You'll be pleased to know I'm better today. Phew. I was a miserable self piteous prick yesterday. I should have been on Big Brother 8 for Christ sakes. Grim.
After a hearty 5 hours kip i went straight to a meeting. Ironically enough the topic was all about Acceptance. Clearly that was sign after my week of non acceptance of the Idiots. The general message was accept people, places and things and life becomes easier.
It's a difficult one to argue against, but there are subtle nuances. If i am to accept everything do i become a doormat? If I'm fucked over at work, taken the piss out by people or walked over. Do i just say "well that's Gods will" and accept it? And what of the middle east, Political dictatorships, wars, religions, sociological anomalies. If people accepted these, there would be no demonstrations, no chance for change. Look at what happened in Egypt and Lybia last summer? That was brought about by protesting and demonstration. Not by accepting the norm.
If we all just accepted there would be no rebellion. No challenge to the order. Sometimes non acceptance is good. But i get the feeling that is a different thing. We do not have to accept the unacceptable. That is not good. But i suppose accepting people and things for what they are and not trying to meddle, to alter others is kind of the thing that most people are on about.
Now me, I'm a terrible changer. I constantly think in my head what people need. Advising on kids, marriages, business, relationships, the lot, despite me having next to no experience in any of these. I find it So much easier to change others than myself. But i have slowly learnt by bitter experience that i cannot change others, it is pointless trying to do so and the only thing i can really change is me and my pants.
Whilst I'm dishing it out, there are 5 fingers pointing back at me (and a wanker signal). So i guess lessons i should take is Look at my behaviour before casting my well judged eye on others.
Having said that, there's still fuck loads of idiots out there. I'm not anti Royalist. Anti people or Anti Wimbledon. I'm just anti idiot.
Something we are all finding difficult to accept is the continued decline of Nan. She is now so dangerously thin, unable to eat and so very weak. The tumour is now completely nearly covering her gullet making eating nigh on impossible and she is literally wasting away. It is a cruel and terrible end to someones life. Particularly one such as hers which has been so full of love and giving.
If I'm honest being away from Wales means it is hard to feel so connected. I can only be a support from a distance. It has taken it's toll on my Mum as her carer and my Brother and in their own ways the rest of the family too. My Mum has taken the brunt though. Being the CEO of the family and basically giving up all her life to care for Nan. It is extraordinary to see her and my Nan's characters come to the fore. So loving, helpful, unselfish and giving. It makes me feel a little guilty at my selfishness really.
It seems terrible to wish death on someone you love. But that would be more humane. In Italy it is the norm for families to care for the Grandparents, but in a society such as ours where we are all moving, busy and lets face it inherently selfish it is less so. It is such a tricky and upsetting situation which happens to most families. No-one prepares you for this. I think my Mum has been amazing. She just seems like she knows what to do. She is cut from the same Welsh Matriarchal Strong life force as my Nan. The baton is clearly being passed on.
And what of God in all this? Nan has been a member of Church for 97 years. She has done good, helped people and been supportive, Never harmed, fucked someone over. Doesn't have a bad bone in her body. Yet she gets to suffer like this. How then on earth can there be a God? This seems so unjust.
There is no answer to that. Some may say there is a God as she has had 97 years to do that. Who knows if there is life after death. Maybe God operates on a bigger level for masses than individuals? I'll leave those debates up to the Arch Bishop and Richard Dawkins. They can arm wrestle for it. (My money's on the Arch Bishop by the way. All those sermons gripping the alter bound to give him strong wrists) I'll just stick with my faith and the good loving memories of her.
Something that was said in the meeting triggered a memory. Basically someone said 'yesterday is history tomorrows a mystery. Live in the now. Don't moan about the past. Don't complain about the present. Do something about it now". Fair enough i thought but clearly they hadn't had to attempt an appointment at Barnes surgery.
It made me think of what my Nan used to say. I asked her why she was always humming and so happy. She said "Whats the point in being a misery. No-one likes a moaner"
Wish to fuck i would have heeded her advice yesterday
Loving you Nan. From me and the world
xx
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