordshire. Middle Aged? God i thought that was ancient when i was young and now technically here i am. I don't do any of those things, though i am partial to a bit of 'going up the garden centre', though that has a totally different meaning in my world
Maybe that's why i was such a grumpy old bastard yesterday. Prematurely moaning about life and the people in it. But if I'm honest I've always had a problem with the general public. On the account that most of them are so fucking stupid. I'm not judging, just basing factual evidence of my experience.
When i was 15 i worked in M&S menswear and Saturdays were just an orgy of plankton wandering around like the living dead. Men being bossed around by their wives buying them clothes. I used to think fuck me, get a grip man. You're almost cockless. It was the sort of place where there was a buzz because Peter Davidson came in to buy a blazer and sports jacket. I had developed a huge resentment by the age of 15 to the general public and mass stupidity and banality. It has stayed. Probably because deep down I'm terrified that it is actually who i am!
The stupidity of yesterday usually doesn't wind me up, i can let it go. I am not God's policeman after all. I mean, so what if people are stupid and i don't like them. Who the fuck am i to criticise? So just as i was settling down it happened again. A waiter this time in a restaurant. Asking for the order as soon as i sat down and was given the oversize menu (why do they do that?), when i pointed out we had just sat down and could he give us a couple of minutes he promptly fucked off for ages. I swear to god the world was out to get me. Not by big things but the constant little annoying things every day that pile up. Why do you think there has been a huge increase in spree killings over the past 20 years? It's because the idiots are taking over that's why and people are being pushed over the edge into mass murder.
Other news today, i was called David Beckham twice. Once by a Pakistani newsagent and the other by the nurses in my Nan's hospice, Personally i don't think i look anything like the little nonce, but I'll take that over that c**t Ramsay any day.
Rest of the day was dull. Work in City then in Essex. Got home with fine intentions of doing loads tonight, friends, meeting, dinner, then thought F*** this, knackered so watched Layer Cake, Ate Ice cream, played with balls. Went to sleep. There. I am now officially middle aged boring, Maybe i should have popped into Homebase for some shelving or decking to do over the weekend. Still, at least i was wearing one of my 14 v neck jumpers. Textbook middle aged. Roll on the 40's!
No comments:
Post a Comment